I figured out that there’s no holiday’s in August simply because it’s just too hot to do anything.
The August Excuse: This is the official excuse of August and it is acceptable in any situation: “I can’t. It’s just too hot.”
August Sex: “Fugettabowtit! We’re not having sex unless it’s in front of an air conditioner and neither of us has to move.”
The August Defense: “Because Your Honor, it was 94 degrees, the humidity was 94 percent, I was up to my eyeballs in cramps, I had to go off island on a Friday to replace a dead hamster, we had to go to three places to find a girl hamster and when the kids and I got back at 8:30, he was in his chair askin’ me what’s for dinner. So, I grabbed the frying pan, intending to sauté a lovely vegetable medley and make a fritata with homemade salsa, sour cream and garnish with scallions, when suddenly his head ran into the pan. ..........Yes Your Honor, yes it did, he ran into the pan six times. I was right there, I saw the whole thing.”
The Hair of August: We wash our hair. We fix it nice. We reach up to scratch an itch and say, “Oh Gawd... I still have sand in my hair?”
The Cars of August: Having vacuumed our cars twice since summer began we are now resigned to let the sand stay there till autumn. Furthermore, you can identify those who will not be cleaning their cars till autumn by the new line up of shells along the dashboard. In addition to shells, I have a crab on my dashboard. With his multi directional eyes, he is my navi-crab. I think everyone on Shelter Island in August has some of a beach in a car...
August Shoes: All cute cheap shoes bought in July look like crap in August. But there’s no point in buying new sandals now, so we wear them no matter what they look like because it’s too hot to care. In July I bought cutsie thong sandals with big daisies and big sparkling stones in the center. One of my sparkly stones fell off, I glued it back on, but the heat took it off again, and half my pedals are missing, but enough about my mental health...
August Parenting: In July we tell our teens, “I’m serious. You can’t go off island without checking with me first. It’s not about control, it’s about safety. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care.” In August we tell our teens, “Listen smartass, depart from this island one more time without telling me and I’m gonna depart ya teeth from ya head!”
The Four Basic Food Groups of August: Ice Cream, Ice Tea, Barbecue, Ice Cream.
August Reading: It’s too hot to read.
August Housekeeping: Unless someone contracts tuberculosis or typhoid, the house is clean enough till September.
August Make-up: Someone needs to invent a make-up for August that will not melt off your face. Until then, it is acceptable to wear the largest wraparound sunglasses you can find, indoors and out, and lipstick.
The Dog Days of August: Clean up after your dog. Neighbors can handle your dog pooping in their yard in Winter, Spring, and Autumn, but not Summer and absolutely not August. August is hot and steamy enough without stepping in anything similar. If you fail to scoop the poop and someone beats you into a coma, you deserve it. And they won’t be punished because they’ll use the August Defense: “Because Your Honor, it was 94 degrees and the humidity was 94 percent.....”
August clothes: A cotton gauze tent is the only intelligent attire for August, but in lieu of that, you may wear as little as possible as long as you are clothing/age/weight proportionate. Please remember that somethings don’t mix, for instance; stretch marks and a belly ring, saggy boobs and a tube top, viagra and a speedo.
Tribal Markings of August: It’s nice in August to see what new lawn chair patterns appear on the back of everyone’s legs. Makes for a nice conversation starter; “Oh, I see you’re wearing the Martha Stewart lawn collection, very nice.” For those of us with cellulite, it presses nicely into almost any pattern. I’ve been enjoying a lovely, deep relief, Waverly toile pattern all summer.
August Marriage: I believe marriages improve greatly in August. It’s just too hot to fight, too hot to pack and move out, too hot file for divorce. I know spousal homicides increase in August, but that’s not the same as divorce. Overall, you leave your spouse alone, unless they're acting like and idiot and it’s 94 degrees and the humidity is 94 percent.....
O so true...here in the Deep Coastal South, we venture out only after midnight, and we ONLY go places that serve iced tea. Since school starts early here (Aug.3), I am relieved from having to tell my kids where to go and what to do.
ReplyDeleteNice blog! come pay me a visit sometime.
Holy smokes!!! I've been trying all day to find little know sources of "real" people online with thoughts and ideas about ice fishing tip. I stumbled on to your porst about this post and although it's not exactly what I was looking for, it certainly caught my attention. I'm personally building a resource for ice fishing tip and hope you might stop by and check it out when you have a chance...let me know your thoughts. I'll be sure to send people this way as well. Thanks Sally Flynn...Cheers!
ReplyDelete