Super Bowl - Clean out his crap....

Here it comes, the one weekend I looked forward to every year I was married. Stupor Bowl weekend, especially Stupor Bowl Sunday. Here is it, the one chance a woman truly has to eliminate undesirables in her environment. While your man is totally engrossed in a mindless ballgame featuring millionaires in spandex, here’s what you can accomplish...

First, make sure you pre-shop ahead of Super Bowl Sunday so you can quickly replace whatever you subtract. He won’t notice anything that is missing from the closet, but he will notice empty spaces where his ratty stuff used to be, so fill those holes as you go.

Dig out every ragged “but I still like it” shirt and jeans, bag ‘em, drag ‘em to the burn barrel or get them tucked in a yellow town bag. Rout out the sneakers, whose only remaining resemblance to sneakers is knotted laces and slim pieces of fabric that connect all the holes. Keep the beer flowing and while he’s yelling in the living room, get rid of everything he thinks he can still wear from high school.

Underwear. Why do men think that underwear can be worn from date of purchase till the wearer’s natural death? Men have underwear that is ten years old and more. Waistband’s all stretched out, tiny tips of elastic gasping for air popping out all over. No fruit left in the loom at all except for the nuts that occasionally visit. It doesn’t matter how big a man gets, if he can still squeeze into one of the old size 34 briefs he wore during his wrestling years in high school, that is his size forever. If he buys new underwear, it will be size 34, and you will see him use WD-40 on his rump and a shoehorn for the rest, to prove to you that his size 42 self can still fit in a 34. He will stretch and wring out the fruit of the loom so completely, he will smell like Sangria. It’s up to the gals, or guys, in his life, to sneak new underwear into his life. Sometimes you just have to save people from themselves.

Papers. Find all the paper; bank statements from before 2000, credit card offers from previous years that he insists on keeping, “Don’t throw anything out until I have time to look at it.” The Super Bowl is your only chance for his distraction level to be high enough to get all this useless paper out of the house. Never mind recycling it - he might spot it on his next trip - bag it and drag it with all the wet garbage. I know it’s against the rules, but live on the edge once in a while.

Just like the leg lamp in A Christmas Story, this is your opportunity to break any ugly cup of lamp that needs to leave. I was once able to dispose of a set of four cups with deer heads on them during the Super Bowl. I put new hefty mugs in their place, and he never noticed the switch.

They say honesty is important in a relationship. Don’t you believe it. Stealth and a poker face will do more for your relationship than you know. I learned that from my husband who could tell me he attended a fly fishing show and only spent $75 on new equipment with a straight face and direct eye contact so perfect, he could have won an Oscar. I learned I could pursue the much over rated truth, or simply estimate what he really spent and give myself permission to spend the same on my next shopping day, plus interest for him lying to me in the first place. It must have worked, because we never argued about money, or watching the Super Bowl.

Stupor Bowl 2011

Jan 28, 2011


Stupor Bowl: 1) A game in which millionaires in shiny pants run after a ball; 2) An excellent cover to do some serious shopping; 3) A chance for advertisers to run deluxe new ads that will be reviewed and discussed on various TV shows through out the coming year.

Kathy, Carol, Tina and Margie, decide the StuporBowl is an excellent chance to do some very serious shopping.

SuperBowl Sunday; game time approaching...

Kathy: “Okay, everybody understand the plan, right? The men are in Carol’s man cave - she just let Brad buy a new flatscreen - we lift their wallets and make a clean getaway using a beer run as an excuse.”
Tina: “Can we review how we get their wallets again?”
Carol: “I’m going to ask them separately to help me reach for a pan on the top shelf in my kitchen when they come in to get something. As they reach up, Kathy will slid her hand in their back pocket and lift the wallet, which she hands to you and you quickly pull out cash and credit cards, hand the wallet back to Kathy and she slids it back in, all the while I’m distracting them.”
Tina: “And what about Margie, again?”
Kathy: “Margie’s hubby has a man cave and he’s not leaving. So we gave her the Super Bowl Twenty Questions list to use to get him to shoo her out of the house. She’ll call us as soon as she’s free, we pick her up and make a beeline for the South Ferry.”
Tina: “Are you sure it will work?”
Carol: “The sacred Twenty have always worked. I’ve never had to go past five questions.”
Kathy: “I’ve never had to go past two. Okay, places everybody, they should be calling for beer and nacho’s any minute now.”

