So, we lost the 2016 Olympic bid to Brazil, to Rio de Janeiro, the ultimate party town. All they know how to do is parades, very decorative, elaborate, parades. The official opening parade where all the athletes march into the stadium will take forever. We'll have all the teams wearing sequined team outfits with giant feather headdresses to match. Having the Olympics come to their town gives them justification for another five parades next year alone. They'll have to improve all the roads, build a stadium, hire top notch party planners from all over the world to prepare for the international parties. No point in hiring extra security, can't hide much in g-string. Body waxers will open up shops everywhere. You'll go out for a cup of coffee, stumble into Juan's Brazilian Coffee and Wax Works, and come back to the hotel hairless and wired on high octane coffee. I can just see the athletes doing the broad jump in thongs and with the Olympic rings symbol in sequins glued on their chests.

I don't understand why the Olympic Committee didn't choose Chicago. It has all the charm and excitement of New York, but with double the crime. Oprah lives there. You'd think the Committee would have taken that into consideration. She would have done countless shows on Olympians preparing for the big event from all over the world. The Olympic Committee can't buy the publicity that Oprah could give them, but, their loss. I'm not holding a grudge.

Of course, the East End could have bid and gotten the Olympics if we really wanted them. The course for Potato Hampton could have made a perfect course for any of the long distance running events, plus, running through towns, people would have run along side them and given them Evian water or Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Coolata's which is the heroin of iced coffees. Every one here is way too cool to be caught in public in a Brazilian Feathered outfit made of two ounces of lycra and three hundred dyed feathers. Everyone on the East End has beach chairs, we could line any highway and cheer the athletes on, in suitable dignified clothing. They could temporarily rename the Montauk Highway, the LLBeanWay. We have hundreds of beautiful estates to host teams from foreign lands. They have parties at these estate anyway, so why not party in service to your country. Initially you might think that the owners of these big estates might object to hosting teams. But you forget, hosting an Olympic team provides justification for redecorating the whole house, and that would employ thousands. Brazilians look for any reason to party, but Hamptonites look for reasons to redecorate. Parties only last a day or week at most, whereas redecoration lasts for months.

Since Shelter Island has a bonafide Olympian, Amanda Clark, we might be willing to rent her out to the East End Olympic Extortion and Facilitation Committee as the Master of Ceremonies. We'd be reasonable really. Since we have no fast food restaurants here, we would accept tributes of fast food from anyone who uses the ferries. Bic Macs, KFC Family Buckets, Taco Bell, any Chinese food, anything like that would be suitable. Just pay your ticket and hand over the bag and no one will get hurt.

Plus we have Tim Gunn here and we might be induced to let him redesign the East End for an East End Olympics, for the right price of course. He'll have to have carte blanche from all the stores and no limit to his budget. All Shelter Island will ask is that no one let any of the Olympic visitors know that Shelter Island exists and that no one else moves here for a moratorium of ten years. I think for that arrangement, we could "make it work".

For music, I think we can coerce Montauk into giving over Paul Simon. As far as living on the East End, there none Easter than Montaukers. Paul has pretty good experience, his resume isn't too bad. There's a few performers here and there, like Billy Joel, he can recruit.

And of course, we have the newly officially recognized tribe of the Shinnecocks. Let's give them their permits and get that casino in place! We'll give those Olympic tourists a place to spend their money, it's only right, it's the American way. The Shinnecock Rock 'Em and Roll 'Em Olympic Lodge.... works for me.

I'm telling you, we need to get the Olympics here. I think Dan's Papers might even devote a special insert into the paper for the Olympics. If that doesn't tip the scale, then I give up.