The Evolution of the Beach Basket

It takes years of experience to know what you really need at the beach. Remembering back to my youth without scaring myself to death or naming any names, I recall how my beach baskets changed with time.

1960’s: big towels, Sun-In hair bleach, baby oil for tanning, transitor radio - tuned to 77WABC because the DJ, Cousin Brucie, would time your tan and say, “Okay, for you girls on the beach, it’s been fifteen minutes, time to turn over.” We basted ourselves in baby oil and turned on an imaginary spit on our towels to achieve the perfect tan. Sunblock did not exist. If you burned, you slathered on Noxema. Yoohoo in glass bottles with a bottle opener. Bologna sandwiches on Wonderbread. The bikini was just beginning to appear, but only sluts wore them. Cool sunglasses and floppy hat with Peter Maxx design. I love going to the beach. I love the peace, the beauty, I don’t mind the sand sticking to the baby oil on my body.

1970’s: big towels, Sun-In hair bleach and Love’s Baby Soft lotion instead of baby oil. Some expensive lotion from France arrived, called Ban de Soleil, and now there were vicious rumors circulating that we should not baste ourselves with oils, nor bask in the sun, something about skin cancer. Everyone wore a two piece, so now we had to tan our middles, skin cancer or no skin cancer, we had to be evenly tanned. Noxema, Fresca’s with the pull tabs on top so you can make pull tab necklaces on the beach. Hostess cupcakes (two in a pack), Devil Dogs and Slim Jim's. Cool sunglasses and brim hat with scarf. I love the beach. I never feel better than when I’m near the water.

1980’s: blanket from home that is on its last legs and beach towels that are brightly colored, but much thinner and with a shorter life than the beach towels of yesteryear. Suddenly there’s a man in my life and somehow, once we got married, he lost all his skills at being an independent adult. Now I have to pack beer and salami & cheese sandwiches. Worse than that, children have shown up claiming that I’m their mother and they have the papers on me to prove it. My two piece bikini has been retired and I’m back in a one piece, a Jansen with a formed cup bra. I have become my mother. I am dipping my small celtic children in 50 sunblock because they will burn if they are exposed to fireworks... The beach is too much work. I can’t track two kids on the beach. I tried just grabbing any little kid that ran close to me, figuring someone would grab one of mine and we could switch in the parking lot maybe, or maybe not - but everyone seems to want their own kids and no one wants any extras. I had cool glasses until I sat on them. My hair is a sun blown wreck. The beach is no longer fun. It’s where I get to do everything I have to do at home, but with sand.

1990’s We are no longer going to the beach unless we can drive up in a Winnebago and have it catered. My children are bratty monsters. Nothing pleases them. I am weighing the pros and cons of prison time against beating them into submission. Everyone has a cell phone with them on the beach, why? Aren’t they here to get away from everything and everyone? I hate listening to all the one-sided conversations. At least with two people in the flesh you can hear the whole argument and takes sides.

2000: Back to the beach. The children grew into people with brains and are considerate of others. I have no idea how this happened. I now spread an old comforter down and sit in a folding chair. I have a book in my beach basket, a book I can read without interruption. I have some kind of guilt free healthy drink and I am wearing sunblock, which sort of defeats to purpose of being in the sun, but I’m just choosing to live with the contradiction. I am in a one piece bathing suit that looks drapey on the outside but has an inner lattice work of struts and straps that rival the Eiffel Tower for uplifting engineering. I still refuse to buy a cell phone. Unless I’m on the list to receive a donated organ, I’m not granting the world access to me at the beach. I have genuine imitation Chanel sunglasses because at dusk, when the sun is directly in a passerby’s eyes, and if the passerby has had a few drinks, I might pass for Jackie O from the sunglasses up.

The Cat Days of July

The Dog Days of August aren’t even here and the thermometer is already getting too close to that dreaded third digit....the unthinkable concept of 100 degree heat with 98% humidity, so I have decided that all days over 95 degrees in July shall be known as the Cat Days of July. The Cat Days of July will not only be as bad as the Dog Days of August, but worse because there’ll be no cooling September to look forward to, no hint of promise of October weather to come. Just days of sweltering heat that cause the core body temperature to rise and the brain stem to heat up and fill the brain with thoughts that under any other circumstances would be rejected by your normal logical self, but in the Cat Days of July and the Dog Days of August, almost anything can make perfect sense.

