My Christmas Wish List

Is It Too Much To Ask?

I’m one of those people who never sleeps through the night. At around 3:30 am, without fail, I get up and prowl. I check E-mail, read, and of course, watch TV. I have all the informercials memorized. I love gizmo’s, but it’s time they invented some things that I really want. So here is my Christmas wish list.

I want someone to invent flat LCD panels that attach to cabinet surfaces and give me a readout of all the foodstuffs in the cabinet. If there’s a hidden can of water chestnuts, I want to know about it before I get a new one. I want it equipped with a cereal and snack level monitor so I know how full all the boxes are.
I want a milk and egg alarm in the fridge. I want a blinking warning light to go on when there’s only a quart of milk or six eggs left in the fridge.
I want an electric shock to fry the hand of anyone who puts an empty or nearly empty carton back in the fridge.
I want a vacuum, any vacuum, that works as good as it’s commercials.
I want that vacuum to have these settings: Regular Dirt, Damp Dirt, Sand, Pet Hair, Christmas Pine Needles, and a special sonar beam that spreads out ahead of the vacuum and beeps an Earring Found! alarm.
I want expandable shoes for children. If my luggage has an zipper that expands the volume two inches, I want a tab I can peel away, like a plastic milk tab, that extends shoes one inch in length. That gives a parent a two paycheck lead on getting new shoes for the kid.
I want America to manufacture again. I am tired of supporting the Chinese economy. I don’t want Wall (of China) Mart to be the only place with bargain prices. I will pay a little more to know I am supporting another American worker.
I want a fragrance that will last the whole work day.
I want someone to invent an electric blanket that has pet zones on it that can be individually heated. For those of us who sleep with pets, usually not by choice, think how great it would be to hit the “Pet Zone” button on the blanket control and then the cat or dog would sleep on the warm spot and not against your legs so you can’t turn over!
I want flashing runway lights for men using the bathroom in the dark...if you live with a man, I don’t need to explain further.
I want soft bottom tubs. If they can give a pool a soft bottom why not a tub?
I want people who make glasses to invent a ‘soft focus’ coating for men’s glasses to prevent them from seeing our wrinkles clearly.
I want rolling luggage carts with seats at the airport so we can all sit and be comfortable while we wait for hours in an attempt to keep our airports secure in spite of our borders being wide open. It’s like locking the car on the ferry, absolutely pointless.
I want someone to invent a cat food that cannot vomited by any cat unless they are outside.
I want a Deer Locator display on my dashboard. No deer dies of natural causes on Shelter Island. It’s death by bow, bullet, or Buick.
I want mini vans to have a fold out changing table and drying station in the back to always have a clean place to change the baby and a way to dry off kids at that beach.
I want the grocery stores to have a separate lane for impatient people. A lane that will surreptitiously mist valium vapors at them while they wait so they don’t get irritable. We’ll call it the Regis Philbin lane. I adore his show. He puts the crank in cranky.
I want ‘reality shows’ to go away. I have enough reality. It’s all around me when I wake up and follows me around the whole day. Reality I’ve had, it’s mindless fun fantasy I need. Bring back Designing Women and Remington Steele.

It seems like the only time we’re allowed to enjoy fun fantasy shows is during the holiday season. Not fair I say! Bring on all the holiday specials and keep that light and happy spirit going! What? Is it too much to ask?