St Patrick and ugly sheep

Mar 9, 2012

Being Irish is sort of like being Jewish I think. You feel a strong affinity to the homeland, even if you’ve never been there. It’s like you can feel it in your blood. I’ve been watching a terrific show called, “Who Do You Think You Are?” which traces people’s ancestry. What I find very intriguing is that every person so far, says that they always felt drawn to a certain place that turns out to be the country of their forefathers. It makes you wonder...

St Patrick did a lot for the Irish in the 900’s. He brought the country out of the mode of warring pagan tribes and into civilization. He established the first schools and even universities. Considering what a routy bunch the Irish still are, I can only imagine what St Patrick had to deal with... wouldn’t surprise me a bit if blarney waas invented by St Pat himself.

“Poreg, you can’t marry a sheep and that’s that!”
“But Father Patrick, Daisy’s good to me, and far more faithful than any woman has ever been! Why can’t I marry her? She loves me, and she’s four years old, that puts her well above the age of consent for sheep.”
“It’s not about age of consent or love - well it is - but not when it comes to sheep. You can keep her as a friend, a pet, like a cat.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Father, a man can’t have a loving relationship with a cat. Now, a sheep...”
“STOP! Poreg, people marry people and that’s the end of it.”
“Don’t make me choose between church and sheep, Father.”
“Poreg, if you choose the Church, we will have Whisky, invented by Irish Monks, in the eleventh century.”
“And how far away is this eleventh century now, Father?”
“Well, we’re in the ninth century now, tenth is next.... sure, the eleventh century will be here in just a few years. Just think of it, in a short time you’ll be drinking Whisky -the water of life- and isn’t that worth the havin?”
“You make a good argument, Father. Truth is, I was getting tired of Daisy anyway. She can’t cook and has terrible gas from eating all that grass, y’know.”
“There’s a good man, Poreg. Now, about the human sacrifices.....”
“Hold on, Father, I’m ahead of you there. You’ve gotten nearly all the tribes to stop it, and my tribe will be stopping it too.”
“I am relieved to hear it!”
“Just as soon as we get rid of Boobaa. He’s an idiot. We were going to trade him to another tribe, you know how we hate to sacrifice our own, we usually swap sacrificial victims, but we can’t find anyone to trade with no more because of you, so we’re toasting him at the next full moon. After that, we’re open for the new faith.”
“What if I take Boobaa off your hands, then you don’t have to sacrifice him.”
“That’s very nice of you, Father, I think the tribe would appreciate that. He’s such an moron. He’s the laughing stock of the tribe since he married Lola.”
“What’s wrong with Lola? She’s not a sheep too, is she?”
”Yes, but Father, she’s the ugly one.”

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick’s Day. As I write this column on the 12th, St. Patrick’s Day is still five days away. We are making all the usual preparations.

First, we bought beer. But now we have to do that again because somehow the bought beer has been tested for quality to the point of extinction.

The seven quality testers now have to argue over which brand should be bought for the party. Four are voting for Guinness because of tradition. I’m sure it’s for the flavor and has nothing to do with the higher alcohol content. Two are advocating for Bud, which is mother’s milk in my clan, and one tester is wisely suggesting that we buy a variety of beers so everyone will be happy. That idea won’t fly because it eliminates too many arguments over which is the best beer. The fewer arguments, the less the chance of the hooley (party with punch) becoming a donnybrook (punching party), well, we can’t have that... My mother, who was not one of the quality testers, suggested her favorite beer, Coors light. Only the fact that she is a mother saved her ejection via the back door. I’m not a beer drinker myself because I hate the taste of it, tastes sour, bitter and just awful to me. But there’s something about the mention Coors light that makes a serious beer drinker’s head pop up and spin around. My brother's call Coors Light "piss water".

We will be having the traditional corned beef and cabbage - because we actually like it. I love colcannon (mashed potatoes except you replace half the boiled potatoes for boiled cabbage, very tasty). I have my grandmothers handwritten recipes for tea brack and soda bread. I’d make the tea brack from scratch but I discovered a fast, easy and delicious shortcut; buy the dough for roll-up crescents and sprinkle raisins and dried fruit bits on the dough, roll and bake = delish! Seems odd though, to serve tea brack with coffee instead of a bracing Irish tea, but that’s the way Irish Americans do it. Of course, it is Irish coffee (which contains our four basic food groups; coffee, liquor, sugar and milk) a nice big cup of Irish coffee first thing in the morning on St. Pat’s and continuing through the day - it helps block the smell of boiling cabbage.

We’ll be making green cupcakes with green icing and green sprinkles. The only scary thing about food green food dye is that it remains green on its journey through the body. It can be a wee bit of a shock unless someone clues you in beforehand. I forgot to tell it to my husband one year and he was prepared to rush to the E.R. the next day, certain that his intestines had gone gangrene. I did a fantastic job of keeping a straight face while addressing his concerns and simultaneously ignoring the wicked family members who were laughing in the background.

Next we have to delegate someone as the Designated Defender. Just like a Designated Driver, someone has to be the Designated Defender at Irish family parties now. This is the person who answers the door and talks to the police when they come. We didn’t need them when I was a child in Sayville, NY, because the police (whom we either knew or were related to) would come in and have a short one with the family before admonishing us to keep it down. They were always invited to come back after their shift.

In truth our St. Patrick’s celebrations have become thin and sedate as the family has spread out over the country and everyone tries to have no more than two DUI offenses on their record these days. Still, I know we all think back to our happiest times with too many people drinking too much, singing too much, fighting too much, the near arrests, the property damage .....ahhhh, it’s those little things I miss.