Woman Shoots 'Gator in Living Room!

What’s good for the goose is good for the gator...

“Bradenton woman shoots alligator: Tampa Bay's 10 News 5/16/2006
The alligator was only four feet long, but a Bradenton woman says she wasn't taking any chances. When the reptile came into the lanai of her home Saturday and attacked her golden retriever, Candy Frey went and got her gun. After Frey and her daughter managed to push the gator out of the lanai through the dog door, she blasted away at it four times. ..
Frey says the alligator barely bled from gunshots to its neck and shoulder. The wildlife officer put it back in the lake. Frey was given a warning citation for hunting without a license.”

“You’re writing me up??? Are you insane? The alligator was in my house! Threatening my child!”

“It’s illegal to hunt gator in Florida, don’t matter where they are ma’am.”

“I wasn’t “hunting gator” on my front porch! He was coming towards us and snapping his jaws!”

“Why didn’t you just jump behind him and pull him out by the tail? It would have been safer.”

“Oh, let’s see.... because he could swing around and clamp onto my arm?”

“Not if you’re fast ma’am.”

“You’re right... what was I thinking? It must be my fault! My "gator management" skills just aren’t up to speed. I missed the ‘Wrestling Reptiles’ part of my Welcome to Florida life skills classes.”

“There you go ma’am. See how easy that was? A little education could have helped this whole thing. This little feller wasn’t trying to hurt you. He was wantin’ yer dog. You was safe the whole time.”

The lady in Florida calls her friend Sally, on Shelter Island....

“He gave you a ticket for hunting alligator in your house?”

“Yes! I’m going to fight it. These people are crazy.”

“If you killed it, can you keep it and make a nice bag?”

“Oh...I never thought of that...silver lining in every cloud.”

“How’d it get in?”

“Through the dog door.”

“Through the doggy door... really.... that gives me an idea.....”



A police car pulls up in my yard.

“Ms Flynn, the bluefish did not come in through your cat door...”

“Yes they did ! All of them! Look at them, they’re huge! They were surrounding me to attack. That's how they attack you know... in schools....”

“Ms Flynn, the bluefish did not come in through the cat door. It’s not bluefish season yet. Now how did you get eight big bluefish?”

“Listen, an alligator in Florida just attacked my friend in her house and alligators live in the water too, so being from the water does not prevent them from attacking land mammals, like me.”

“And how did they get gutted and cleaned?”

“It was an act of self defense.”

“And the grill is going in the back yard because?”

“Okay, you got me there. I was tampering with the evidence.”

“Tampering.....or destroying?”

“Just tampering. I’d never destroy evidence.”

“So what’s the tartar sauce for... in the quart size?”

“It’s bluefish repellent. As soon as they came in, I grabbed it and started smearing it on the floor in a circle around me.”

“And the basil, oregano and lemon juice?”

“I confess. The repellent didn’t work. I had to kill them. I was afraid someone would get the wrong idea, like I enticed them in, so I was going to sprinkle lemon juice around the yard to throw the dogs off the scent of the fish.”

“You really need professional help Ms Flynn. We’ll have to take the bluefish in for evidence. We’ll need the tartar sauce and lemon juice too.”

“Hey, wait a minute.....”

“You have a problem with that Ms Flynn?”

“Ah.... no.... no... of course not....I guess you want the white wine too?”

“Oh yeah.... we’d better take that....best to be on the safe side.”

“Napkins? Forks? Place cards?”

”No, we have all that at the station.”

“Right....from the other fish poachers.”

“Naturally.”

Gardening Takes Guts!

Choose Your Weapon....

In the process of choosing young veggie plants for my garden in recent weeks, I have had several conversations about garden security with other garden store patrons.

Over planting: Planting all you want and extra for the deer on the theory that even after the deer eat all they want, you’ll have enough left for yourself. Excellent theory, but when the deer find a a nice big cache of food, they don’t keep the location to themselves, no, no, no...deer are stupid, they tell their friends and soon you have three times the number of deer coming through your yard.

