I thought I'd share my grandmother's delicious Rum Raisin Stuffing recipe with my readers.
Gather up these ingredients: assorted bread crumbs, parsley, sage and thyme, salt and pepper. Three eggs, two onions and two green bell peppers, one box raisins, one pint dark rum.
Open the rum, take good sip for quality assurance. Soak the raisins in straight rum for at least four hours.
While the raisins are soaking, crumble up all the uncrumbled bread bits, fluff in a tablespoon of dried parsley, teaspoon of sage and a teaspoon of thyme. Fluff around in bowl, take a pinch to taste. Add spices until crumb mixture tastes flavorful and balanced. Then add salt and pepper to taste. If you have trouble finding the flavor balance, sip a jigger of the rum to clear your palate. Let your mouth rest, then try the crumb mixture again. Wait readers - hold on - my phone is ringing.
"Hi Cathy......no, she's bringing the pies, you're supposed to bring the mashed potatoes. Yup.... listen, I gotta go, I'm doing a dressing recipes for Dan's."
Where was I.....oh yes, sip a jigger of rum.
Now let's chop something and saute the onions and bell peppers. Chop into dime sized pieces. Get your fry pan hot and toss them in. While they get going, check how the raisins are doing. Eat a teaspoon of raisins. We want to soak them in the rum until they're as fat a grapes again. Stir the um.... stir the onions and peppers. Watch for the onions to carmelize, which means turn light brown. Pardon me, the phone again.
"Hi Cath.....sure we can fit your sister in. Okay, and her husband too. What? Four kids? I don't think I have the room. I thought there was just going to be five of us, I didn't buy a huge turkey. .....I know, but that six extra people. I don't have a kids table set up.....but I don't want them to eat with us, that's why I didn't invite anyone with kids in the first place. Kids wreck a meal. You're up and down constantly and you never get to eat in peace......I'm sure you'll help, but I just saying, four kids....you and she will have to take care of them, I don't want to..... alright, goodbye."
Hello readers, well, the onions and peppers burned, so I'll start over on them. I'm pouring out a full jigger of rum and checking it for taste and texture while I chop something.....and okay here we go, carmelizing the onions and WHOAAAAAAA.....putting out the flames..... readers, don't spill any of the rum into the saute pan. However, I can say, the onions have a lovely carmel color now. And as soon as the smell of my cinged hair clears away, this will smell wonderful. And now add the sauteed onions and peckers to the bread crumb mixture, fold in slowly so you don't make a big mess. Hold on..... I'm sorry readers.....
"Hello.......Cathy, can you call me back in an hour? I'm trying to make the stuffing. I'll never get this bird in.....what? No! No lasagna instead of mashed potatoes, this is a Thanksgiving dinner! I don't care if the kids won't eat mashed potatoes, get them Happy Meals on the way over......nut allergies? I don't know what has touched nuts in my kitchen or not.....I use nuts in a lot of dishes, my house is not a nut free zone! Then tell her to bring over whatever her child can eat and keep it separate from the rest of the foods for him......I'm not yelling! I want a peaceful, calm Thanksgiving dinner! I'm hanging up now. I'll see you at 4....."
I am truly sorry readers. I know you are all waiting. Just let me steady my nerves a bit. Pausing to take a zanex and let's just wash it down with a swallow of rum to to activate it a little sooner for me. I'm trying to manage my anxiety. I have this friend who is fouling up my plans. I had such a good plan...
Back to the recipe, we're almost done. Add the sauteed crap to the crumbs and stir, and now add the eggs......okay, I was a little premature on the eggs.... pick out the shells.....nut allergy, she should leave the kid at home....and to put us in a holiday mood, I'll have a few sips of rum which is getting smoother with each sip. Now, add the raisins and a whole cup of rum. And mix the mixture until, until, it looks like something that is mixed.
And now get the bird out of the fridge and throw him in the sink. Reach in the chest and pull out that bloody paper bag of turkey organs and give it to your cat. Next, flip the bird and stick you hand up it's....other side and yank out whatever the hell Butterball has jammed in that end along with that obscene turkey neck. Rinse the bird....damn.... not with soap....I was on automatic pilot there for a minute.....rinse off these suds. Well, it's a clean bird now.
Get the bowl with the stuff and stuff that mother and throw it in the oven.
Now, take the bird back out and, we should have done this earlier, find a pan. Use the biggest pan you have and sit the bird up if he doesn't fit laying down. Use wire to stabilize it into a sitting Buddha position and you can tell your guests that it's a nut free bird and all nut free birds are cooked sitting up. Of course, as the bird cooks, the stuffing will expand out of the bird's bottom and this may not be an optimal visual for the table, so have some sprigs of parsley ready to throw between it's legs before you put it on the table. Maybe put a little party hat on the top of the neck too...why the hell not? Excuse me readers, it's probably my friend phone, Cathy calling.
"WHAT?......no, no, no, nobody's making fresh guacamole in my kitchen!.....No, there's no taco chips and guacamole at Thanksgiving! .....if they're health nuts, tell them to make that green mush at home and bring it with them. I don't like people in my kitchen.....it IS a big deal....if they don't like the traditional foods, why are they bothering with Thanksgiving?...Okay... you know what, just do what you want. Tell her I have nuts all over the kitchen and everything in my kitchen has been touched by nuts.....I'm hanging up now...."
Okay readers, that's the last interruption, I promise. Put the oven on 350 and put in the bird, with or without the pan, I don't care. Drink one cup of rum. Crush any remaining zanex you have and put it into a container of milk that may be used for children later in the day. The zanex in their milk will enhance your ability to enjoy your meal.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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