Spring for a Change

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines...

For some people, the sounds of the first robins herald spring. For some it starts the first time they mow the lawn. For some it starts the first time you look at the paint on the kitchen wall, thinking how tired you are of that color and then you look at the husband in the lazyboy, thinking how tired you are of that man and decide one of them has to change. Of the two it’s easier to change the man because a new man will want to impress you and will paint the kitchen without complaining about the color so you can get that gorgeous soft orange sherbert color you really want. Yes, Spring is a time for change.

Soon, clothes that didn’t fit last summer will come out of the closet to be re-packed in the hopes that they will fit next summer. Kids who have driven you nuts being underfoot all winter will drive you nuts because you won’t know where they are all summer.

Sears is running lots of commercials about lawn mowers and your man is surreptitiously paying close attention to those ads. Soon he’ll say things like, “Make sure you get the giant bottle of advil at the store, honey. I know my back will kill me this year...that old mower..I hope the wheels will move better so I don’t have to shove it across the lawn like last year. I’ll probably need back surgery by September from that old mower. But, what can you do?”

Ignore him. He saw that Sears ad for the riding mower with the back massage unit, mini bar and DVD player. It’s a $5000 mower and he doesn’t need it as much as you need whatever it is you want.

Next, he’ll up his game. “Ron got one of those riding mowers last year. Energy efficient, used less gas than his old push mower. It saved his back too he said. But I don’t want one of those things though, no room in the garage and you get no exercise. No,no... we’ll just stay with the Ol’ Dinosaur.”

Ignore him. You need a new mattress, start angling for that. “We could really use a new mattress Pete. That would make your back feel better.”

“Yes, we could get a new mattress but we wouldn’t need one if my back didn’t get thrown out every time I mowed. Ron mows every third day now. He lives to mow. Mowing is his life. His wife never has to nag him. Yup... he says that new riding mower has saved his marriage. Now that he’s not in constant agony, he has more energy to take Sheila out.”

Oh.... he’s good... real good.

“Yea, but Pete, I love the way you sleep all twisted up, I fit so perfectly into the niche by your shoulder.”

“Yea, I guess you’re used to it. Be different for you sleeping with a man not all twisted up in agony from spending hours of his precious life dragging a three wheeled, one blade left lawn mover back and forth across an acre of land in the hot sun on a rainy day.”

“Uh huh, that would be different, but I like things the way they are and I know how much you hate change.”

“I do hate change baby, that’s a fact. But change is good now and then.”

“Ah Pete, I’m so glad to hear you say that. I’ve been thinking of changing the living room.”

“Oh, not again... I just painted that room and moved all that furniture five years ago. You can’t be tired of it already. How can women get tired of things so fast? Why does every paint color have a time limit in your brain? Why can’t we keep furniture until we actually wear it out?”

“It is worn out.”

“So’s the mower.”

“Is not..”

“Is to..”

“You can have the new mower if I can spend the same amount on a new living room.”

“Do I have to paint?”

“You have to paint.”

“Don’t you love me anymore?”

“No. I just keep you around for sex which you don’t want to do now because the last time we did it I noticed this ceiling needs painting too.”

“But I can have the mower right? If I agree to everything?”

“Yes.”

“Dr. Phil would say you’re making me agree under duress and that’s not fair.”

“Dr Phil’s mother in law isn’t coming to visit here for two weeks in July.”

“What?!? No way! She hates me!”

“Okay so give me my new furniture, paint the room and I’ll go see her instead.”

“And I get the mower? The NASCAR edition?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, sounds fair enough to me!”

Now that’s how you spring for a change!