MERRY CHRISTMAS!

N.A.H., America’s Party of Poopers

Denver recently renamed it’s annual Christmas Parade the “Winter Holiday Parade”. All symbols of Chanukah and Kwanzaa are allowed, I’m not sure if they decided to allow Santa, but no Nativity symbols are allowed and no “religious holiday songs” are allowed either so that cuts down the selection to Frosty the Snowman and a few others. Booooorriiiinnng......

According to Newsweek, roughly 92% of America is Christian, 4% is Muslim and 3% are Jewish and 1% are atheist. I’ve never met anyone of any faith who objected to other people celebrating their faith. People of faith celebrate faith itself. Last time I checked, attending a Christmas or Hanukah party doesn’t mean you adhere to that faith, it means you are sharing the joy of other’s holiday’s. Chanukah celebrates the rededication of the Temple after history’s first recorded war fought for religious freedom. Chanukah, which took place 163 years before Christmas, made Christmas possible. Without that victory, is it possible the Jewish diaspora would have started in 163 B.C instead of 63 A.D. Joseph never would have met Mary and the rest wouldn’t be history.

Besides, a Chanukah party is tremendous fun, as is a Christmas party and Kwanzaa is coming up fast as a great holiday that celebrates family and community and also fills in the gap nicely between Christmas and New Years. Denver, in it’s attempt to offend no one, offends everyone by pretending that Christmas doesn’t have a religious component. I think it’s safe to say that both Christmas and Chanukah have religious components (duh!) and thank G-d they do!

If everyone in America has to stifle their celebrations to avoid offending the atheists, let's give them their own holiday. Let March 11th be National Atheist Holiday, NAH, for short. Why March 11th? Because I checked the calendar and not a damn thing is going on anywhere in America on March 11th. The atheists can get together and not sing, not drink and not put up any decorations. They can not cook any special foods, not give any gifts and not get any time off from work. They can put up images of Jean Paul Satre in their windows and not be nice to any one for no apparent reason. If that doesn’t work I say we tie them to giant candy canes and shoot their asses to the North Pole. I am sick of them being the national party poopers!!!

One lousy atheist objected to prayer in schools and we changed our national policy. Now they’re coming after Christmas.... I say we head them off at the pass and drown them in eggnog. Okay, maybe drowning people doesn’t quite fit into the Christmas theme...how about Ebenezer Scrooge’s suggestion... we boil them in their own Christmas pudding and bury them with a stake of holly through their hearts! Still a little too strident? Alright... how about we make them spend the night after Christmas in Santa’s barn with all the reindeer who have been eating cabbage all night? The gas will make them beg for mercy.

Could you imagine being a kid with atheist parents at this time of year? Not even a shot at a present....
“That’s right Johnny, we believe in NAH. We are the official Party Poopers of America, designated to make sure no one is having more fun than us. There’s no G-d, no Santa, no Easter Bunny, none of that nonsense. You’re here until your dead and that it. So get that Toys R Us flyer with the circled toys off of my bed, you get nothing. You can’t stay up late because there’s nothing to watch for, I took us off Santa’s mailing list. Why are you crying?”

Wait a minute... wait a minute... atheist parents don’t have to go broke at Christmas buying presents... they don’t have to make an effort to be nice to relatives they’re not fond of... they don’t have to cook any big holiday meals.... they don’t have to do all that expensive drinking... they don’t have to find last years Christmas decorations...they don’t have to find the right tree.... they don’t have to argue about where to spend Christmas Day....they don’t have to return gifts...they don’t have to keep gifts they hate and use them so as not to offend the giver....they don’t have to vacuum pine needles out of their carpets till May....maybe I spoke too soon... there’s a lot of advantages to this atheist stuff....

Nah, just say nah to NAH. The fun of the holidays far outweighs the aggravation, and if it doesn’t, add rum in the eggnog till it does! As for me, I will sit by the window and look into the night as I do every year until I hear, “MERRY CHRISTMAS to all and to all a good night....”