A Deer in the Headlights.....

Deer Me...

Three deer, a pregnant female, her two year old, and her new baby from Spring, have made our front yard part of their rounds for breakfast and dinner. The mother doesn’t even flinch when you walk within ten feet of her so we named her Brazen. The adolescent is so focused on eating, he doesn’t move unless she does, we named him Grazen. The baby is very skittish and bolts if we even look out the window, we named him Spooky. As I walked to my car I looked straight into Brazen’s eyes and wondered what this dull animal could be thinking...

“I bet this stupid human is wondering what I’m thinking.... How about you get in that car fatso and let me and the kids finish off the boiled cabbage you threw out here in peace.”

“What Mom?”

“Nothin’ sweetie. Mommy’s just attempting an interspecies mind meld to tell this woman not to boil the cabbage with corned beef, it gives Mommy gas.”

“Let’s go over to the Calabro’s. Your Aunt Melanie’s there. We can get some decent Italian in their back yard I bet.”


“Hey Mel!”

“Hi Cathy, hi kids!”

“How’s it going? How many bucks you got chasing you now?”

“You know how it is, everybody is somebody else’s ex. Same guys, we just rotate partners I think. I’m up to three bucks now. First it was just Rodney and Clyde, now Bennie wants in.”

“Bennie? He’s just a 2 pointer isn’t he?”

“Yea. He just got his first points. You know how they are when they’re young. He’s thinks he’s ‘all that’ and a bag of chips besides.”

“So you’re not even gonna give him a chance, Mel?”

“Oh please... in his dreams. I told him to meet me in the woods behind the country club.....you know, by the deer blinds...”

“Melanie! They’ll be twenty hunters there!”

“Yea...I’m trying to feel bad about it, but he needs to exit the gene pool. That moron would be out of his depth in a puddle.”

“You heard about Mary and Joe?”

“Kinda, Cathy....it’s sound’s like they have a drinking problem.”

“I heard they were eating and licking out the bottles in back of that bar, The Dory, and Joe thought it’d be a good idea to go for a swim...”

“Oh no...”

“Yea. They came out by New York Ave and sent about four cars off the road. It was great.”

“I love playing chicken with cars on New York Ave. It’s so narrow and all those trees! I love when they honk the horn, like we can’t see a half ton vehicle traveling towards us at thirty miles an hour....”

“Cut them a break Mel, they don’t know that we use their cars for natural selection. Any deer that stands there and gets hit, deserves to be on a mantle or in a freezer somewhere.”

“You heard about Christine, Cathy?”

“Oh yea... how awful.”

“Everybody tried to tell her. Stay away from the salt licks. That’s how they get you. Her family did a big intervention with her last Spring. She did so well this Summer, she just couldn’t kick the lick it I guess.”

“Well, Freddie won’t be alone for long...”

“You got that right. Have you seen him lately? Eight points....”

“Oooooo nice. Where’s he hangin’ these days?”

“He’s still pretty upset about Christine. He’s gonna be dodgin’ the bullet this year, playing it safe in Mashomack Preserve, no hunting there you know...”

“Oh yea.....where the pussies live. Can’t blame him though.”

“He’ll be okay. He’ll get his nerve back next year. Route 114 won’t be the same without him. Remember that three car accident he caused last season? It’s gonna be hard to beat that record.”

“Freeze Mel.... there’s a woman looking out her back window at us.”

“I see her. She’s got that stupid, “I wonder what the deer are thinking” look in her eyes.”

"So what are you doin' later Cathy?"

"No plans, but I can ditch the kids in the meadow for a few hours if you have an idea."

"I was thinkin' we could go over to the Moose Lodge and blow a few bucks."

"Oooo... dangerous... you know what they say.... Once you go Moose, you never get loose..."

Okay, It's a Hurricane, we got it.....

Situation Saturation


I don’t know why the news treats each hurricane like it’s the first one that’s ever happened on earth. I can’t be the only person who watches the news and wonders why the reporters feel it’s necessary to stand outside in hurricanes, hanging onto parking meters, with their microphones batting into their faces, while they shout obvious statements like, “Well Bob, as you can see, these 90 mile per hour winds are pretty strong. A trash can nearly killed me just as we were setting up.... I can barely stand up as I talk to you!”

