Thanksgiving - and Why Not?

Here is comes, my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. I love the sentiment of it, pausing to think and give thanks for all that we really do have. Enjoying all the delicious foods associated with the feast and asking ourselves, “How come we don’t have turkey more often?”

I think Thanksgiving is always a combination of trial, trauma and triumph.

There always seem to be situations that try our patience to it’s absolute limit.

“I told her not to bring him, but she did, so what can we do, Roger?.......No, if we reject him she’ll marry him for sure out of spite.....okay, you can drink scotch, but only if you lock the gun in the outside shed.”

“Bob, we’ve been married 36 years, you know my mother always brings turnips. I’ve told her you hate them, but she just can’t remember it. My Dad loved her turnips and that’s why she makes them for you. I’ll hand you a little dish under the table so you can sneak them away.....I know you’re a grown man and shouldn’t have to pretend in your own house, but I have to look at all the photo albums of your mother’s modeling career in the 50’s every time we go there - and it takes a lot more time to look at those albums than it does to slip turnips under the table.

There always seem to be situations that are traumatic.

“Now Joe, remember, Ronnie is my little brother and you can’t kill him about that car.....I know the engine blew up before the check even cleared.... it’s just one of those things, that’s why they say never sell a car to a relative.....yes, I know all about the $500 you loaned him in July, and you’re right, he’s not going to pay it back by Christmas....I don’t know what to do....it I don’t invite him, Mom gets really upset and if I do invite him, you get upset. Can’t we just suspend hostilities for eight hours?”

“I don’t care, Mark, Mary ran over my cat, your sister did it on purpose, I don’t want her in this house!....drunk is not an excuse, she squashed Miss Marmalade, and don’t say, “It’s just a cat”, a pet is more than an animal. She was my friend, until Bloody Mary tore out of the driveway last Thanksgiving in a big huff. Go ahead, let her in....no, I won’t make a scene. Like Dante’s Inferno, I have many levels of passive aggressive pain to inflict.

Fortunately, there are times of triumph at Thanksgiving too.

“Regardless of any petty things that happen, I want you all to know that I am so happy that we are all here and sharing this time together. I brought out Grandma’s dishes just for this occasion. We don’t have the whole service of course, but we won’t bring up what Karen did anymore. The important thing is that we all have at least a plate or cup that we can remember from Grandma’s table as part of our own place setting today. There was of course, a large turkey platter and gravy boat, I guess someone else has that at their house, but let’s not focus on petty details, guilt is it’s own punishment. Therefore , let’s lift a glass and Thank God, yes, God, for all the blessings we can see and especially for those we can’t. Amen”

Turkey Day is on the Way!

November has started. We have three paychecks left until Christmas, four until the credit card bills for Christmas arrive. We are officially in Holiday Mode. Here is your check list from now until Thanksgiving:

1. First order of business, check how many loyalty points you have at your grocery store to ascertain whether or not you qualify for the free turkey.
2. Watch cooking shows for new Thanksgiving recipes, you have to write them down or print them from the website; either way a hard copy has to go into the Thanksgiving section of your cookbook.
3. Start making a list of ingredients to shop for. Also, start a Christmas/Chanukah gift list.
4. Try to recall where you put the decorations. You took great care to put them where you could find them easily this year, so think hard - where would you have put boxes so they were out of the way, but easy to access.
5. Finish your ingredients list and plan to shop the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, like everyone else.
6. By now, you’ve cleaned out two closets and found the items you couldn’t locate for Fourth of July, so make sure to isolate those items in a marked box and store them in a safe place where they’ll be out of the way, but easy for access next July.
7. Plan your off-island shopping trip. You can authorize yourself to buy at least one new kitchen machine, like a new crockpot with the new SMA (Save My Ass) feature that lists restaurants that deliver in your area if you screw up the potroast. It also allows you to program in friend’s numbers; your crockpot will call your friend and tell her to get there quick with anything you can put on the table that will save your face. Crockpot bonding is a high level of female bonding.
8. Give it up, you’re never going to find the box with the Harvest / Thanksgiving decorations and they are too old anyway. Best to add new decorations to your off-Island shopping list. You’ll find the Thanksgiving decorations box when you’re looking for the Easter box next Spring.
9. It’s now a week before Thanksgiving and it’s time to go off-Island and overspend. You will return exhausted, but triumphant. This will finally be the Thanksgiving you’ve dreamed of because you planned ahead and did everything right according to Oprah AND Dr. Phil. You may take off one day to charge up for the big push.
10. It’s five days before Thanksgiving and you realize you don’t have all the ingredients your new recipes call for, you need Cream of Tartar, fresh mint, red pepper flakes and several other littles. However, you didn’t put the new recipes in your cookbook right away and now you can’t find them. If you can’t find the recipes, why buy anymore of the expensive ingredients?
11. Cleaning the house took two days, so it’s now two days before Turkey Day. You found the old Thanksgiving decorations under your stack of winter sweaters, in an easily accessible place, in a box marked, “THANKSGIVING DECOR”. No wonder you couldn’t find them.
12. You’ve given up on the new recipes, which your husband wasn’t going to like anyway. You content yourself with new decorations and at least you scored a new crockpot, or mixer, so the season wasn’t lost.
13. The Wednesday before T-Day, you prepare and cook all you can ahead of time. Tomorrow you will put on a wonderful, traditional spread. You and your girlfriends and the kids and grandkids, will sit around the table and enjoy eating and conversation. The men will be where they always are on Thanksgiving.
14. Resolve to remember next November not to get all excited about putting on a great spread for you husband and expect him to shower you with compliments. Realize that even if you stuffed the bird with caviar, the men were just going to pile everything on a plate and drag it to the living room to watch that G-damed football game anyway.

