Right now, across the country, people are deciding whose house to go to for Thanksgiving, or whether or not they will host the dinner, or whether or not they will just go to a restaurant.
All the grandmothers want all their children and grandchildren to come to their house and they all want the Norman Rockwell family portrait of the perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone in the picture looks happy and grateful. All the children are sitting nicely. My mother still wants this perfect Thanksgiving. But, if your family is like mine, there are family members who won't talk to other family members, and there's no way our kids would sit calmly at a table, and there's not a single bottle of wine or any of it's affiliates anywhere in the Norman Rockwell picture, I checked it twice. Small pockets of family groups within the family will group together and have Thanksgiving at different homes. But, if by some stroke of luck, your whole family does gather around one table, here's my advice for safe topics of conversation and topics to avoid.
Topics to Avoid
On the basis that men usually compete with each other and women usually try to avoid conflict in family gatherings, I suggest avoiding the following topics:
The route you took to drive there; every man seems to know a shortcut that someone else doesn't know and little competitions break out over the fastest and shortest way to get there. It is the most meaningless conversation I have ever heard, but men will actually spend time trying to "one-up" each other on who got there by the smartest route.
Politics, religion, and I am adding sports as a sub-catagory of religion. Any conversation on politics goes south immediately and men don't discuss religion because it includes self reflection and/or (perish the thought) self examination, so avoid politics and religion. Sports cannot be discussed because the devotion and loyalty levels are too high and require verbal fighting over the table which can result in peas being thrown and maybe a potato. So, no sports.
Whose child is smarter; The answer is always that your children are the smartest and the others are just some DNA slop that got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking. So, no one can discuss their children.
Who had the worst childhood; sibling rivalry never dies. The "Mom loves you more" crap never stops. If you're a parent and you are accused of loving one child more than the other, as I was one day, I suggest using the answer I gave to this delicate and sensitive accusation. My response was, "Shut up! I can't stand either one of you! You're both driving me nuts!" The accusatory child shut up and the topic has never been raised since. While children are busy looking for ways to blame you for everything wrong with them, they never factor in your sacrifices and forfeiture of money, time and goals. I always say, there are no perfect parents because there are no perfect children, and they can only blame me for their problems if I am credited with all their accomplishments, it's an all or nothing deal...the little creeps.
Thanksgiving recipes; women like to discuss and share recipe ideas, but the men always jump in and either 1. they know a better recipe for the item -which they have never cooked themselves, or 2. their mother made it better than you. So, recipes, although they seem safe, might be okay for about ten minutes of conversation, but then you have to move on.
Boats, dock fees, condition of moorings; if you live on the Island, don't bring up these topics around the Thanksgiving table. Boats are like children, they take and take, but we love them and will give them anything they want, until we've had it and then we sell them - which is alright if you sell to a stranger, but if you sell to relative, you will never hear the end of how you took advantage of them and the accusations will start approximately three minutes after some innocent person asks, "So, Bob, how are you and Susan liking your new boat?"
Can't talk about the dead, that's bad luck, unless it's to miss them or laud them.
Can't talk about about money, no one has enough, ever, period.
So what topics are safe to talk about?
Family members who are alive, but not present at that table are fair game. Everyone can spew verbal arrows and shards of glass in complete safety and no fights will break out until someone at the table tells the non-present family member what you said about them. But who cares - you're not talking to them anyway, that's why they weren't invited to your dinner.
Tomatoes. After long and careful thought I have concluded that tomatoes are the perfect Thanksgiving topic. No one has anything against them. Everyone likes them and can name their favorite kind. There's very little controversy over tomatoes. Can't say that about other veggies. Zucchini conversations inevitably lead to body part comparisons. Red vs. white potatoes can be debated. Bell peppers can be blamed for indigestion. Onions are way too controversial and someone with Irritable Bowel Syndrome is always present with a repulsive "Well, you know what happens to me if I eat onions" story. So, I have concluded that tomatoes are the only truly safe topic for discussion at any Thanksgiving table. Hope that helps.
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