WELL GO INSIDE YOU IDIOT !!! No one can understand anyway! We all know it’s a big storm. We’ve all felt strong wind and can reference the experience from tactile memory without watching you roll down the street!

Maybe there’s some kinda merit badge given to weather people if they break a bone after being slammed against a phone pole... Maybe they show scars to each other when they get drunk. “I got this one on my leg here, when a potato peeler hit me while I was standing in the path of an oncoming tornado that just ripped through a trailer park...yep... that was back in the day when a weatherman knew how to handle his low pressure zones....”

I love the reporters wading waist deep in bright yellow waders so we can all see the sacrifice they’re making to prove how high the flood water is. Standing waist deep in water holding electronic equipment...oh gee, and what’s wrong with this picture? Maybe they get extra points if they electrocute themselves on national television....

“Good evening America. I’m Jane Dumb standing here in chest deep water where our co-anchor, John Dumber, was electrocuted just a few short hours ago. He tripped over something he couldn’t see through these muddy flood waters and fell in, completely immersing himself in these fetid, bacteria laden waters, causing all the wiring he was hooked up to, to short out all at once. Our crew, who are experts in electronics, did all they could to save him, but in the end, they were unable to fix John’s shorts in time. Back to you, Dave.”

Remember the reporters after Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans? Wading through contaminated water and describing how the toxicity of the chemical bath they were wading in, would blister skin on contact. I think they’ve taken the concept of ‘in depth’ reporting way too literally... someone has to tell them that it’s not necessary to stand in a cow patty to describe the smell.

I hope a big hurricane never hits Shelter Island. I can just see it now...

“Good evening America, this is Wendy the Weather Wacko, saturating the news with redundant reports. Here’s an update from our last update five minutes ago on the big storm hitting the east end. Bill? How’s it look out there?”

“Hi Wendy! This is Bill Moron. I’m strapped to the gate of one of the ferries, on Shelter Island. Man, the waves are ggggllubbbb. As you can see, I can barely ggggllllubbbb, as the ferry bobs up and down in these high ggllllluubbbbb. We’re approaching the dock ggggllubbb, I hope the gate I’m tied to doesn’t hit ggggglllubb.....”

“Bill? Bill? We seem to have lost contact with Bill. Probably some technical problem. We’ll check back later. Right now, let’s go to Felicia Ifican, who has lashed herself to the flagpole in front of the firehouse. Felicia?”

“Hey Wendy! This is Felicia Ifican. I’ve lashed myself to a flagpole here to bring you the news on this storm. It’s a big one, folks! Fedi’s Deli, is doing a brisk business in ‘sandwiches to go’. You just pull up to the front door, roll down your window, and they’ll shoot one into your car. The roof of the Post Office has blown off, and for the first time, mail is being delivered all over the Island. Lots of people here have these big wooden cut out sheep on their lawns. They’re about 2 feet by 3 feet and they’re whirling around here like giant frisbees. We estimate they are traveling at 125 mph as they cut things in half and imbed into the sides of buildings. I have to be careful. If one comes my way and I don’t take cover in time, it could slice my ....”

"It's the Lord, Noah..." "Right....."

Singin’ in the Rain
Last week was just like monsoon season in the Pacific. For a solid week, the rain ranged between ‘dampen your clothes’ to ‘drench you to your skivvies by the time you get to the car,’ with a smothering blanket of warm humidity as a bonus.

The first Saturday of the monsoon, we rented the movie The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The movie opens with dolphins all over the world doing back flips, which we learn is dolphin speak for ‘farewell.’ You see, they just received a memo that an intergalactic construction firm has just been granted eminent domain over earth and the earth will be destroyed in a half hour in order to clear the way for a new space highway (wormhole). The dolphins sing their thanks as they ‘swim’ up into the air in a lovely choreographed number called, “So Long, So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish.” They all get picked up by space buses waiting to take them away. After that, the movie gets strange.

Sunday: The dreariness of the monsoon was offset for many by the fact that Vinnie and the Jets won over the Buccaneers. I have no idea what I’m watching when I watch any sport, but I have learned to hold an expression of interest for three hours straight, just like a man does when you talk to him about redecorating.

