Timing, Speed and Prayer

Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned I can tell a lot about a person from how they handle these three things; a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

How true. I’ve thought of a few other situations to add to her list. I can tell a lot about a person from how they handle:

Getting lost while driving to a timed event, like a baseball game or a play. You can really tell a lot about a person by how they handle getting lost on the way to the airport. And if you really, really want to see their coping skills, stick around and watch how they handle missing their flight. And if you really, really, really want to see their worst coping skills, stick around till the police come because they punched out the person at the ticket counter.

You can tell a lot about a person from how they handle being around other people’s rotten kids. We love our own offspring, but no one else seems to discipline their children right. I was fixing a friend’s sewing machine when her five year old squirted maple syrup into my sewing basket; my threads, bobbins, scissors, notions, everything.... If there hadn’t been witnesses present, that kid would have been launched out of that second story window like a surface to air missile .

When you run out of toilet paper at a family or friend’s house, you can call for help. You have to suffer through a short series of tired jokes, but you’ll get the roll pitched at you through the door after a minute. Ever have it happen in a strange place, like a job interview at someone’s home office?

If you live on Shelter Island, you’ve faced this situation many times: you’re in the ferry line and you or a child has to use the bathroom. You try to wait till your car is close enough to the restroom that you can make the run there and back before the boat gets back. Timing, speed and prayer and the three things needed to pull this off. If you don’t make it back in time and as cars go around yours, you get annoyed looks from tourists, but never from locals who just just smile and wave, unless it’s a friend - they point and laugh.

Every woman can relate to this: You’re all set to go, dressed to the nines, he’s waiting impatiently in the living room. You just need to check your hair, do a final spray, and put on your earrings. And one earring, of the two perfect earrings for this outfit, has apparently disappeared into the parallel universe of the lost socks....if you go berserk, he’ll get angry and say incredibly stupid things like, “What is the problem? Just put on another pair of earrings!” Like any old pair of earrings could replace the ones you searched for to perfectly compliment your eyes and the outfit at the same time!

One of the biggest shocks in my adult life was realizing that men don’t give a rat’s behind about the earrings we so carefully chose to attract them. They don’t care about necklaces, pins, bracelets or anything except whether or not the woman is wearing a wedding ring. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on jewelry? Neither do I.

Many Islanders like to watch how tourists handle having their car alarms go off on the ferry when someone else’s bumper touches theirs. It’s sort of a learning experience for the newbies. They get the idea that it isn’t really necessary to lock their cars on the ferry while they walk six feet TO THE RAILING!

Another fun coping situation for Islanders is how you handle being on the ferry and realizing you forgot your ticket and now you have to pay full fare...my mother taught me to beg for mercy and offer to bring them fast food. Shelter Island is one of the few places in America where McDonalds can be traded like coin of the realm.

One of the toughest things to handle is a beach or boat outing canceled due to weather. There’s wailing and whining, laying on the floor kicking feet, punching the couch, refusing any kind of compensatory activity - like going to the movies, cursing the weather and just hours of fruitless temper tantruming. And the kids act even worse than the adults...

I’d like to close with another quote, from my daughter when she was in fourth grade. When asked to finish this sentence, ‘Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and.....’ She wrote, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and somebody yells, “SHUT UP!” “