Monday, October 10, 2005

Autumn Leaves

The leaves are starting to turn ! I hated autumn when I was little because it meant the beginning of another school year. Now it has become my favorite season, cool and colorful.

The only negative thing about autumn is having to rake leaves. I try to do it all at once. I spray a light coating of glue on the trees until all the leaves turn color. Then, I wait for a windless day and back up my van and hit the tree once or twice so all the leaves fall straight down. If I have a neighbor I dislike, then I do this on a windy day - and while they're at work....

The current parenting manual's suggest using tasks like raking leaves as an opportunity for fun family interaction. I notice most of these manuals are written by men. Which is perfect when you think of it, because surely from their vantage point in the Lazy-Boy, they can easily watch all the family interactions out in the yard.

I try to convince my children that it's fun to rake leaves, just like my mother tried to convince me and with the same effect.

"Just let us know when you've made a big pile Mom, so we can jump."

"Hey listen," I tell them, "only them what raketh, jumpeth !"

"Other mothers don't use their children for forced labor. Aren't you worried about going to jail for child abuse?" my daughter inquired as she jumped clear of the rake handle just about to hit her in the rear.

"Okay, I tried the 'raking is family fun' routine!" I threw off the 'understanding mother' mask and let them see the face of terror, "now pick up that rake and commense interacting with the front lawn!"

"I'm not doing your work for you, Mom," she responded.

This is the point where a parent must count to ten while looking intensely at the child so that they know some insurmountable retort is coming. The ten seconds allows you to quickly review the insurmountable retorts files in your brain.....you reach back in your memory for whatever it was your mother said in this situation.

"Do it or I'll kill you," I said quoting my mother.

"What?"

"I said, rake these leaves or no TV tonight."

"That's not fair. You hate me. Nobody loves me," her standard response for anything she doesn't want to do. "You love my brother more!"

"That's not true!' I said, "I can't stand either one of you. Now pick up that rake!" Content that she had pushed me as far as I'd go, she began raking and making her own pile, not touching my pile of course.

Eventually we have two large piles and we are talking and laughing again. I go get the bags only to be called back by my daughter's blood curdling screams. I round the corner to witness her Uncle David and little brother diving into our freshly piled leaves !

Looking into my daughter's beautiful azure blue eyes, I see she is learning the art of wordless female communication. In a flash she grabs the two rakes, tosses one to me, and we begin beating the piles, hoping to strike one of the interlopers..... but we're too late, our piles are wrecked. Nothing left to do but throw the rakes aside, dive in and beat them up. Oh, I'll be so glad when autumn leaves leave.........

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