Monday: I’m not sure which is more depressing, a rainy Sunday or a rainy Monday. Either way, soup is the order of the day. I made pea soup to match the atmospheric pressure outside my window. We ate it with a fork.

Tuesday: It’s still raining. We’re running out of movies to watch. It becomes a choice between renting new movies that aren’t quite appealing except that we haven’t seen them, or watching old favorites that we’re not quite ready to see again. Small lakes are beginning to form across streets all over the Island. Everyone is slowing down as each driver wonders how fast he can go without wetting the brakes. This does not apply to the SUV people; they are taking the mini lakes at full speed. They figure, “For the amount of money I’m paying to gas this thing, I’m damn well gonna have some fun!”

Wednesday: My brother is building something in the back yard. He’s working feverishly through the torrential rain. All he’ll tell me is that it’s 80 cubits by 30 cubits by 20 cubits.... He orders me to gather all the Island wildlife in pairs and wait for his signal. I have corralled two regular patrons from each bar. Of the animal life, I have corralled two dozen each scallops, clams, and oysters. I have housed each species in its own stainless steel container. The stainless steel containers help to keep the sea creatures from cross breeding. The containers are stored on my stovetop, except for keeping one back burner clear to melt the butter.

Thursday: It will be necessary to capture more shellfish, as the first captives seem to have pried their shells open and escaped.

Friday: How can it STILL be raining? It’s so humid people are getting the ‘bends’ in the time it takes to return a shopping cart. Should we call FEMA now to give them a head start? Will the runoff from the Island raise the sea level around the Island and cover the beaches? Everything in the house feels damp unless it just came out of the dryer. The dampness is renewing every undesirable smell the house has kept hidden till now. The upside is you can locate and clean every spot where your dog peed once and for all.

Saturday: It’s pouring again. But I no longer care. I’ve just gotten a memo and I’m doing back flips on the front lawn. My neighbors look amazed as they watch me float into the sky with a full dolphin escort as we sing, “So Long, So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish...” The neighbors had no idea I could do a back flip.

Give Me Coffee and No One Will Get Hurt...

Java Jive

One of the greatest inventions of man is the auto-timer on a coffeepot. It’s amazing how you can hear the soft click of the pot turning on, through any depth of sleep. It’s like a dimmer switch inside your head that is gradually turning your lights on. By the time I can smell the coffee, I’ve got my hair pinned up and I’m nearly dressed. I scream at my kids to get up, which helps clear my throat so I’m ready for a nice day of yelling at them, talking over people I dislike, and cursing at things that don’t work. I owe the smooth flow of my day to the auto-timer on my coffeepot.

But recently, when one of my brothers and I decided to move in together, my coffeepot was broken in the move. He said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got a coffeepot. I get up earlier than you, I’ll make the coffee.” That’s what he said.

But men lie.....they lie and they are sadistic.

Sometimes there is coffee in the morning waiting for me and sometimes not.

On the mornings when I have to make it myself, I am forced into the battle I hate. First, you put in the water, which I forget to do sometimes until I smell coffee grounds baking. Sometimes I put in the water, but forget the coffee and come into the kitchen for a cup of coffee tinted hot water. If I do remember to put in the grounds, I have to confront that monster we all hate...the compressed stack of coffee filters. I believe there is a layer of weak glue between each coffee filter in the stack. Not enough for you to be certain the filters are glued together, but enough to make you battle for a single filter. The best you can do is pull out two or three stuck together and then you have to massage them to separate them and stuff one back into the plastic bag, if you can. The first cursing heard in any household is done by the poor tired soul who was just trying to get out one lousy coffee filter! Eventually, I will get the coffee and the filter and the water into the pot at the same time. I flip the ‘on’ switch and the little red light speaks to me, “Be calm, I bring forth the miracle of coffee. Your quest for consciousness is nearly ended.”

When there is coffee ready and waiting for me in the morning. I am happy. I am happy until I realize that I cannot get the top off of the honey jar. To fight off allergies, I have a teaspoon of honey in my coffee every morning (say what you will, it works great for me). Unless someone, who shall go unnamed, has torqued the top of the jar on so tight I can’t get it off even after running it under hot water.

