Polyandry: With Six You Get Eggroll

Now that gay marriage is legal in New York, it’s likely the rest of the states will soon follow. Beyond the obvious positives and negatives, there’s one inevitable outgrowth from this new precedent. If it’s okay for any two consenting adults to get married, then, by logical extension, why not three consenting adults, why not four, why not relatives? There’s no longer any legal justification to outlaw polygamy or polyandry. I’m betting we’ll see a test case very soon.

Personally, I’m making a case for polyandry. I believe a woman needs more than one man to achieve true happiness.

First, we need a husband I’ll call, Handy Andy. Andy is capable of performing all the small fix-it jobs around the house and yard. He pretty much lives in the garage and you just have to throw him a baloney sandwich and a beer every once in a while.

Second, we need a Travelin’ Sam. A man who likes to drive and will pick us up at the airport with no complaints and no turn-by-turn playback of all the traffic they encountered on their way to JFK. Sam keeps the cars up and always has the registrations and insurance stuff all up to date. He lives in the garage with Andy and he has a nice TV out there that the two of them can watch and do male bondage things together.

Third, we don’t need a Range Rover, we need a Range Roger. Roger is a chef who can cook delicious food within any dietary restrictions we need. Roger cleans as he cooks. He sleeps on a stool in the corner of the kitchen and magically always has hot coffee ready, day or night.

Four, we need a gay man. I’ll call him Gay Ray. Ray is your best friend. None of your other husbands know what a window treatment is, to them a curtain, is -perish the thought -just a curtain. Room accent pieces, the importance of art in the home, and fung shui, are all far beyond the comprehension of the straight male. Ray understands the need for retail therapy and will not make a face when you ask him to hold your handbag while you try something on.

Lastly, we need a sex maid. I’ll call him, Kinky Kirby. He has two functions, one, sex on demand, and two, he loves to clean. He should be that most elusive of all men, a non-nagging neatnik. When he’s not in your bed, he’s making it.

If you live near the water, you can qualify for one bonus husband, a boatman, I’m calling mine, Skipper. Skipper lives on the boat and keeps it yar and ready for sail at a moment’s notice. He has the boat decorated by Gay Ray, so it doesn’t go overboard with nautical design. Range Roger delivers him meals.

So, as you can see, everyone helps each other and plays nice together. Yup, polyandry is an old idea for a new era.