No Kidding!

I got into a conversation recently with a young woman who was babysitting about whether or not she was ready to have a child. She was babysitting an adorable three year old and had a very idealized view of motherhood, so I enlightened her. Here are somethings to consider for any young gal who’s wondering whether or not she’s ready to enter the world of martyrdom, I mean motherhood.

For the first month, babies sleep all day and are awake all night. You can’t sleep all day, but test yourself to see how much sleep you can do without each night. If you can run all day on two or three hours sleep, that’s a good beginning.
Now, add colic for the next three months. You can still have three hours of sleep at night, but it has to be broken into half hour segments. And you have to be able to sleep in any chair that has arms to keep you from falling off. If you can still spell your name and repeat your address by memory after a month of colic, you’re doing very well indeed.
For the first six months the baby stays wherever you put him. Can you finish whatever you need to do in the next two years before the baby hits six months and starts to get the concept of crawling? Do you need to paint any rooms? Do you need to finish any degrees? Do you want to read a book? Whatever it is, you have until the baby is crawling to get it done, after that, it’s a five year wait till they start school before you’ll have any real time to accomplish anything.
Around eight months, the baby has gone mobile. Can you keep track of a constantly moving object without tying it to the leg of a chair with a bungee cord? Add babyfood and fling it around your dining room a bit, can you stand the look of dripping peaches on the wall for a few minutes until the flinger has flung his last? Or are you compelled to jump up and clean immediately? If you can’t wait, you may have trouble with motherhood.
Around one year, the baby begins to walk and undoes anything you do right behind you. To test your tolerance for a one year old, invite a friend over, get a big box of Cherrios and raisins. Both of you grind Cherrios and raisins into your carpet. Now, you get the vacuum and start vacuuming. Have your friend go behind you and grind fresh Cherrios and raisins into the area you just cleaned while holding onto your leg and crying. Can you stand it or do you have the urge to beat your friend with the conveiniently attached retractable vacuum hose? If you can stand it, then something is wrong with you. If you have the urge to beat with the hose, but are able to restrain yourself, you might make it as a mother.
Go visit a mother with an 18 month old toddler. If you walk into a clean house, she’s hiding something - like the kid in a closet somewhere.... But, if you walk in and nearly break your neck trying not to trip on any toys as you navigate to the couch, you’re in the right place (I always offered to rake a path for guests, but that’s just me). If all the visible surfaces are cluttered and /or sticky, welcome to a toddler’s home. Look at the exhausted mother in clean, but stained clothes. Look at the circles under her eyes and her horrible hair. Listen to her struggle to converse with you over a kiddie show blaring on the TV in the background. Look at whatever is playing on the TV, can you watch that all day without screaming? Watch how she talks to you, but her eyes never leave the child. When you go to leave, watch how she tackles the toddler before you open that door and give him a chance to make a break for it - can you move that fast?
If you’ve made it this far, I’d say you stand a chance to make it as a mother. But stop your exposure to toddlers at 18 months and skip straight to the 3 year olds. Do not go near a 2 year old, or you’ll pay any guy at the docks with a fillet knife and fishing line to ties your tubes.

It’s Not Easy Being Blue

NH Man Snares Rare, Cobalt-Blue Lobster
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. – At first, New Hampshire lobsterman Bill Marconi thought he had caught a shiny blue beer can in his trap. It turns out it was a rare, cobalt-blue lobster. ... only one in 5 million lobsters are blue... Marconi donated his lobster to the Seacoast Science Center.

“Hello, this is Jan Percy, coming to you live from the Seacoast Science Center in Portsmouth, where our special guest today is the new, one-in-five million, blue lobster recently donated to the Center. We’ve dropped a special microphone in the tank and through the miracle of iMacs, we will be able to talk to our new little friend. Hello there little blue guy..... how are you today?”
“I feel like crap. I’m sliding off a plastic reef, there’s nothing to eat but the rotten chicken they feed us. It’s true we eat things that are dead, but very few chickens drown and make it to the bottom of the ocean, you know what I’m saying? A couple of fish heads would be nice.”
“But you’re the only blue lobster in the tank. There’s only a few of you in captivity. Surely you must feel some sense of pride, of being special?”
“Puhleez.....I’m not the only lobster in this display tank you know, and I’m only one and a half pounds. There’s a big guy whose eleven pounds, he gets to live because he’s huge, but he’s a real bastard. He walks over all of us, especially the new guys, and guess how hard it is for him to spot a blue lobster? You might as well put a flag on my antenna that says, “Crush Here”. And crabs, you put us in the same tank as crabs.”
“What’s the problem with crabs? You live together under the sea - don’t you?”
“Let me help you out here sister, crustaceans, like humans, have a basic stratification to their society. Putting crabs in to live side by side with lobsters is like putting crack addicts in with neurosurgeons, okay? They can’t even walk straight. They’re the first ones on the scene when anything big and dead shows up and we usually just hang back till they eat off all the raggedy stuff and then leave. Lobsters only scavenge the best of the rest and leave the little tidbits for the shrimp who at least have curved tails.”
“I wasn’t aware of any of that.”
“Of course not, why would the Discovery Channel cover that? And we wouldn’t talk to them anyway. They just look for new species of crustaceans. We run and hide from divers because we know, what they film today, they fillet tomorrow.”
“So, I guess you’d rather be back in the Atlantic?”
“Picking up on that are you? Of course I’d rather be home. I miss my family. I had a nice girl and she didn’t mind me being blue. It’s not easy being blue when everyone else is a normal mottled green. I went through a lot. I got a nice place together with this blue sponge and we helped each other. I hid next to him and brought him food. It was a good life, until......”
“But still, living in the display tank is better than....you know....”
“Being boiled alive, bored out and dipped in melted butter? Yes, you could say that.”
“Do blue lobster taste different than regular ones?”
”Sure, I answer that, and next week I’m on TV in Martha Stewart’s kitchen. Blue lobsters taste horrible I assure you. Matter of fact, I think the blue pigment makes us poisonous. One bite and a human covers himself with butter and goes mad. This interview is over, have a nice day girlfriend.”
“All right then. This is Jan Percy signing off. And now over to Jimmy Kim and what’s cookin’ in his Crab Shack today.”

