The Bar is Closed

“Thursday, March 23, 2006; SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) -- Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said Wednesday.”

I knew this was coming! Last year, in this column, I said that I was opposed to banning smoking in bars because it’s part the bar scene and we all know it. Even though I’m a non-smoker, I felt that smokers have the right to smoke. If you can’t smoke in a bar, where can you smoke? I said pretty soon there’d be no drinking in bars and look.... it’s happening!

If they can ban getting drunk in a BAR in TEXAS then there’s no hope for the rest of the country! First no smoking, now no drinking, soon no chewing gum and no talking! Then no flirting and no dancing! Next, bars will serve only coffee so they don’t get sued for anything and then somebody will be sitting on a tiny stage playing acoustical guitar singing ‘Kumbaya’.

People go to bars to achieve some level of inebriation. They say and do stupid things to blow off steam. Sometimes there’s a fight, sometimes a woman takes off her top, sometimes people cry on you. It’s a bar! Bar things happen in a bar. As long as you don’t drive drunk, what is the problem?

Summer 2006, in a bar somewhere in America

“I’m sorry sir, you’ve already had your two beer limit this evening. I can serve you coffee. We have a nice line of expressoes.”
“I want another beer! I’m not driving. I walked here from my hotel. I will be walking back.”
“I’m sorry. It’s our new policy. No drunks in the bar.”
“Can I buy a bottle and take it with me?”
“No, you’ll drink it once you get back.”
“No I won’t, I swear. Besides...uh.... it’s not for me. It’s for my mother. She came all the way from Italy on this vacation with me, sweetest woman in the world. It’s for her. She was going to come with me tonight, but she’s not feeling well. You wouldn’t want to punish her just because I’ve had my quota, would ya?”
“I can’t. I’m real sorry. But you know, you can take a cab from here and go to Lefty’s Elbow Room. You can have two more beers there. That’s what most customers do.”
“Oh, I get it.... I can go from bar to bar and have two beers in each bar...”
“Yup. The cab has a shuttle service going in a loop to every bar on the Island. Just sit out front and wait.”

Two men sitting in front of a bar waiting for a cab...

“Damn this is getting expensive! This cab is making a fortune off of me.”
“How many bars you been to so far?”
“Lets see, six beers.... three bars.”
“When did you start?”
“I started at seven o’clock. It’s ten now. The problem with this bar shuttle system is that you can’t drink your beers close enough together to get a buzz on, you know what I mean?”
“Do what I do. I start drinkin’ much earlier in the day now. That way you stay a head of the crowd and the cab can get you to the next stop much quicker.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. I started at four o’clock today. It’s ten now. I’ve been to four bars and I feel great.”
“You’re not worried about the cab getting all your money?”
“Nah. I just took out my cash and gave him my wallet after the second bar. He takes my ATM card and gets cash from the bank and pays himself for me between pickups.”
“That’s very considerate of him.”
“It’s the new way to drink now. It’s not so bad really. Most of the women stay put and get better lookin’ everytime you loop through their bar.”
“Tomorrow night, I’m just gonna get me a bottle and drink at home on my sofa.”
“Can’t do that.”
“What? Why not?”
“Fire ordinance. No sitting at home and drinking. You might get impaired judgement and start smoking and set the sofa on fire. Or worse, you might drink and dial, and bore someone with a drunken rant.”
“Man, what has happened to this country? Used to be a man could have a couple beers with friends, smoke, flirt and maybe even score. Now, we’re being protected to death from things we don’t want protection from and another thing my friend....”
“Cab’s here.”
“Oh yeah... let’s go.”