Shelter Island Barbecue Season

A Man For All Seasons

Shelter Island has four seasons; Christmas and/ or Holiday of your choice, Spring Planting; Barbecue; and Deer Hunting. The Fourth of July marks the beginning of barbecue season. I believe that barbecue season has been around the longest because there’s something about raw meat and fire that goes back to the first man and certainly the first inhabitants of Shelter Island.

Year 1762, an nice sunny summer’s day
“Running Deer wants us to come over for barbecue tonight. He says bring that fat possum you caught and he wants me to make corn pudding.”
“Why should I bring my possum? He never has any meat except shellfish and that’s only because they can’t run. I don’t know why they call him Running Deer, all he manages to do is run them off. He should’ve been named Spooking Deer or just Clam Digger.”
“Be nice, he’s your brother. You know he was never fast, Rips Off Antlers, the Chief just gave him the name Running Deer to make him feel better.”
“Yeah, I know, part of the No Brave Left Behind Program...”
“I’ll pack and carry the baby, can you carry the food? It’s midmorning, we’d better get started if we want to get before dusk.”
“And that’s another thing - why does he have to live all the way across the Island?”
“He likes his privacy, besides if he lives too close, he aggravates you when he borrows your stuff.”
“Yeah, like my best bow. Oh man, you know how long it took me to make that bow? It was a beauty, a work of art. I let him use it once and that son of a .....”
“Honey, please, I didn’t mean to get you started on the bow. Just get the possum and let’s go.”

Year 2010, a nice sunny summer’s day
“Bill, Joe and Susan want us to come over for barbecue. He wants you to stop and get franks, the kosher kind, and pork chops. I made German potato salad with chopped eggs and bacon.”
“I don’t like it with eggs. Can’t you just make regular potato salad?” And how come I always have to get the pork chops?”
“He got all the barbecue stuff. As far as the salad, everyone else likes it with eggs.”
“Okay, so can you make me one without eggs?”
“Can we stop at IGA on the way and buy it?”
“I don’t want the store potato salad, I want yours, it tastes better homemade.”
“Ah, c’mon Bill, that’ll take another hour to make!”
“You said you cooked all the time for your first husband. If you could cook extra for that moron, you can cook for me.”
“Yeah but I traded up when I married you. I got him from the No Bachelor Left Behind Program and he was the last one because he was such an OCD pain in the neck. And you’re not like that. You’re wonderful, you never make me go through unnecessary effort just to please you. You are always willing compromise and go with the flow. That’s what I love about you......are you buying all this so far?”
“Yes if we can have sex tonight.”
“All right, sex is on the menu as long as you stop at three beers which is your Cain limit.”
“My Cain limit?”
“Yes, every man has a drinking limit when he’s sure he Cain, but he just ain’t Abel.”

BBQ Grill : Cave Men vs. Modern Man

I get such a kick listening to men discuss and debate how to barbecue - charcoal, propane or wood, controlling hot spots, "seasoning" the grill, the best barbecue tools to use, how women just never get grilling right. Listening to the secret barbecue sauce recipes alone is hysterical. "And I add a pinch of gun powder, gives a real smokin' chokin' flavor and just a pinch won't hurt nobody."

Scientists now agree that our ancient ancestors probably had the same level of intelligence and problem solving ability that we have now, they just didn't have the same technology. I don't think there's much difference between the early man on Shelter Island and the modern Shelter Island man today.

Mugette: "Bumba, are we still going to Umba's for dinner?"

Bumba: "Yup, Jumba. Umba's got a new stone pit we have to break in."

Mugette: "Well, whatever you're hunting today, try to kill something casual for me to wear, I can't wear this doeskin again."

Bumba: "What's wrong with it? I just killed that for you last moon."

Mugette: "Right, last moon, and I've worn it to at least seven group dinners, I can only accessorize a skin so many times honey, then I just need something new."

Bumba: "Fine, I'll see what runs by."

Mugette: "And stop by the beach and pick me up a bag of scallop shells, try to match the pattern's a little better this time."

Bumba: "Your brother brought you two bags of clam shells already, what's wrong with them?"

Mugette: "Please, he only gave them to me because his mate rejected them. Nobody wears clam now. And she only wears conchs, be happy that I am not asking for conchs."

Later that night around the new stone pit at the Umba place:

Jumba: "I been marinating this baby boar in dill and brine for three days, this meat's gonna fall off the bone."

Bumba: "Only three days? I always do a dry rub of rosemary and corn pollen on my pig or deer, and then I wrap it in seaweed, then long grass and sink it in the brine for five days. Best marinade ever."

Logbog: "Only five days? I stuff mine with onion grass and dill, rub honey all over the meat, then a seaweed wrap, tie it in a bag and bury it for seven days. I stopped using brine marinade, the sodium in the meat is off the chart, man. A Cro-Magnon reaches our age, he's gotta take care of himself. Any time you get over 30 seasons is a gift, you know. You get older and slower, takes longer to recover from being gored, the aches and pains get worse and we have to wait another 30 or 40,000 years before the Egyptians show up and invent beer. Meanwhile, all we got for pain relief is nutmeg and the priests have locked that up for religious ceremonies. It's hard out here for a caveman."

Mugette: "Is that meat ready you guys? We got hungry kids here!"

Bumba: "It's coming. You can't rush this, Mugette."

Mugette: "Fine, Loofa and I are taking a few skins and the kids down to Foofi's and getting some McSquirrelettes."

Bumba: "You're not spending my skins at Foofi's, this meat will be ready soon enough."

Muggette: "Okay, you come in this car and entertain six hungry kids."

I'm tellin' ya, Island men haven't changed in thousands of years.