Fencing: The obvious and easy answer, but... many towns have so many rules and regulations about what kind of fencing you can use, it’s like trying to understand the federal tax codes. The fence can’t injure the animals it’s trying to keep out and it can’t be too high it case it looks offensive to absolutely anyone driving by. The best fence would be about five foot high with razor wire on the top, or nasty poison tipped spikes, but noooooo...... somebody, who shouldn’t be near your garden stealing squash in the first place, might get injured, so no razor wire or poison tipped spikes.....picky, picky, picky....

Wagon planting: My mother-in-law does this. You buy old kiddie wagons and plant your veggies in them. This gives you a mobile garden! You can bring the garden in at night. Or hide your plants anyway you want. The added benefit is you can garden from your lawn chair. Just wheel the wagon up and start digging.

Hanging Gardens: You can plant almost anything in hanging baskets. Not a bad idea if you have a big porch. You can hang your garden all around and sleep on the porch with a shotgun in case the deer try to come up the steps. The two positive side effects are; 1] you could get a freezer full of venison, 2] neighbors will never bother a man crazy enough to guard his zucchini with a shotgun.

Roof Top Gardening: I haven’t seen this yet, but it’s a matter of time. If you have a flat section of roof, with a little partial shade, what better location for a deer and rabbit proof garden? The roof isn’t doing anything but covering your house, so why not put it to some real good use with a roof top garden? If the deer and bunnies are smart enough to get a ladder and get onto a roof top garden then you'd better move out of that area as soon as possible.

El Camino Gardening: After roof top gardening, this is probably the best option for critter proof gardening. Buy an old El Camino and plant your garden in the back. This way you can keep an eye on your tomatoes wherever you go. Plus, how easy it will be to show off your garden if it’s right there with you at the hardware store.

Seawall Gardening: Popular in the coastal towns, but only for locals. Pile clam shells and seaweed in three foot high walls around your garden with strings of decorative fly strips overhead. The smells of the sea products will obfuscate the smells of tender pea shoots and the confused deer will leave feeling foolish that they mistook a clambake for a garden. Naturally they won’t mention it to their friends because that’s just downright embarrassing for a deer to mistake the smell of seaweed for pea shoots.

Sherlock Holmes Garden: Sherlock Holmes said, “The best place to hide something is in plain sight.” I believe that. I have a theory, not in any book, that deer can find gardens not only by smell, but by pattern recognition. When they see straight lines of vegetation, they see buffet dinner. This year, I will be staggering my plantings to make them appear random. Plus, I’m surrounding my garden with big cat poop. Yes, you heard right.... ‘google’ it yourself, it’s proving out in gardens across America. Deer instinctively avoid areas where they smell evidence of a natural predator like a big cat. Cougar poop is selling like hot cakes in California. I will be making my first poop purchase soon. I’m not sure about Cougar poop because the deer here on Shelter Island are pretty smart and I know they’ve never seen a cougar, so I’m thinkin’ Lion or Tiger....

Mother's Day: Priceless

Drive to the beach with kids: gas $1.00
Equipment for Beach: blanket, towels, cooler, soda’s, sandwiches, sunscreen, beach toys, umbrella, chair, book you won’t get to read, sunglasses $400
Your toddler gleefully putting a shell she picked in your hand, priceless.

Drive to restaurant: gas $1.00
Mother’s Day Lunch with friends who are real mothers: $40
Making detailed plans to escape to Vegas without hubbies and kids: priceless.

Reminding boss Mother’s Day is coming: $0
Ordering flowers sent to his mother for him so he doesn’t look like a fool: $150.
Him knowing you saved his ass again and he owes you big time: priceless.

Cost of pregnancy test: $15
Cost of making a nice dinner at home so you can tell him the news: $80
Look on his face when you tell him that, not only are you pregnant, but you’re sure he’s the father: priceless.

