Location, Location, Location

The Daily Telegraph,  September 16, 2009 10:11AM
A couple making love in a dumpster have been robbed of their clothes and personal possessions at knifepoint during an embarrassing hold-up.
The pair, aged in their forties, had crawled inside the dumpster so they could be alone.  But while they were engaged in what Wichita police described as "an intimate moment," they were robbed by a man armed with a pocket knife.  It all unfolded shortly after 6 pm Saturday in Kansas, police said, when the man and woman, both 44, crawled into a dumpster for privacy.  A short time later, a 59-year-old man and his 64-year-old companion interrupted the couple inside the dumpster.  With the older man encouraging him, the 59-year-old man pulled out a pocket knife and took shoes, jewelry and the 44-year-old man's wallet.

Every have one of those days when just everything seems to go wrong?
Billy Crystal said, "Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place."  I never fully realized the truth of this statement until I read this story. Now, I have been talked into having sex in some odd places in my lifetime, as has every woman.  We've all been attacked in cars, we all get attacked while doing dishes in the kitchen, and if the sands surrounded Shelter Island could talk, we'd all be in a lot of trouble. But never, never, never, have I heard of a woman in any state of inebriation, but still conscious, consenting to sex in a dumpster.  We all have genetic coding, attached to the 'x' chromosome that prevents us from doing certain sexcapades.  I'm not sure where consenting to sex in a dumpster falls, but my guess is it's pretty high on the list, right after 'I will not have sex in a portapotty' and before 'I will not have sex in the middle of the field at the SuperBowl during halftime'.  This woman, whoever she is, needs to come to the Island for therapy.

"Now Betty, tell us what he said that made you agree to sex in a dumpster."
"He said he knew of a nice quiet place. He said he hosed the place down earlier that day, I thought he was making a joke, you know.  It was dark and I didn't really realize he was taking me to a dumpster."
"Didn't the situation smell a little suspicious to you?"
"Not at first, it was a breezy night."
"So when did you start to catch on?"
"He got down on one knee, and for a minute I thought he was going to propose to me or something. But he was just getting down to give me a leg up and help me flip over the side."
"Did he offer you any money at all Betty? For sex in a dumpster, you should have gotten $100,000 at least. I mean, if Eliot Spitzer can pay $5000 for an hour in a nice hotel, sex in a dumpster should have gotten you a down payment for a house."
"No, no money. I'm sorry. I guess I'm an embarrassment to my gender."
"I'm afraid it's true, Betty, you have set us back a hundred years. Now every man will think a rinsed out dumpster counts as a private room and they do as little as they can to get access to us anyway."
"He put down fresh cardboard - does that count for anything?'
"No Betty, it doesn't count, he could have put down a new mattress with satin sheets, it wouldn't matter, as anyone on the Island knows, location is everything.  I think you need to stay here awhile and learn to know your "No Zones" '.
"No Zones?"
"Yes, the No Zones are born into every woman, but apparently you're some kind of throw back to a stupider time.  We will have to teach you the No Zones from scratch.  For example, anything that smells of sewage or garbage is a No Zone.  Anyplace within one hundred feet of any in-law or potential in-law is a No Zone, Ferry lines are a No Zone unless you're in a limo and the driver can move the car forward. Parking lots are No Zones during business hours. Beaches are always No Zone because no matter how romantic it looks on a movie screen, sand gets everywhere and ants crawl on your head."
"Gosh, I guess I have a lot to learn.  Are there any exceptions to No Zones?"
"Of course, any No Zone can become a Yes Zone contingent on the long term benefit."
"You mean, like if he swears he'll love you forever?"
"No, Betty, that's not a long term benefit. "I love you" only lasts until they want the next thing.  A long term benefit would be a house, a car, a boat, an insurance policy, you know, a little something tangible that a girl can hold on to, for that you can endure fifteen minutes of anything."
"Okay, I'm starting to get it now. I just have to remember, location, location, location."
"You'll do fine, Betty, you'll do just fine."

No More Money for the Whore

Now Being Served: Client No. 9

I genuinely pity Eliot Spitzer, seen above telling the public that the distance between his fingers is actually eight inches (how many women have heard that before!). He went to Harvard and Princeton, married well, three lovely daughters, worked his way up to govenorship of New York State. At only 48 years old, if he did a good job in NY, he might have been chosen as a VP on the Dem ticket in 2012, from there, the Presidency. Yes, it was all going so well. But power corrupts. I could almost nominate him for a Darwin Award for being phenomenally stupid. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot, okay, maybe a little higher, but he essentially ended his life. He lost his job, position, will probably, and deservedly, be disbarred. His wife, I’m betting, will divorce him as more revelations surface about how long he used professional services. And his teenaged daughters, who have now seen their mother weep bitter tears, won’t ever feel the same about him again. And you can bet that as adult women, they will have major trust issues with men. Eliot probably thinks he’s the only victim here. Will he ever understand how it hurts his wife when he chases young babes, while she allowed three pregnancies to ruin her body? Mrs. Spitzer, such a trained political wife, stood neatly dressed behind him, as he carved her heart out with a spoon. I hope she cleans him out. She deserves the best possible life she can get hold of now. God Bless her.

It’s a good thing Eliot wasn’t a Shelter Island man. Most of the gals on the Island would not have stood quietly behind their cheating husband while he announced how penitent he was. I’ve taken an informal survey and I’d like to advise any men in Shelter Island politics, not to expect their wives to stand behind them in their moment of betrayal, they have different ideas for atonement. An Island woman would have beaten Eliot to death with one of the folding chairs from the front row.

Now, with horror, Mrs. Spitzer and the country get to watch the whore rake in the profits with centerfold spreads from stroke magazines and TV interviews, and movies of the week.

When did shame go out of style? As a parent, I made certain my children understood that there are behaviors that are shameful and your should feel guilty and remorseful. Society uses guilt and shame to curb aberrant behavior - but apparently ban is lifted if you make a lot of money doing it, or if it involves someone famous.

“Hi Mary, you busy tonight?”
“Hi Sally, no, what’s up?”
“I’m short for the rent money, I thought could service some guys at the bar.”
“Sally! That’s horrible! You’re kidding right?”
“No, no, you don’t understand, the guy at the bar I’m targeting is in the Suffolk County Legislature. He’ll pay me not to publish the pictures. I’m bringing whip cream and a chicken, the kinky stuff really brings in the bucks.”
“What pictures?”
“The ones you’ll be taking.”
“That’s prostitution and blackmail!”
“No, no, it’s a public service, we’re exposing a county official for the two timing lying cheat that he is.”
”Wait, that’s still wrong. I can’t be part of that.”
“Yea, but we’ll get about $5000 from him for the pictures and the newspapers will give us even more.”
“But if we sell the pictures to him, we can’t double cross him and sell them to the newspapers. He’s a county executive, he’s a powerful guy.”
“Please, he’ll resign ten minutes after pictures come out, no threat there. I think I should get my hair done for the TV interviews. They pay like $50,000 each. You and Don can get the new boat.”
”$50,000? Boy that’s tempting. But I’ll be selling out my integrity. Everyone will be talking about me.”
”Well that’s the nice thing about owning a boat, you can’t hear people talking about you over the roar of the engine and the clinking ice in your glass.”
“Hang on, Don just woke up. Let me put him on the phone with you.”
“Okay.”
5 minutes later....
“Hi Sal, so what did Don say? It’s a bad idea right?”
“Nope. He said he’s going upstairs to get the better camera for you to bring. He wants a double outboard.”