New and Improved tax Deductions

Tax Deductions

Now that we’ve all gotten through another tax season and have moved even further into the land of, “Does ANYONE know what the IRS is really doing? And how do they come up with all these rules?” For me, figuring out taxes is like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall. I got different results from TurboTax and TaxAct, why? Who knows? Did you know that the IRS is the only federal governmental agency that does not conduct outside audits. They audit themselves, and they always get a passing grade.

I’m putting in my wish list for new deductions now. Next year I think we should have deductions for:
* Medical injuries incurred while trying to free products made in China from some form of plastic that not even your ginsu knife will cut. As you hacksaw, tear, curse, pry with a butter knife and everything else you try you eventually cut your hand, happens every time.
* We should be able to deduct any rebate that never comes (Epson is the worst offender in my book).
* We should be able to deduct the final bill for any utility that we terminated and they failed to get us our final refund/settlement within thirty days of termination. I say, if the utilities are going to be so strict about timely payments, then how about we get timely refunds or we get to deduct the last bill? Bet that might provide some motivation.
* I don’t suppose anyone will agree with me on this, but I frequently babysit a toddler. I think I should be able to deduct the duct tape that I use to strap her to the chain link fence at the park for fifteen minutes so I can have a drink and perhaps, take a Xanex, or grind a little up for her bottle. It’s definitely a work-related expense along with any treats I have to get her from the IGA or Fedi’s.
* On very rare occasion, usually in summer, and always a tourist, will cut ahead in the ferry line. I think any front end damage to your vehicle should be tax deductible as you push them out of the line. And no charges should be filed against the ferry worker who pulls them from their cars and beats them while slowly and clearly explaining that unless you have a medical emergency, you wait in line. Not even President Clinton, had he chosen to live on Shelter Island, would be allowed to cut the line. I understand from the old-timers that when Frank Sinatra visited, he couldn’t cut the line either. Here are three universal truths to remember; The sun rises in the east and it sets in the west, and you don’t cut into a ferry line on Shelter Island.
* Someone on some talk show suggested the government tax overweight people to help pay for health care - and thin people get a deduction for being height/weight proportionate. Okay, then we tax all the alcoholics, smokers, people who aggravate us which puts us on anxiety meds, and parents of teenagers should get a free pass till those creeps are eighteen and can be legally pushed out of the nest. I agree I should buy extra airlines seats, well, in my case, I guess I’d have to buy the whole row, but please, if you tax my derriere, the weight of my asset alone will put me up two tax brackets.

These are just a few of my ideas. I have a whole year to cook up more.