Cost of materials for your Mother’s Day card in your fourth graders art class: $1
Time it took him to make it: half hour.
Look in his eyes when you carry it in your purse and show it to everyone: priceless.

Cost of four roses bushes for Mother’s Day: $150
Time to plant them: 2 hours
Being attacked in the shower by a happy wife: priceless.

Cost of Dr Spock Baby Care book: $4.50
Cost of telephone call home: $1.00
Hearing your daughter say, “Mom, I can’t find it in the book. What do I do now?” : priceless.

Sentimental Mother’s Day card $3.50
Time it took for your teenage son to choose it: one tenth of a second
Reading the card out loud in front of as many of your son’s peer’s as you can manage: priceless.

Sentimental Mother’s Day card, one dozen roses: $75
Time it took your husband to choose card: five tenths of a second.
Reading the card over and over again in private and crying: priceless.

Stupid "humorous" Mother’s Day card and one crummy rose $10
Time it took your husband to choose card: three minutes.
Look of "enlightenment" on his face as he ducks the flying lasagna pan: priceless.

Sentimental Mother’s Day card, one dozen long stem roses, one romantic dinner: $300
Money he gave you for new dress, shoes, salon nails and hair: $800
Look of shock on his face when you say, “Absolutely anything you want, anyway you want it tonight,” : priceless.

Cost of ambulance to Emergency Room: $1000
Cost of cardiac workup on your husband: $12,000
Look on his face when he turns to you and says, “Yea, baby, but it was worth it...” : priceless.

Slalom Driving for Deer

Driving Instructions for Shelter Island

Tourist season is upon us now and I thought it would be beneficial to review the driving regulations on Shelter Island.

1. Never use turn signals, it gives away your next move.

2. If you’re a tourist, don’t bother maintaining a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space might be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. We know you need to get where you’re going before anybody else does.

3. If you’re a tourist and want to think like an Islander, start by allowing one deer length for every ten miles per hour of speed. It doesn’t matter if there’s a car in front of you or not, just imagine that there is. The deer however, will not be imaginary.

4. It is suggested that you keep a change of underwear in your vehicle at all times in the event you miscalculate #3.

5. Learn to swerve abruptly without fishtailing. Shelter Island is the home of high-speed deer slalom-driving.

6. Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

7. Give Right of Way to any car that needs extensive or expensive bodywork.

8. Allow truck occupants that stop traffic in both directions so they can have a conversation, 15 seconds before you lay on your horn.

9. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure getting a vigorous ab workout and foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers for off island driving.

11. The top speed limit on Shelter Island is 40 mph. This limit applies even if no one is looking, even if it’s the middle of the night, even if you have a BMW, Porsche, Mercedes or any exotic car, even if you're an illegal alien with a phony license, even if you drive a truck and think you own the place.

12. Just because it’s obvious that you have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that a tourist flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire on Shelter Island. No much goes on here and we need all the news we can get.

14. The faster you drive through a stop sign, the less chance you have of getting hit.

15. Don’t bother wearing your seat belt on Island. This way you can avoid injury in the event of a collision by exiting your vehicle immediately, straight through the windshield. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

16. Remember that the goal of every tourist driver is to get where you’re going before you do.

17. You are not allowed to tie your annoying teenager to your front bumper. You must tie them to the top of the vehicle and be sure the head is securely tied down so it doesn’t flap as you drive.

18. There’s so much conflicting information about the safest place to put the toddlers in car seats, we suggest securing them in the car seat first, then placing them in the trunk and securing the car seats with your jumper cables.

19. Racing to the ferry doesn’t get you off the island any quicker. You still have to wait for the boat.

20. Do not balance your checkbook while in line at the bank’s drive thru window. If you do this, it is legal on Shelter Island for the driver behind you, to push your car gently into traffic.

21. If you cut ahead in a ferry line, be prepared to have your car pushed off the dock. The amount of money you have, what you own, who you own, your level of affluence means nothing here, cut that line and you’re dead.