A Deer in the Headlights.....

Deer Me...

Three deer, a pregnant female, her two year old, and her new baby from Spring, have made our front yard part of their rounds for breakfast and dinner. The mother doesn’t even flinch when you walk within ten feet of her so we named her Brazen. The adolescent is so focused on eating, he doesn’t move unless she does, we named him Grazen. The baby is very skittish and bolts if we even look out the window, we named him Spooky. As I walked to my car I looked straight into Brazen’s eyes and wondered what this dull animal could be thinking...

“I bet this stupid human is wondering what I’m thinking.... How about you get in that car fatso and let me and the kids finish off the boiled cabbage you threw out here in peace.”

“What Mom?”

“Nothin’ sweetie. Mommy’s just attempting an interspecies mind meld to tell this woman not to boil the cabbage with corned beef, it gives Mommy gas.”

“Let’s go over to the Calabro’s. Your Aunt Melanie’s there. We can get some decent Italian in their back yard I bet.”


“Hey Mel!”

“Hi Cathy, hi kids!”

“How’s it going? How many bucks you got chasing you now?”

“You know how it is, everybody is somebody else’s ex. Same guys, we just rotate partners I think. I’m up to three bucks now. First it was just Rodney and Clyde, now Bennie wants in.”

“Bennie? He’s just a 2 pointer isn’t he?”

“Yea. He just got his first points. You know how they are when they’re young. He’s thinks he’s ‘all that’ and a bag of chips besides.”

“So you’re not even gonna give him a chance, Mel?”

“Oh please... in his dreams. I told him to meet me in the woods behind the country club.....you know, by the deer blinds...”

“Melanie! They’ll be twenty hunters there!”

“Yea...I’m trying to feel bad about it, but he needs to exit the gene pool. That moron would be out of his depth in a puddle.”

“You heard about Mary and Joe?”

“Kinda, Cathy....it’s sound’s like they have a drinking problem.”

“I heard they were eating and licking out the bottles in back of that bar, The Dory, and Joe thought it’d be a good idea to go for a swim...”

“Oh no...”

“Yea. They came out by New York Ave and sent about four cars off the road. It was great.”

“I love playing chicken with cars on New York Ave. It’s so narrow and all those trees! I love when they honk the horn, like we can’t see a half ton vehicle traveling towards us at thirty miles an hour....”

“Cut them a break Mel, they don’t know that we use their cars for natural selection. Any deer that stands there and gets hit, deserves to be on a mantle or in a freezer somewhere.”

“You heard about Christine, Cathy?”

“Oh yea... how awful.”

“Everybody tried to tell her. Stay away from the salt licks. That’s how they get you. Her family did a big intervention with her last Spring. She did so well this Summer, she just couldn’t kick the lick it I guess.”

“Well, Freddie won’t be alone for long...”

“You got that right. Have you seen him lately? Eight points....”

“Oooooo nice. Where’s he hangin’ these days?”

“He’s still pretty upset about Christine. He’s gonna be dodgin’ the bullet this year, playing it safe in Mashomack Preserve, no hunting there you know...”

“Oh yea.....where the pussies live. Can’t blame him though.”

“He’ll be okay. He’ll get his nerve back next year. Route 114 won’t be the same without him. Remember that three car accident he caused last season? It’s gonna be hard to beat that record.”

“Freeze Mel.... there’s a woman looking out her back window at us.”

“I see her. She’s got that stupid, “I wonder what the deer are thinking” look in her eyes.”

"So what are you doin' later Cathy?"

"No plans, but I can ditch the kids in the meadow for a few hours if you have an idea."

"I was thinkin' we could go over to the Moose Lodge and blow a few bucks."

"Oooo... dangerous... you know what they say.... Once you go Moose, you never get loose..."