The Lobster Liberation League

NH Man Snares Rare, Cobalt-Blue Lobster
Aug 21, 2009; PORTSMOUTH, N.H. – At first, New Hampshire lobsterman Bill Marconi thought he had caught a shiny blue beer can in his trap. It turns out it was a rare, cobalt-blue lobster. The 52-year-old lobsterman was out hauling 400 traps with his son Wednesday when he snared the 1 1/2-pound lobster in between his dock and the Isle of Shoals, about six miles off the coast. New England Aquarium Research Director Mike Tlusty told Foster's Daily Democrat only one in 5 million lobsters are blue.
Tlusty said blue lobsters are different in that they are better at processing astaxanthin, an antioxidant with a red pigment derived from algae. The substance bonds with proteins in the lobster's shell, resulting in the blue pigment. Marconi donated his lobster to the Seacoast Science Center.

Do you ever wonder what lobsters think about when they see us looking at them in tanks?

“How you doin’ today, Joe?”

“I’m okay, a little depressed. They got Sue and Larry yesterday.”

“Yeah, I saw. But at least they went together and that’s something. You know they met in this tank just last Tuesday.”

“Yeah Bill? They acted like they knew each other for weeks.”

“Well, that’s how it is Joe, a few good days, stroking antenna, can seem like a whole week.”

“Did you hear about that blue son of a bitch they found in Maine? Little s.o.b. got donated to a museum just because he was blue. He could be an idiot, he could be a schmuck, he could be one of those lobsters that hangs outs with crabs, those low life side walking little pricks, but Ohhhhh....he's blue, so that makes him better than the rest of us. One in five million they said, and just because he has the right DNA, he gets to live.... it don’t seem right, Bill.”

“It ain’t right, Joe. We need a gimmick, something to keep us alive. If we can’t be blue, maybe we can learn to tap our antenna on the glass in time to the music...not many lobsters can keep time, and if they’d unband our claws maybe we could click in time to music, you know, like marachas - that’d be a reason to keep us alive.”

“Damn if you ain’t right, Bill. We gotta get organized and get a gimmick. The Lobster Liberation League - showing humans everywhere what a friend we can be. We could be pets like their dogs - they don’t eat them you know.”

“Yeah... and we’re as good as any crummy dog. We can live in a sink or a pan. They could talk to us, we wouldn’t tell any secrets.”

“And home security, Bill, we'd be great at that. What burglar would expect to be hit in the face with a live lobster? Grab his nose with your crusher claw and his lips with the pincher.... the guy would run screaming from the house. We’d get written up in papers. I can see the headline now....Lobsters; Law Enforcement’s Best Friend.”

“It’s a beautiful thing, Joe. Oh geez... wait.... here comes a hand.....move over ,Bill....Damn! He got me, Bill!”

“Joe! Joe! Stay strong. Remember - Long Live The Lobster Liberation League!”

“Keep the faith brother... and get the others to dance or something. Hell, talk to the crabs if you have to - goodbye Bill!”

Divorce Shelter Island Style

“Italy Hosts Its First Divorce Fair
Reuters Wed May 5, 3:21 pm ET
MILAN (Reuters Life!) – Italy is holding its first divorce fair, offering services such as life coaching and beauty advice to a booming number of separating couples in the Catholic country. The organizers said the fair (www.puntoeacapo.it), which will be held in Milan on May 8-9, aims to help divorcing people start a new, happier life. "Smiling is key to this fair, which also offers serious, practical advice for often dramatic situations," Franco Zanetti, who created the event, told Reuters. The services include divorce planning, anti-stalking help, and "new look" tips, the organizers said.”

