Where Is Your Mother?

overheard in the Police Station on Shelter Island....

“How many does that make now, Greg?”
“Thirty Seven. Thirty seven Island mothers in hiding till school opens. Their kids are all running wild all over the place. The Dads are semi-comatose walking around their houses babbling, “Where is your mother?” all day. It’s a mess.”
“Any chance they got off Island, Bob?”
“None. We’ve had guys at the ferries checking all the off bound cars for the past two weeks. All the private boats are accounted for and we’ve published a warning that any Islander caught aiding and abetting an Island mother to escape will have to take care of her children till school opens.”
“Kinda stiff punishment ain’t it?”
“Yeah, but we gotta take a tough stand. This is getting worse every year. Island kids don’t have a big fancy Youth Center, no movies, no book & cafe stores, they have absolutely nothing to do and if they get off Island to have any fun, they have to make the last ferry at 2AM or they sleep in the parking lots till 6AM. It’s tough being a teen on Shelter Island. They only fun they have is torturing their bratty younger siblings and their parents. Parents do the best they can. Some turn to alcohol and drugs, some hide in the woods till Labor Day.”
“Hey, Bob - did anyone think of checking the deer blinds?”
“Yeah. We think lots of them are there, but we can’t seem to catch them. We used hundreds of melted down Hersey’s bars to make chocolate licks to draw them out, but they just disappeared. We chained a couple of young handsome tourists to some trees with alarm bells on them, but in the morning, all that was left of them was their shoelaces and a lovely thank you note. We think we may have thought up one idea that might work, but it’s very expensive.”
“What ever it is, we should do it. I’m tired of corralling these kids all the time.”
“All the Island husbands had a meeting to discuss what women like more than chocolate and sex. Suddenly, like the gleam of the sun off of a fishing line that just went tight, it dawned on everybody. Shopping. Labor Days Sales.....shopping. It’s our only hope. The Town Board is debating approving a $500 Tanger Mall debit card, plus bus transportation, plus package carrying, and purse holding assistance, for every mother who turns herself in. We’re ready to shower the Island with fliers. The biggest surprise - even the kids are willing to pitch in. They’re all so sick of foraging for food in empty cupboards, they’re offering to clean the houses if the mothers come back. How’s that for a kicker?”
“Holy moly! I never thought I’d hear that. We’re not going to punish the moms at all - you know, for abandoning their posts?”
“Not necessary, returning home to take care of their bratty, unappreciative, smart ass kids is punishment enough for anyone.”

Christmas Shopping

All right, it's officially on. The Christmas Season has started and shopping is the first order of business. By now, we've all read several magazines describing how to make inexpensive, made-with-love, gifts. But does a homemade wreath or fruitcake say, "I love you" as much as a new DVD player or expensive jewelry? Of course not, you fool! Therefore, I offer my rules for Christmas shopping

1. Re-gifting is fine as long as you make absolutely certain you are not re-gifting to the person who gave it to you in the first place.

2. All's fair in love, war and shopping. Don't hesitate to use Photoshop to create a handicap parking tag to hang from your mirror or put on your dashboard. This reduces the time it takes to cross the parking lot to the store, and it really helps at the end of the day when, whipped, you're using your shopping cart like a rolling walker.

3. There are no calories in Christmas or Hanukah foods. None. God sent you these treats because he loves you and doesn't want you to pass out in K-Mart for lack of nourishment.

4. When shopping, learn how to cleverly hide the item you're just thinking about behind an unrelated item until you can decide. For example, hiding the last Hollywood Barbie (complete with a play syringe for Botox injections and inflatable breasts) behind a display of men's nail clippers in zippered cases is brilliant!

5. She who hesitates will cost. If you find a good item on sale, don't "over shop," comparing its cost in three other stores. If you find it on sale, and it fills the bill, just buy it - the recipient can always re-gift it later.

6. If it fits you, it's on sale and it's in your color, buy the damn outfit. Don't come home without the pants that match the jacket! You are never going to get back to that store for the pants, so give someone else on your Christmas list a cheaper gift and get the outfit.

7. When faced with a choice of getting someone what she actually wants, or purchasing something else she might like that looks far more expensive than it really costs, go for the second option. She'll think you spent more money on her than she did on you, which ups the ante for next year.

8. Keep a red pen in your car. If you overspend (and you know you will) mark the prices down on the price tags in the car. This way you can show your significant other how much money you saved.

9. If you overspend and you'd feel deceitful marking down the prices, there's another option. Simply bring in only half the gifts you bought. Bring in the smallest boxes, they seem less expensive to the casual observer looking over his shoulder at you from the couch. Big boxes are scary, so leave them in the trunk.

10. Never put together a wagon or bicycle if you have been drinking. You'll never find your bag of nuts and the rinky-dink tools they include in the box will irritate you.

11. If you have to put together a wagon or bicycle, and the instructions are in Chinese, go ahead and get drunk first, the instructions might make a little more sense. If they don't, you won't care!

12. Guys: Don't propose to your girlfriend on Christmas. You can't double up and use the engagement ring as a Christmas gift. Getting you for a husband isn't a sufficient gift either. I don't care what part of you has a bow on it. You are not a Christmas present!