“Honey, I was thinking, if we skip the new roof, we can get a boat this summer and get out in the bay breezes and not be locked in the house running the air conditioner all day. What do you think, Betty?”
“A new boat. You’ve been wanting a new boat. I know I’ve been saying no, but it’s too hot to remember why I said no. Are you sure it was just because I wanted a new roof since the ceiling plaster in the kitchen has more rings than a redwood tree?”
“Yeah, I think so. It’s too hot to remember all your objections, after a while your arguments against me just sort of blur together into one big homicidal rage.”
“I’m too hot to recall all the reasons I should kill or divorce you either. Tell me more about the boat, will it have a cabin? I want a cabin that sleeps two so we can anchor out at night and not get eaten up by mosquitoes. I don’t want one that sleeps four or the kids will try to come with us.”
“Cabin? We can have a cabin if we crack into the kid’s college funds. They don’t really need them. We worked our way through school, it would be good for their character if they had to work like we did.”
“Yes, it would, wouldn’t it, Joe? I’m sick of them hammering at me constantly to take them off Island because they’re bored every day want to do something like shop at the mall or go to a movie. Yeah, let them work through college and buy their own cars to get off Island. Why should we waste a ferry ticket on seeing Avatar for the third time? We like living on Island exactly because there’s no, ah, no...”
“Nothing to do, no nothing to create traffic, no entertainment, no big stores, no drive thru anything. It’s still like it always was. Except that we can have boat and escape all the things that aren’t here to do.”
“That make’s perfect sense, Joe. Let’s go to the bank now. I’ll keep the car running with the A/C on and drop you off at the door. Signal from the window when you’re ready for pickup and I’ll pull up to the step and get you.”
“We can get a boat, really?”
“Yes, but let’s hurry before I remember why I said no. I don’t want to say no about anything ever again, it’s too hot to fight.”
“I’m calling Jack now. He’ll give me a good price on his cruiser and we can be on the water, under a canopy by noon. I love you, Betty.”
“I don’t have the energy to pack lunch, we’ll grab what we need at the store.”
“Anything you say, honey.”
“Let’s go, Joe, it’s 9 AM and 82 degrees already, and there’s a sauna in my pants.”

Keeping Your Cool

How did we survive without air conditioning? We didn’t have air conditioning anywhere I can recall when I was a kid except at the movies and high end stores. Not even the library. None of the schools had air conditioning. I remember the teachers opening the tops of huge windows with a long rod that would tilt the big upper windows inward, then opening the bottom windows as high as they’d go. We might be allowed to have a fan in the room on the really bad days, other than that we just sweltered as we studied, we didn’t have the energy to organize a rebellion. It was too hot to do anything, even to think. Looking back now, as bad as I remember it for us kids, it had to be worse on the adults.

I believe there is a direct inverse ratio to a persons age and their ability to endure the heat. The younger you are, the more you can endure. The older you are, the closer you move your lazy-boy to the air conditioner. To be cool is to be calm. To be cool is to not lose your temper because someone is running the water in the kitchen just a few seconds longer than you do while performing the same task.
“How long are you going to run that water, Louise? How much does it take to boil corn?”
“I have to clean the pot first, Dad. We steamed clams in it yesterday and it has all those little clams bits stuck to the sides.”
”Well, hurry up! We don’t need to be running up the water bill, the electric is going to be bad enough this month. Speaking of which, did you get the mail today?”
“No. Mom picked it up when she went to the store.”
“Well tell her to bring it to me. Tell her I know the water and LIPA-suction bill came and tell her there’s no sense in hiding them from me.”
“Okay, Dad, just let me get this water on the stove. I have to go outside and shuck the corn. When I see Mom, I’ll tell her you want her.”
“I don’t want her, I just want the mail.”
‘You want a cold beer, Dad?”
“At ten in the morning?”
“It’s supposed to go to 97 degrees today. Mom bought you some Guinness Lite.”
“She knows I drink Bud and she bought me Guinness? Was she in a fender bender?”
“No, everything is fine. She just thought, on such a hot day, you’d like the good stuff.”
“Did she buy the beer before or after she picked up the mail? And look at me when you answer.”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“Liar. Where’s your mother?”
“Geez, you can already feel the heat coming on. I’ll get you a brew. Mom got you some shrimp too, it’s on ice in a tupperware bowl, but I think it’s chilled enough to eat now. Why not live it up a little and have a shrimp brunch?”
“She bought shrimp too? How big is the water and electric bill, Louise?”
“Daddy, please don’t put me in the middle. I won’t be able to find Mom until you’ve had your second beer.”
“I won’t yell at you or your mother or your sisters and your ....your ....hairdryers, hair straighteners, hair curling irons, phone chargers, stereos, computers, television sets, video games boxes, Tivo’s, Schmebos, or any other completely unessential electronic that runs up the bill. I won’t even start on the length of time it seems to take one of you to shower or brush your teeth, or how many times a day I hear the washing machine go on.”
“Daddy, your face is bright red. Do you want a beer or a Xanex? I’m not getting Mom until we have you sedated, I mean, until you are in a more relaxed state. It’s just money, it’s not worth having a heart attack over.”
“What was that clunk? Oh geez, Louise! My air conditioner went out!”
”Oh Gawd! Mom! Sharon! Paula! Get in here NOW! Dad’s air conditioner just died! Don’t worry Dad, we’ll get you in Paula’s car, she has the coldest A/C and we’ll pack frozen peas around your neck. Paula will get you over to the library. Sharon and I will run off Island and get you a new A/C. You don’t worry about a thing.”
“My air conditioner.....I can’t breathe...”
“The new high end air conditioners have remote controls, Daddy, just think about that.”
“A remote for my A/C? You’d get that for your old Dad?”
“Yes, Dad. Just hold that happy thought. See yourself in your chair with a TV, DVD and a new remote for your A/C in just a few hours from now. Three remote controls, all for you.”
“Can I have my beer now? I can get one down on the way to the library.”
“Yes, Daddy, we’ll start your medication in the car.”