Meanwhile, back at Margie’s house...Margie snuggles in next to her hubby as the game starts, and the SuperBowl as well.
Margie: “It’s nice that they start with the Star Spangled Banner. How do they chose who gets to sing it?”
Bill: “I don’t know. Now listen, this is serious, you have to be quiet if you’re going to sit here with me. This is the SuperBowl.”
Margie: “Who are you routing for again?”
Bill: “Neither is my team, now shush, they’re flipping for the kick off.”
Margie: “I wonder if that’s how the tradition of flipping a coin to make a decision got started? You know, I was watching a show about coins, how they’re made and the different....”
Bill: “Honey, not now. Listen, I love you, but if you can’t be quiet, you’ll have to leave.”
Margie: “Okay, I’ll go bring you some treats, then I think I’ll go over to Carol’s for awhile.”
Bill: “Sure, fine, whatever.”

Margie delivers a preprepared tray of Bill’s favorites, grabs her jacket and handbag, steps outside and makes the call.
Margie: “Carol? I’m free. I’ll start walking towards your house. I got Bill’s money and cards when he was in the shower.”
Carol: “Perfect! We just cleaned out the last wallet. Kathy’s making the beer run excuse now while Tina stocks the fridge with the beers we hid on the porch. By the time they realize we’re gone, we’ll have cleared out the Commons and be on our way home.”
Margie: “Now we just beat them to the mailboxes when the bills come in and we are home free!”
Carol: “I love the StuporBowl! I get my best shopping of they year done.”

50 Ways to Use the Super Bowl...

There Must Be Fifty Ways to Watch the Stupor Bowl...

I don’t watch footbal because all I see is a bunch of millionaires in shiny pants running around a field. However, I do love the Stupor Bowl.

While your football fan partner is sitting in front of the TV with eyes glazed, grazing happily on BBQ and snacks, you can accomplish a lot.

Been wanting to get out of this relationship with all your stuff and not a big hassle? Rent a U-Haul, dress in sweats and tell you’re cleaning out the back bedroom. Pass your stuff out the bedroom window to whomever is helping you and you can pull can make a clean getaway by the end of the third quarter. Matter of fact, once you’re all packed, tell him you’re making a beer run and you need some money, and poof - you’re gone.

Have you longed to have a friend he hates over for a visit? Invite her during the Stupor Bowl. He’ll be in the living room all day for the pre-game, game, post game analysis, that’s twelve hours at least. You can have any friend in you like. He won’t care as long as nobody passes in front of the TV or asks any questions.

I once painted our bedroom and redecorated the whole room while himself watched the game. Afterward, he protested vehemently, so I just said, “Fine, put it back the way it was. All the old stuff is out in the garage.” Given a choice of repainting a room, dragging old furniture back in the house, taking off new bedding and putting on the old, OR complaining for a week then living with the new decor, all men will choose the latter. Somewhere it is written: Tis easier to complain than reclaim.

I have also used the Stupor Bowl to quickly and easily integrate new dishes or kitchen gadgets into the house. New plates appear, and when - IF - he notices them, you just say, “Oh, so and so gave them to us for our wedding. I just didn’t break them out till today. I was ready for a change.” Men never know what you got for a wedding gift or from whom, so you can use the excuse over and over for years. You can sneak in new food processors, new coffemakers, just anything that goes in a kitchen, it’s terrific and a real time saver. No need to listen to hours of him telling you, “We don’t need it.” Of course you need it. It was on sale, it’s better than the one you have, and besides, you love the color, ergo, you need it.

The Stupor Bowl is perfect for getting rid of the clothes he A} No longer can fit into but insists he can B} clothes that went out of fashion after high school but he refuses to believe that the definition of “cool” has evolved beyond him C} clothes his mother gave him that look awful but he refuses to acknowledge that not everything he owns looks fantastic on him.

If you have a daughter, this is where you teach her how to use the different sports events; Stupor Bowl, Basketball playoffs, all the other contests that declares winners, to her advantage. For someday, she may be in a relationship and have to sneak you in, with your luggage, so you can move in with them and help with the baby. Like a horse with blinders on, men do better if they don’t know whats going on around them. If they see too much and know too much, they might run from the house screaming and then the neighbors know too much.