Location, Location, Location

The Daily Telegraph,  September 16, 2009 10:11AM
A couple making love in a dumpster have been robbed of their clothes and personal possessions at knifepoint during an embarrassing hold-up.
The pair, aged in their forties, had crawled inside the dumpster so they could be alone.  But while they were engaged in what Wichita police described as "an intimate moment," they were robbed by a man armed with a pocket knife.  It all unfolded shortly after 6 pm Saturday in Kansas, police said, when the man and woman, both 44, crawled into a dumpster for privacy.  A short time later, a 59-year-old man and his 64-year-old companion interrupted the couple inside the dumpster.  With the older man encouraging him, the 59-year-old man pulled out a pocket knife and took shoes, jewelry and the 44-year-old man's wallet.

Every have one of those days when just everything seems to go wrong?
Billy Crystal said, "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place."  I never fully realized the truth of this statement until I read this story. Now, I have been talked into having sex in some odd places in my lifetime, as has every woman.  We've all been attacked in cars, we all get attacked while doing dishes in the kitchen, and if the sands surrounded Shelter Island could talk, we'd all be in a lot of trouble. But never, never, never, have I heard of a woman in any state of inebriation, but still conscious, consenting to sex in a dumpster.  We all have genetic coding, attached to the 'x' chromosome that prevents us from doing certain sexcapades.  I'm not sure where consenting to sex in a dumpster falls, but my guess is it's pretty high on the list, right after 'I will not have sex in a portapotty' and before 'I will not have sex in the middle of the field at the SuperBowl during halftime'.  This woman, whoever she is, needs to come to the Island for therapy.

"Now Betty, tell us what he said that made you agree to sex in a dumpster."
"He said he knew of a nice quiet place. He said he hosed the place down earlier that day, I thought he was making a joke, you know.  It was dark and I didn't really realize he was taking me to a dumpster."
"Didn't the situation smell a little suspicious to you?"
"Not at first, it was a breezy night."
"So when did you start to catch on?"
"He got down on one knee, and for a minute I thought he was going to propose to me or something. But he was just getting down to give me a leg up and help me flip over the side."
"Did he offer you any money at all Betty? For sex in a dumpster, you should have gotten $100,000 at least. I mean, if Eliot Spitzer can pay $5000 for an hour in a nice hotel, sex in a dumpster should have gotten you a down payment for a house."
"No, no money. I'm sorry. I guess I'm an embarrassment to my gender."
"I'm afraid it's true, Betty, you have set us back a hundred years. Now every man will think a rinsed out dumpster counts as a private room and they do as little as they can to get access to us anyway."
"He put down fresh cardboard - does that count for anything?'
"No Betty, it doesn't count, he could have put down a new mattress with satin sheets, it wouldn't matter, as anyone on the Island knows, location is everything.  I think you need to stay here awhile and learn to know your "No Zones" '.
"No Zones?"
"Yes, the No Zones are born into every woman, but apparently you're some kind of throw back to a stupider time.  We will have to teach you the No Zones from scratch.  For example, anything that smells of sewage or garbage is a No Zone.  Anyplace within one hundred feet of any in-law or potential in-law is a No Zone, Ferry lines are a No Zone unless you're in a limo and the driver can move the car forward. Parking lots are No Zones during business hours. Beaches are always No Zone because no matter how romantic it looks on a movie screen, sand gets everywhere and ants crawl on your head."
"Gosh, I guess I have a lot to learn.  Are there any exceptions to No Zones?"
"Of course, any No Zone can become a Yes Zone contingent on the long term benefit."
"You mean, like if he swears he'll love you forever?"
"No, Betty, that's not a long term benefit. "I love you" only lasts until they want the next thing.  A long term benefit would be a house, a car, a boat, an insurance policy, you know, a little something tangible that a girl can hold on to, for that you can endure fifteen minutes of anything."
"Okay, I'm starting to get it now. I just have to remember, location, location, location."
"You'll do fine, Betty, you'll do just fine."