Kindle vs. iPad, both KO'ed by iGal

I Glad For iPad, But I Pal of iGal

CNN reported two days ago about the crisis in the newspaper business. Simply that all media printed on paper is in severe decline owing to the fact that most people read their news online. I think the small local papers will survive where a person does not have access to the internet on a daily basis, but one by one, I think we will see the big papers stop printing on paper altogether. When the New York Times print its’ last paper, that will be the end of newspapers as we have known them. I will miss them. I am a high tech gal, but some things I still like low-tech, like my day planner book and a copy of USA Today on the dashboard.

However, we can’t stop progress. Today I have a bit of a spoiler alert. Ever sensitive to future forecasts and trends, I have long been preparing for the end of the paper paper and soon I will announce the iGal. Unlike it’s predecessors, the Amazon Kindle and the Apple iPad, the iGal will be uniquely qualified to serve women.

Check out these applications that come standard with the iGal.

The iGal can be mounted on the dashboard of your vehicle for hands free operation. The DPMS (iGal’s Don't Push Me System); like it’s cousin the GPS (Global Positioning Service) which just tells you where you are in the world - like you didn’t already know that - the DPMS tells you where you are anywhere in a fifty mile radius. It shows you where traffic is heavy or slowed and provides you with back road alternatives that are not only picturesque, but if you hit the optional FSL (Farm Stand Locator) button you will be able to pick up fresh fruits and veggies as well. The DPMS also has a PSL (Parking Space Locator) that kicks in automatically when it hears you say, “Oh shit, where am I gonna park?” Suddenly, little the screen highlights spaces you can drive to in one minute or less. There is an expensive extra app for the iGal DPMS called DETAT (Don’t Even Think About It) which projects a hologram of your can in the desired space until you drive into your own silhouette. The iGal DPMS also has a nice little app called the CopPop; little red dots just pop up on the DPMS screen showing your the location of any cop cars within a five mile radius, just in case you have a reason to want to know that...

The dashboard mounted iGal also acts as a phone of course, but with the iNod app. This records your voice saying, “okay, yup, I see what you mean, you’re right, yup, okay talk to you soon,” with spaced intervals between each word or phrase so the listener can prattle on and on while you sound fully engaged in conversation while you do something else, like... drive.

In addition to all the features of the iPad, the iGal also has the uBlab, an app that keeps you abreast of whose coming and going in rehab. For celebrities, there’s the MissTwit app which Twitters your fans where you are, but with a two hour delay before posting, so you’re actually telling them where you were two hours ago.

I love the uWho? application for those of us who tend to forget names. Just discreetly get your iGal within 15 feet of anyone and hit the uWho and a micro beam scans and reads any ID they have on them and tells you who they are, really handy. There’s the uMoron app which helps when you’re forced to share space with a moron. You just hit the secret alarm button on the iGal that flashes a loud and noisy “Emergency! Call your (family member of choice)!” allowing you a polite exit. If that fails, there’s another secret button that shoots out a spray of black printer ink, just like an octopus, and while the moron is lost in the ink cloud, you can make your escape.

The iBoss app can be put on automatic and it switches your screen to the project you should be doing whenever your boss approaches. Along with this, I’d get the ICU (I See You) which shows you on a tiny screen what is going on behind you.

For shoppers there’s the OnSale app; it gives you a running scan of what’s on sale inside of any store you stroll by. There’s a companion app called iBuy; this compares the price of the sale item against the money you have in the bank and all available credit you have left on all your cards and lets you know in a flash whether you can afford it or not. The iGal has a little secret compartment for valium so you can discreetly take one before you go in and get that dress that iBuy just sent you the message “No, don’t do it, you will regret it later when you are the best dressed homeless woman in town.”

The iBeach app gives a running update on all the beaches; parking and people congestion, surf conditions, winds, etc.. The iGal comes with a pop out cup holder that can be set to keep you drink hot or cold. It also has the iBlow app which allows the user to blow into a port on the side of the iGal and get an accurate blood alcohol reading before heading back to your car.

These are just a few of the great little apps that will be available on the iGal. Just remember your Kindle can dwindle and your iPad go mad, but with your iGal you wow!