When I complain to him at the end of the day that he screwed the lid on too tight again, he laughs. He laughs because men are sadistic, they just love knowing that even though a woman can run a corporation, she still can’t open a jar. It’s this sick little moment of superiority they all enjoy. I have rubber grippers and a clamp jar opener and it is still a major battle to get a lid off in this house! This is why I have never remarried, I like to be able to open jars and I am not willing to go to ‘Defcom 4’ if the TV remote is missing.

Last Friday morning, there was no coffee again. So I started to make coffee and I thought I’d scramble some eggs too. As I cracked and dropped an egg into a freshly poured, honeyless, cup of coffee, I realized I needed professional help to make breakfast. So I went to Pat & Steve’s. They are caring breakfast professionals who help the morning impaired. Nurse Clarissa gave me coffee, eggs, bacon and even toast. I never have toast because if I successfully make myself coffee, eggs and bacon, I don’t want to jinx it by going for toast.

I am buying a new coffeepot with a timer. I will set it up the night before as usual. I will be like Winnie the Pooh and keep my jar of honey in my room, and if anyone touches it, I will break his hands with a mallet.

Autumn Leaves

The leaves are starting to turn ! I hated autumn when I was little because it meant the beginning of another school year. Now it has become my favorite season, cool and colorful.

The only negative thing about autumn is having to rake leaves. I try to do it all at once. I spray a light coating of glue on the trees until all the leaves turn color. Then, I wait for a windless day and back up my van and hit the tree once or twice so all the leaves fall straight down. If I have a neighbor I dislike, then I do this on a windy day - and while they're at work....

The current parenting manual's suggest using tasks like raking leaves as an opportunity for fun family interaction. I notice most of these manuals are written by men. Which is perfect when you think of it, because surely from their vantage point in the Lazy-Boy, they can easily watch all the family interactions out in the yard.

I try to convince my children that it's fun to rake leaves, just like my mother tried to convince me and with the same effect.

"Just let us know when you've made a big pile Mom, so we can jump."

"Hey listen," I tell them, "only them what raketh, jumpeth !"

"Other mothers don't use their children for forced labor. Aren't you worried about going to jail for child abuse?" my daughter inquired as she jumped clear of the rake handle just about to hit her in the rear.

"Okay, I tried the 'raking is family fun' routine!" I threw off the 'understanding mother' mask and let them see the face of terror, "now pick up that rake and commense interacting with the front lawn!"

"I'm not doing your work for you, Mom," she responded.

This is the point where a parent must count to ten while looking intensely at the child so that they know some insurmountable retort is coming. The ten seconds allows you to quickly review the insurmountable retorts files in your brain.....you reach back in your memory for whatever it was your mother said in this situation.

"Do it or I'll kill you," I said quoting my mother.

"What?"

"I said, rake these leaves or no TV tonight."

"That's not fair. You hate me. Nobody loves me," her standard response for anything she doesn't want to do. "You love my brother more!"

"That's not true!' I said, "I can't stand either one of you. Now pick up that rake!" Content that she had pushed me as far as I'd go, she began raking and making her own pile, not touching my pile of course.

Eventually we have two large piles and we are talking and laughing again. I go get the bags only to be called back by my daughter's blood curdling screams. I round the corner to witness her Uncle David and little brother diving into our freshly piled leaves !

Looking into my daughter's beautiful azure blue eyes, I see she is learning the art of wordless female communication. In a flash she grabs the two rakes, tosses one to me, and we begin beating the piles, hoping to strike one of the interlopers..... but we're too late, our piles are wrecked. Nothing left to do but throw the rakes aside, dive in and beat them up. Oh, I'll be so glad when autumn leaves leave.........

Show Me Your Moon, I'll Show You Mine!

“Blue moon.... you saw me standing alone....”

So I was walking to my car when I felt it hit...an acorn planted itself firmly in my chignon. Couldn’t have landed more perfectly if it had be scripted. That’s the third time I have been nearly impaled by acorns falling from far above me from tall Oak trees. I learned that the indians called this time of year, the Moon of the Popping Trees, the time of year when Oak trees attempt to kill people with acorns traveling at Mach One.

All day and all night for the past few weeks, I will suddenly hear what sounds like a gunshot as an acorn from forty feet up decides to explode off the tree and attempt to impale itself into a host body.....just like in Aliens. I can see it now... I’ll be having coffee at a restaurant when suddenly I’ll fall to the floor and a sapping will spring out of my chest.

