Lock, Cock and Barrel...

I just want everyone to know that I tried desperately to completely ignore this story for fear of breaching good taste. But Jay Leno has brought it up four nights in a row and my resolve is gone....When I worked as a psych nurse, I roomed with a surgery nurse and an Emergency Room nurse. The ER stories were always the best.

"Portsmouth Herald News By Adam Dolge
BRENTWOOD, NH ...On Saturday, July 30, at about 3:40 a.m., Brentwood police assisted ambulance and rescue personnel with a 39-year-old man with a padlock on his testicles. According to police, the man, who police are not identifying, was intoxicated when they arrived on scene. The man reported that the padlock had been on his testicles for two weeks. ... the man reported that a friend put the lock on his testicles. He was allegedly severely intoxicated and passed out. He told police that when he woke up the padlock was placed around top his scrotum and his friend was gone....The man reported to police that he allegedly attempted to remove the padlock with a hacksaw after the key broke off inside the lock. He was taken to Exeter Hospital, where a locksmith was called to remove the lock.”

And whose job was it to call the locksmith?

“Hi, is this Exeter Locksmith? This is Judy Smith, I’m a nurse at Exeter Hospital. You guys are available 24 hours a day right?

No, we have keys for all our locks. The cleaning staff have masters, it’s not for the hospital itself. We have a patient who has a problem. He has a padlock... around his, um, his testicles.

No! This isn’t a crank call, I’m serious. I’m a nurse in the ER. I was elected to call and see if you could come as soon as possible.

I don’t know how he did it....... Was he drunk? Yeah, I’d say that was a safe bet...

No, he’s not a teen, he’s 39. Yeah, a 39 year old man. He says his friend did it while he was passed out.

Hey, I don’t know why, okay? I don’t know what kinda friend it is, or was. ........ You're right, maybe it’s a sex thing. Could you just come over here? Yes, that’s him screamin’ in the background. He’s pretty swollen, he’s experiencing some pain and discomfort....

No, he’s being seen by a female doc. Our male doc ran out of the room. He’s in the office with me right now, laughing and crying in the corner with his hands between his legs....completely useless.

When? It happened two weeks ago....I AM serious.....yeah two weeks, please stop laughing, you’ll make me laugh and I’ll get in trouble...... Yeah, about the size of a grapefruit.....now don’t YOU cry!

He’s got the key! He broke it off in the lock.....well, I don’t know how...... maybe he was drunk when he tried to unlock it and used too much pressure. I think it’s a moot point. We need to get this off of him and get the swelling down so we can stitch him up....

No, the lock didn’t cut him, the hacksaw did....... The hacksaw he tried to use when the key snapped off. Oh please sir, you gotta stop laughin’ and help me.

Well, maybe he should’ve asked the friend who did it in the first place, but the question, “Could you come over with a hacksaw and work on my testicles?” was probably a little awkward to slide into everyday conversation.

Yeah, we have little cranial saws, but they can’t saw through steel...... Nope, there’s no way to get a lock popper through the loop. We’re really stuck.

Bill it anyway you want to. If his insurance doesn’t pay you, we’ll take up a collection........sure, if you wanna keep the lock, keep it. Ah c’mon, who’d buy that on ebay?

No, that’s not the patient, that’s the doc throwing up in the waste basket. He didn’t know the part about the hacksaw....”