Beach Blanket Bingo!

The Art of the Beach Blanket

It’s the middle of summer and the stores are already rushing us to buy ‘back to school’ stuff. I think retailers hate August because there’s not a single holiday in it, that’s why they have to push Back to School stuff. How about a bill that says retailers can’t push holiday or season related items till three weeks before the event? That way we could all slow down and breathe and not feel so rushed. How ironic, that the more technology we create to save time, the more time we lose. I want to enjoy summer without having to crowd my mind with getting ready for school!

I went to the beach recently and enjoyed practicing a fine art that technology can’t teach you and can’t improve upon. It requires patience, skill, control and grace. It is an Island skill, a coastal skill. The Art of the Beach Blanket.

Beach blankets stake out your turf by the surf. Like an Indian graveyard, everyone knows you never walk across someone else’s beach blanket. When you arrive at a beach, you must select an area that is roughly equidistant from all others there. Unless you are one of the first two arrivals in which case you can put your blankets anywhere and all others have to orient according to your blankets.

Laying down and gathering up your beach blanket takes years of practice to do well. You have to bring a blanket big enough for your whole party, but not so bulky that you can’t spread it out by yourself. You find that certain spot. You gauge where the edge of the blanket should be, and standing with your back to the wind, you unfurl your old bedspread in it’s final incarnation as an island in the sun. Sometimes the wind shifts and your blanket cigarette rolls. But experts wait for the updraft and in one gesture, unfurl and loft the blanket, lowering it slowly with the dying breeze into a perfect square shape. You enjoy that moment of accomplishment as you go around and secure all four corners with sand. You then add all the beach accouterments you schlepped. Next you cover all the kids with tee shirts or sunscreen, you give instructions on free range limits, and finally sit in your chair. With your hand you punch a cup holder pocket into the blanket that is half the height of a coke can, anything less and I can guarantee, somebody will tip over that drink.

No matter how crowded the beach, you must keep a walkway of sand between blankets. No matter how crowded, you must pretend that you cannot see or hear anything that is going on on any other blanket. Even though it may be possible to grab your little cooler with one hand and bash the head of the young man next to you, who is blasting obscene rap music, it is frowned upon. The rules are, if it bothers you, you have to get up and move or leave. However, there is nothing in the rules that says you can’t crack his windshield with your little cooler on the way to your car.

Sometimes young couples get a little too amorous on their beach blanket and you’re supposed to look away. But lately I decided, if they didn’t bring enough for the whole class, then they have to stop. So if things get a little too steamy, I look right at them. This tends to cool their ardor and often elicits their question, “What are you lookin’ at?” My response, “You’re the ones puttin’ on the show... why don’t you get a car?”

At the end of your stay comes the true test of your beach blanket expertise... the lifting of the blanket. By now your blanket has acquired a layer of sand from kids running on and off, sand kicked up by passing feet and fine sand that came in on the breeze. The rules are, you have to get this blanket up without redistributing your sand onto other blankets. Some people start at one edge and gently shake the sand down as they go. The sand still flies onto other people, but they can see that you are trying, so you don’t have to apologize. But almost always a gust of wind comes up and somebody get a face full of your sand, then you have to apologize and they have to say, “It’s alright.”. Novices just get up and shake their blanket, coating everyone around them and we all say, “Thanx....” with our distinctive New York intonation that let’s them know that we know how to wrap a body in a beach blanket and position it for the outgoing tide...

Sitting on a beach blanket, listening to seagulls, hearing the rush of wind and waves, is as close to heaven as I need to be in this life. I always say the salt air blows goes in one ear and out the other clearing out all the chafe. Within the imaginary boundaries of my beach blanket I can focus on what’s important, like making a list of back to school things my son needs and looking at my calendar and figuring out that there’s only nine paychecks till Christmas...