And that is why American’s say, “Whatever happens, don’t lose your cool.”

Shelter Island Barbecue Season

A Man For All Seasons

Shelter Island has four seasons; Christmas and/ or Holiday of your choice, Spring Planting; Barbecue; and Deer Hunting. The Fourth of July marks the beginning of barbecue season. I believe that barbecue season has been around the longest because there’s something about raw meat and fire that goes back to the first man and certainly the first inhabitants of Shelter Island.

Year 1762, an nice sunny summer’s day
“Running Deer wants us to come over for barbecue tonight. He says bring that fat possum you caught and he wants me to make corn pudding.”
“Why should I bring my possum? He never has any meat except shellfish and that’s only because they can’t run. I don’t know why they call him Running Deer, all he manages to do is run them off. He should’ve been named Spooking Deer or just Clam Digger.”
“Be nice, he’s your brother. You know he was never fast, Rips Off Antlers, the Chief just gave him the name Running Deer to make him feel better.”
“Yeah, I know, part of the No Brave Left Behind Program...”
“I’ll pack and carry the baby, can you carry the food? It’s midmorning, we’d better get started if we want to get before dusk.”
“And that’s another thing - why does he have to live all the way across the Island?”
“He likes his privacy, besides if he lives too close, he aggravates you when he borrows your stuff.”
“Yeah, like my best bow. Oh man, you know how long it took me to make that bow? It was a beauty, a work of art. I let him use it once and that son of a .....”
“Honey, please, I didn’t mean to get you started on the bow. Just get the possum and let’s go.”

Year 2010, a nice sunny summer’s day
“Bill, Joe and Susan want us to come over for barbecue. He wants you to stop and get franks, the kosher kind, and pork chops. I made German potato salad with chopped eggs and bacon.”
“I don’t like it with eggs. Can’t you just make regular potato salad?” And how come I always have to get the pork chops?”
“He got all the barbecue stuff. As far as the salad, everyone else likes it with eggs.”
“Okay, so can you make me one without eggs?”
“Can we stop at IGA on the way and buy it?”
“I don’t want the store potato salad, I want yours, it tastes better homemade.”
“Ah, c’mon Bill, that’ll take another hour to make!”
“You said you cooked all the time for your first husband. If you could cook extra for that moron, you can cook for me.”
“Yeah but I traded up when I married you. I got him from the No Bachelor Left Behind Program and he was the last one because he was such an OCD pain in the neck. And you’re not like that. You’re wonderful, you never make me go through unnecessary effort just to please you. You are always willing compromise and go with the flow. That’s what I love about you......are you buying all this so far?”
“Yes if we can have sex tonight.”
“All right, sex is on the menu as long as you stop at three beers which is your Cain limit.”
“My Cain limit?”
“Yes, every man has a drinking limit when he’s sure he Cain, but he just ain’t Abel.”

Fourth of July 2010

Oh beautiful for spacious skies...

How did we get conned into arriving at airports two hours early to volunteer for body searches and have all our possessions rifled through? Benjamin Franklin said, "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

For amber waves of grain...

We found out what’s killing the bees; genetically engineered plants have pesticides in their DNA and it’s killing the bees when they eat the pollen. So, what’s it doing to us? Plus, I’m a little concerned that Albert Einstein said the planet can only survive four years without bees.

For purple mountains majesty...

Unless of course unless they have an profitable ore, then they're coming gown.

Above the fruited plains...

But who needs bees when we can clone fruit?

America, America, God shed his grace on thee...

And yet, we let one atheist, who doesn’t even have kids, get rid our prayer in schools. I recall having moments of silence in school to pray because of a national loss or local tragedy and a pastor was always present to help with a dedication or celebration. And I still think Christmas vacation was a lot more fun than Winter Break, so there...

And crown thy good with brotherhood...

Not even the government, regardless of which party is in charge, has yet wrangled this from us. I love how quickly Americans close ranks when facing a threat. 9/11 being the last example. New York City was crime free for 11 days after the tragedy. Nine million people, not a rape, not a murder, nothing...

From sea to shining sea...

In the case of Shelter Island, this is a fairly short distance. However, if the island is a microcosm of America, and I believe it is, there is hope yet. As much as we all complain locally and nationally about the government, if anyone challenges our patriotism, they’d better be prepared to have their heads knocked off! A Nazi colonel once told his troops that he didn’t understand how the American soldiers, who were the worst trained and undisciplined men that ever wore a uniform, could, when cornered, be the most deadly of fighters.

A congressional aide told me, one hand written letter counts as 1500 people’s opinions to a member of congress, an email counts as 500 opinions and most legislators won’t pay attention to an issue unless they get three letters or ten e-mails. I find that fascinating. Gives me hope and motivation to get involved. Abraham Lincoln said it best: “The American people will get as good a government as they are willing to work for and as bad a government as they are willing to stand for.”

Have a happy and healthy Fourth of July. Today the Island will all be thinking again of our G.I. Joe, recently called home from the field of battle. No soldier dies in vain if the ones he loves remain free.