No Kidding!

I got into a conversation recently with a young woman who was babysitting about whether or not she was ready to have a child. She was babysitting an adorable three year old and had a very idealized view of motherhood, so I enlightened her. Here are somethings to consider for any young gal who’s wondering whether or not she’s ready to enter the world of martyrdom, I mean motherhood.

For the first month, babies sleep all day and are awake all night. You can’t sleep all day, but test yourself to see how much sleep you can do without each night. If you can run all day on two or three hours sleep, that’s a good beginning.
Now, add colic for the next three months. You can still have three hours of sleep at night, but it has to be broken into half hour segments. And you have to be able to sleep in any chair that has arms to keep you from falling off. If you can still spell your name and repeat your address by memory after a month of colic, you’re doing very well indeed.
For the first six months the baby stays wherever you put him. Can you finish whatever you need to do in the next two years before the baby hits six months and starts to get the concept of crawling? Do you need to paint any rooms? Do you need to finish any degrees? Do you want to read a book? Whatever it is, you have until the baby is crawling to get it done, after that, it’s a five year wait till they start school before you’ll have any real time to accomplish anything.
Around eight months, the baby has gone mobile. Can you keep track of a constantly moving object without tying it to the leg of a chair with a bungee cord? Add babyfood and fling it around your dining room a bit, can you stand the look of dripping peaches on the wall for a few minutes until the flinger has flung his last? Or are you compelled to jump up and clean immediately? If you can’t wait, you may have trouble with motherhood.
Around one year, the baby begins to walk and undoes anything you do right behind you. To test your tolerance for a one year old, invite a friend over, get a big box of Cherrios and raisins. Both of you grind Cherrios and raisins into your carpet. Now, you get the vacuum and start vacuuming. Have your friend go behind you and grind fresh Cherrios and raisins into the area you just cleaned while holding onto your leg and crying. Can you stand it or do you have the urge to beat your friend with the conveiniently attached retractable vacuum hose? If you can stand it, then something is wrong with you. If you have the urge to beat with the hose, but are able to restrain yourself, you might make it as a mother.
Go visit a mother with an 18 month old toddler. If you walk into a clean house, she’s hiding something - like the kid in a closet somewhere.... But, if you walk in and nearly break your neck trying not to trip on any toys as you navigate to the couch, you’re in the right place (I always offered to rake a path for guests, but that’s just me). If all the visible surfaces are cluttered and /or sticky, welcome to a toddler’s home. Look at the exhausted mother in clean, but stained clothes. Look at the circles under her eyes and her horrible hair. Listen to her struggle to converse with you over a kiddie show blaring on the TV in the background. Look at whatever is playing on the TV, can you watch that all day without screaming? Watch how she talks to you, but her eyes never leave the child. When you go to leave, watch how she tackles the toddler before you open that door and give him a chance to make a break for it - can you move that fast?
If you’ve made it this far, I’d say you stand a chance to make it as a mother. But stop your exposure to toddlers at 18 months and skip straight to the 3 year olds. Do not go near a 2 year old, or you’ll pay any guy at the docks with a fillet knife and fishing line to ties your tubes.