I checked www.geocities.com/thunderingheart1/moons_seasons.html and found some other names for months from assorted native american tribes. Not only are all of the names self-explanatory, but most are still accurate today!

JANUARY- Sun Has Not Strength to Thaw; Old Fellow Spreads Bush Moon (well, what else is there to do in January to stay warm?); Snow Drifts into Tepee Moon (aka, Who Left the Flap Open? Moon); Thin Moon
FEBRUARY- Moon of Melting Ice; Sucker Moon (?); Frost Sparkling in the Sun; Boney Moon; Huddle Together Moon
MARCH- Catching Fish Moon; Snow Crust Moon; Buffalo Dropping Their Calves; Sore Eye Moon; Wind Moon
APRIL - Wind Breaks Moon; Broken Snowshoe Moon; Ice Breaking in the River; Frog Moon; Plant in Holes Moon; Geese Lay Eggs
MAY- When Women Weed Corn Moon; Horses Get Fat Moon
JUNE- Green Corn Moon; Strawberry Moon; When the Hot Weather Begins; Bulls Hunt Cows Moon; Fish Spoils Fast Moon
JULY- Raspberry Moon; When the Buffalo Bellows; Ducks Molt Moon;
AUGUST- Corn Tassel Moon; Young Ducks Fly Moon
SEPTEMBER- Snow Goose Moon; Scarlet Plum Moon; Acorns Fly Moon
OCTOBER- White Frost Moon; Moon of the Popping Trees; Striped Gopher Looks Back Moon; Harvest Moon; Long Hair Moon; Time of Poverty Moon
NOVEMBER- Freezing Moon; Hunting Moon; Deer Rutting Moon; Time of Much Poverty Moon; Turkey Moon
DECEMBER- Snow Moon; Wolves Run Together Moon; Young Fellow Spreads Bush Moon (some things never change....)

I rather like the idea of months having descriptive names rather than some old roman names. I thought of a few possibilities...

January: Moon of Bills and Weeping; Big Party Moon; Women Throw Off Blouses Moon; Hangover Moon; Aspirin Moon; Moon of the EPT's
February: Big Snow No Go Moon; Chocolate Heart Moon; Jigsaw Puzzles Moon
March: Wind Pushes Eyes Back in Head Moon; Chickens Lay Same Eggs Twice Moon
April: Small Flowers Sweet Air Moon; Bunnies Lays Eggs Moon; Umbrella Moon; Moon of Arthritis; Advil Moon
May: Children Groaning Moon; Moon of Cleaning Closets; Moon of Redecoration; Martha Stewart Moon; Moon of Husbands Painting
June: Tourists Coming Moon; Gun Cleaning Moon; Bridal Moon; Honey Moon; Graduation Moon; Moon of the Poor Fathers
July: Boating Moon; Fireworks Moon; Big Beer Moon; Moon of Nagging Children
August: Humidity Moon; Homicide Moon; Ice Cream Moon; Moon of Christmas Catalogs
September: Tourists Leave Moon; Leaves Leave Moon; Children Back to School Moon; Moon of Parental Happiness; Moon When Children from Big Party Moon Come
October: Moon of the Attacking Acorns; Moon of Acorn in Bun; Moon When Christmas Decorations Appear; Asthmatic Moon; Baseball Moon; Moon of Silly Costumes; Moon of Giving Candy; Moon of Rich Dentists
November: Turkey Moon; Stuffed Moon; Rutting Deer Moon; Run Over Deer Moon; Moon of More Catalogs; Football Moon; Moon of Women Hiding Remote; Moon When Women Die
December: Moon of the Flying Deer; Moon of the Moving Belt Notch; Moon of Mastercard; Toys ‘R’ Us Moon; Neimans Moon; Moon of the Kiting Checks

A blue moon is a second full moon in the same month. “Pow, zoom, to the moon Alice!” means you have an imminent domestic crisis. “Goodnight Moon” is a book you read repeatedly until your brain wanes into jello. Moonshine is what you need after your 100th reading of Goodnight Moon. Moon Pies go good with Moonshine. Avoid Moonshine and moonlight together or you could wax sentimental and end up with another five year commitment to Goodnight Moon!