Slalom Driving for Deer

Driving Instructions for Shelter Island

Tourist season is upon us now and I thought it would be beneficial to review the driving regulations on Shelter Island.

1. Never use turn signals, it gives away your next move.

2. If you’re a tourist, don’t bother maintaining a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space might be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. We know you need to get where you’re going before anybody else does.

3. If you’re a tourist and want to think like an Islander, start by allowing one deer length for every ten miles per hour of speed. It doesn’t matter if there’s a car in front of you or not, just imagine that there is. The deer however, will not be imaginary.

4. It is suggested that you keep a change of underwear in your vehicle at all times in the event you miscalculate #3.

5. Learn to swerve abruptly without fishtailing. Shelter Island is the home of high-speed deer slalom-driving.

6. Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

7. Give Right of Way to any car that needs extensive or expensive bodywork.

8. Allow truck occupants that stop traffic in both directions so they can have a conversation, 15 seconds before you lay on your horn.

9. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure getting a vigorous ab workout and foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers for off island driving.

11. The top speed limit on Shelter Island is 40 mph. This limit applies even if no one is looking, even if it’s the middle of the night, even if you have a BMW, Porsche, Mercedes or any exotic car, even if you're an illegal alien with a phony license, even if you drive a truck and think you own the place.

12. Just because it’s obvious that you have no room to speed up or move over, doesn't mean that a tourist flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire on Shelter Island. No much goes on here and we need all the news we can get.

14. The faster you drive through a stop sign, the less chance you have of getting hit.

15. Don’t bother wearing your seat belt on Island. This way you can avoid injury in the event of a collision by exiting your vehicle immediately, straight through the windshield. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

16. Remember that the goal of every tourist driver is to get where you’re going before you do.

17. You are not allowed to tie your annoying teenager to your front bumper. You must tie them to the top of the vehicle and be sure the head is securely tied down so it doesn’t flap as you drive.

18. There’s so much conflicting information about the safest place to put the toddlers in car seats, we suggest securing them in the car seat first, then placing them in the trunk and securing the car seats with your jumper cables.

19. Racing to the ferry doesn’t get you off the island any quicker. You still have to wait for the boat.

20. Do not balance your checkbook while in line at the bank’s drive thru window. If you do this, it is legal on Shelter Island for the driver behind you, to push your car gently into traffic.

21. If you cut ahead in a ferry line, be prepared to have your car pushed off the dock. The amount of money you have, what you own, who you own, your level of affluence means nothing here, cut that line and you’re dead.