For the person who has everything - heated, scented toilet paper spindle.
Toilet paper, and the need for it to be perfect for it’s purpose, has become an advertising gold standard as far as I am concerned. There are still people living today who used outhouses as kids and used pages from the Sears catalogs and other advertising papers as toilet paper. And that still sounds like a perfect use for junk mail today. We all hear about the brilliant moments when inventors like Edison, came up with the light bulb, but we seldom hear about the lesser flashes of genius, such as must have occurred in an outhouse one day. Some future inventor was sitting in the outhouse, finishing the paper work, when, FLASH! He had a break through moment. What if people would buy special paper for this purpose? Clean paper just to dirty up and through away? Could it be sold to the American public as viable? As necessary? Could it be sold at all? Did he see it all then? Soon the clean paper would be rolled, and then come in pastel colors to match new indoor bathrooms, then clean, rolled, pastelled and scented, then clean, rolled, pastelled, scented and cushiony soft...how far could this simple idea go? I say, heated. Clean, rolled, pastelled, scented, cushiony soft, and now prewarmed curtesy of hot air passing through the spindle. I believe if the American buttock is intelligent enough to discern clean, soft paper, pastelled, rolled and ready, it can probably detect minute differences in temperatures, and with further scientific study, can probably predict fluctuations in the Dow Jones and be taught to sing an aria as well.
On the Island, Ferry Tickets are gold, one, two, or a whole pack, is as welcome a gift as new socks or a bottle of fine wine. And if you don’t have tickets, a promise to pick you up for an off-island trip is just a valuable. When I didn't have anything else to give as a teen, I made up babysitting coupons and gave them as gifts. I tried to give them to young, married couples who didn’t have any kids yet. It made them say, “oooohhhhh....that’s so sweet” , I got full credit for giving a gift, but didn’t have to deliver. I didn’t have to babysit any rotten kids telling me, “The dog always helps wash the dishes,” or, “We’re allowed to call our uncle in Autrailia anytime we like after six o’clock,” or the best one I was told, “My mother always lets me wear her good jewelry to go outside and play.” Even I knew her mother’s jewelry wasn’t “good”, the pearls were fake, she just wanted everyone to think they were real, so she kept them in a black velvet bag in their own box. Which, by the way, has worked very well for me too. “Sally, you have a 24 inch strand of south sea pearls? Can I take them out for a minute? I’ll put them right back in the little bag, I promise.”
Library Book Sneak Backs. A little used, but great gift is a promise to sneak someone’s overdue library books back into the Library for them so they don’t get embarassed.
Somebody needs to invent a hot chocolate maker that can plug into the car charger. We all take coffee or hot chocolate to the ferry lines with us, but sometimes it just doesn’t last and we really need the ability to make a fresh cup right there. My mother always bought two cups of hot chocolate when she took the North Ferry on her way to work night shift at ELIH. One for her, and mercifully, one for the deck hand working that night. There’s a saying, If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody gonna be happy.” I would extend that on Shelter Island to include, “If the ferrymen are’nt happy, ain’t nobody gonnna be happy, and ain’t nobody gonna go nowhere neither.”
But the best gift of all really, is still just showing up. Just coming to see someone’s tree is a gift. I try to collect one ornament from each tree I visit, as sort of a momento of the moment. And to honor that memory, I put that ornament on my tree. I love any little nautical ornaments, especially seahorses and mermaids, although people with seahorses and mermaids don’t seem to ask me over much anymore.....they must be too busy trying to think of a way to warm up their toilet paper for the holidays.
Guest toilet paper! I forgot all about special guest toilet paper. Just like all guest items, to be viewed, but never used. Yup, I think I have now completely covered my, um, topic.
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