Naked Door to Door Exams

Lyme Away

Somewhere in a New England resort town where Lyme Disease flourishes...

Bob: “Joe, you read about this? Some 76 year old guy in Florida posed as a doctor, went door to door giving free breast exams. Got away with it for a while...”
Joe: “Wow! What a great idea man, we shoulda’ thought of that.”
Bob: “Yea. Hey....wait a minute... what about Deer Tick Inspector?”
Joe: “Deer ticks...lyme disease... damn, Bob, that could work.”
Bob: “I got a doctor’s coat, stethoscope, I got a clip board too.”
Joe: “How come you got a doctors coat?”
Bob: “Ah..... Betty, she likes to play doctor - patient....it's one of her sex fantasies. I just put up with it....you know, just to keep her happy....”
Joe: “Oh, she likes to play doctor - patient now? Cool.... So, ah... can I have your old pirate and slave girl costumes for Lucy and me?”
Bob: “Oh sure, Joe. Anyway, we could give it try... Deer Tick Inspector Lyme Prevention Team... I like it...”
Joe: “ It won’t work... the local girls won’t go for it.”
Bob: “Yea, too smart, too bad.”
Joe: “But the tourists are coming...”
Bob: “Tourists...yea...what do they know?”
Joe: “This could really work, Bob.”
Bob: “We only got one coat.”
Joe: “We’ll take turns.”
Bob: “What’ll we tell them?”

A tourist answers the knock at the door of her summer cottage.
Joe: “Good afternoon Ma’am. Dr. Joe Smith. There’s a severe deer tick infestation in this area. I’m here from the Lyme Disease Prevention Board to give you a free inspection.”
Lady: “How nice, come in, look around.”
Joe: “I’m not here to inspect the house ma’am. I inspect your person. Please remove your clothes.”
Lady: “What? Are you crazy?”
Joe: “Lyme disease causes premature aging ma’am.”
Lady: “It does? Well, I’m sure it’s not that bad...”
Joe: “And it causes the reversal of any plastic surgeries you may have had. Like if you had a nose job, and got Lyme’s, you’re nose would grow back into it’s original form plus a half inch.”
Lady: “Oh my gawd!!!”
Joe: "And it has a strange effect on silicone, causing it to either shrink or explode....we can't figure it out..."
Lady: "Oh jeez!"
Joe: “Take it easy ma’am, no need to tear off your clothes, I can help you get them off. I’m a trained professional.”

Overheard in the neighborhood grocery store.
Lady 1: “...and they send out Lyme tick inspectors too. Such a nice place.”
Lady 2: “Did you pass inspection?”
Lady 1: “Yes. I passed once last week and twice this week.”
Lady 2: “How often do they have to check?”
Lady 1: “Frequently I guess. This lyme thing is a big problem here.”

In a doctor’s office in that New England resort town...
Doctor to patient: “What Deer Tick Inspection doctor?”

Jail cell in that same resort town...
Joe: “Damn, Bob, that was fun...”
Bob: “Are they gonna charge us or not?”
Joe: “Only if they can find a woman willing to testify in court against us.”
Bob: “Well, none of my ‘patients’ are gonna complain. If that cop hadn’t seen you in the white coat at that lady’s door, we wouldn’t be here now for trespassing...”
Joe: “Yup, you’re right. “
Bob: “So, is that lady gonna press charges now that she knows the truth?”
Joe: “No, she likes me. I inspected her quite a few times... in depth inspections.... I dont' think she'll press charges, but let’s just say, I’m definitely gonna need those pirate and slave girls outfits...”