Divorce Fair - Island Style

Divorce Lite = Separated, both still living on the Island, but haven’t bothered filing for a divorce because the tax benefits are better as a couple. The Divorce Lite couple still talk to each other and are civil in all public situations. No food fights at the Fireman’s BBQ. No fighting over who gets the kids, each parents takes turns with the creeps. No dating in-laws. Dating your spouses first cousins is acceptable and even damn near unavoidable on Shelter Island. And she still gets to call him with any car problems.

Divorced Regular = Both parties still live on the Island and for the most part are civil to each other. Exchanging barbs or the finger in public on occasion is acceptable, but no fighting in the IGA check out line. Each parent still has to take a turn with the kids, although they can pretend they want more time with the little darlings just to irritate the other person. Dating former brother or sister in laws for revenge is acceptable, but not recommended, it’s easier and less complicated just to key the other person’s car. She has to call him with car problems or listen to a big lecture on how she chose an idiot to repair the car.

Divorce Invisible = Both still live on the Island, each pretends the other does not exist. They can sit together anywhere because they can’t speak a single word to each other without it erupting into exactly where they left off during the last fight. They only communicate through e-mails so each has a chance to thoroughly overanalyze what that the other didn’t mean or is trying not to say.... Their children are not pawns in the game because the kids have their own system worked out in which their parents are pawns.

Divorce Severe = This couple has divided everything in half perfectly and each swears the other got more. They even divided the ferries - one gets the North Ferry and one gets the South Ferry. Both are determined to stay on the Island and drive the other one off. They work hard to date the person their former spouse hates the most on Shelter Island. They don’t have to stalk the former spouse because everyone on the Island lets them know where they saw his or her car last. The CIA could take lessons in brilliant espionage from angry divorced couples on the Island. She’d never call him for car assistance, because given the chance, he’ll drive her car into the bay.

Divorce Do Overs - Formerly divorced couples who remarry after some years of dating other people. They slowly come to the conclusion, that unless something is terribly deranged in their former spouses, it’s a lot easier to stay with some one you’re used to and vice versa, than to train a whole new person to bend to your will. And once again, she has the joy of walking in and saying, “Honey, the car’s making a funny noise.” She listens to a few curses and goes to start dinner knowing he’ll take care of it.

Boating; More Tips for Newbies

Notes for Boats #2

I got many responses to last weeks Rules for Boating. Here are some of the funniest.

From Bob P. > You can’t do anything for a seasick person. Find them a place to hang their head over the side towards the back of the boat preferably. Give them something to sit on. Remove all sharp objects from view, because if they have a chance to kill themselves, they will. Wish them luck and return to your party.

From Peggy G. > “Beware of Flying Tarantula’s” > In 1964, Peggy was a young gal from New Mexico. She was going boating on the Atlantic for the first time. She thought it would be like the calm lake boating in New Mexico. She paid for a terrific beehive hairdo ($40 bucks was a lot then) which included a “switch”, an extra hairpiece for volume and height. She sprayed her beehive using half a can of hairspray, confident that her hairdo would last the day.
But, Peggy was going boating off Martha’s Vineyard in a Boston Whaler..... Whalers go very fast and in five minutes after take off, her whole cone shaped beehive had shifted to the back of her head, making her look like a cartoon character who was zooming by. As she struggled with her hairdo, the sea spray and wind speed of the boat tore off her switch and the sticky, hairspray-laden, brown hairpiece landed on the face of her boyfriend who was sitting behind her. He screamed and said he felt like he’d be hit with a flying tarantula. Another male member of their party said he looked like he’d been hit by something else that ordinarily doesn’t fly, but Dan’s is a PG-13 magazine so you’ll have to use your imagination.

From Joe McF > Don’t let seasick people try to jump for the dock as you come in. They are desperate to get to any stable surface, but they suddenly think they can jump eight feet when they see the dock. When they fall in, only let one person go in after them. Three is too many and if they’ve been drinking, you have to remind them to let you cut the engine, and hence the whirling propeller, before they try to climb up on the back of the boat.

From Jackie V. > Jackie is a nurse and while boating with friends, she tripped and got an inch gash above one eyebrow. The pilot was also an MD and had his doctor bag in with the First Aid kit. He had a little suture set and stitched her up. He said he hoped it would look all right, he didn’t ordinarily stitch women’s faces. She asked him what his specialty was, he said, “I’m an Ob/Gyn man.”

From Jimmy > Putting smelly, sticky, bait in your girlfriends designer blue jeans while she’s swimming is not as fun an idea as it sounds. But it is a good way to find out just how hard she can hit and how long she can stay mad.

From my family files > My Uncle Walter never lived down the time we were all boating and his wife yelled at him not to jump in the water with his new watch on. So, he carefully took it off, pushed it into the pocket of his cut off jeans, and jumped in the bay. Yes, alcohol was involved.

Safe boating everyone!