What to do with Thanksgiving Leftovers

Nothing tastes better than a turkey/dressing/cranberry sandwich the day after Thanksgiving. Everybody loves the day-after leftovers. But then, there's the real leftovers to deal with, like turkey stock....

"Hi Mom, I'm boiling the turkey carcas for soup, do you want some turkey stock?....You have three quarts of your own? Well who can I give some to? I hate to see it go to waste."

"Hi Jo, this is Sally. I have two quarts of turkey stock for give-away, my mother doesn't want it.....yeah, I'll trade for mashed potatoes, we ate all ours."

"Hi Susan, this is Jo. I have two quarts of turkey stock left over. Got any extra cranberry sauce to swap? ...Wonderful, swing by whenever you can."

Hi Maggie, this is Susan. Can you use some nice fresh turkey stock? I'll swap for a pumpkin pie. No, half is good...you got any new pantyhose to throw in?....Great!"

Hi Patty, it's Susan. I'm trying to move some really flavorful turkey stock. Two ferry tickets? Both North, South, or one of each? ... Two North? Did you make your candied yams this year? ......Okay, one ticket and candied yams."

Hey, Clarice, it's Patty. I have the best turkey stock you have ever had. You could add one carrot and one stalk of celery and have soup. What have you got to get rid of?.....No, I figured you didn't cook....half pint of rum is good, are you sure you want to part with it? ....hell, I can't tell the cheap stuff from the good stuff anyway, I'll take your word for it. I'll throw in my Iron Man II dvd. We already saw it, it's good for one viewing."

Hi Georgia, it's Clarice. You know I don't cook, but Patty gave me a huge container of her turkey stock and you know she's a great cook. Wanna trade?.....Oh, a slab of smoked ham would be terrific!"

Hi Lulu, it's Georgia. I have some scrumptious turkey stock to move....oh, I love your pecan pies, half is fine!"

"Hi Sally, it's Lulu. Listen, I have this incredible turkey stock to give away. It smells delicious right through the container, interested?"

"Yes! I made the worst turkey I ever made yesterday and the stock was so thin it looked like I added a brown crayon to hot water. I traded it early this morning to Jo, so I could really use some good stuff. I have rum balls and macadamia fruit cake to trade......rum balls it is!"

Stuffing and Giving the Bird

I thought I'd share my grandmother's delicious Rum Raisin Stuffing recipe with my readers.
Gather up these ingredients: assorted bread crumbs, parsley, sage and thyme, salt and pepper. Three eggs, two onions and two green bell peppers, one box raisins, one pint dark rum.

Open the rum, take good sip for quality assurance. Soak the raisins in straight rum for at least four hours.
While the raisins are soaking, crumble up all the uncrumbled bread bits, fluff in a tablespoon of dried parsley, teaspoon of sage and a teaspoon of thyme. Fluff around in bowl, take a pinch to taste. Add spices until crumb mixture tastes flavorful and balanced. Then add salt and pepper to taste. If you have trouble finding the flavor balance, sip a jigger of the rum to clear your palate. Let your mouth rest, then try the crumb mixture again. Wait readers - hold on - my phone is ringing.

"Hi Cathy......no, she's bringing the pies, you're supposed to bring the mashed potatoes. Yup.... listen, I gotta go, I'm doing a dressing recipes for Dan's."

Where was I.....oh yes, sip a jigger of rum.
Now let's chop something and saute the onions and bell peppers. Chop into dime sized pieces. Get your fry pan hot and toss them in. While they get going, check how the raisins are doing. Eat a teaspoon of raisins. We want to soak them in the rum until they're as fat a grapes again. Stir the um.... stir the onions and peppers. Watch for the onions to carmelize, which means turn light brown. Pardon me, the phone again.

"Hi Cath.....sure we can fit your sister in. Okay, and her husband too. What? Four kids? I don't think I have the room. I thought there was just going to be five of us, I didn't buy a huge turkey. .....I know, but that six extra people. I don't have a kids table set up.....but I don't want them to eat with us, that's why I didn't invite anyone with kids in the first place. Kids wreck a meal. You're up and down constantly and you never get to eat in peace......I'm sure you'll help, but I just saying, four kids....you and she will have to take care of them, I don't want to..... alright, goodbye."

Hello readers, well, the onions and peppers burned, so I'll start over on them. I'm pouring out a full jigger of rum and checking it for taste and texture while I chop something.....and okay here we go, carmelizing the onions and WHOAAAAAAA.....putting out the flames..... readers, don't spill any of the rum into the saute pan. However, I can say, the onions have a lovely carmel color now. And as soon as the smell of my cinged hair clears away, this will smell wonderful. And now add the sauteed onions and peckers to the bread crumb mixture, fold in slowly so you don't make a big mess. Hold on..... I'm sorry readers.....

"Hello.......Cathy, can you call me back in an hour? I'm trying to make the stuffing. I'll never get this bird in.....what? No! No lasagna instead of mashed potatoes, this is a Thanksgiving dinner! I don't care if the kids won't eat mashed potatoes, get them Happy Meals on the way over......nut allergies? I don't know what has touched nuts in my kitchen or not.....I use nuts in a lot of dishes, my house is not a nut free zone! Then tell her to bring over whatever her child can eat and keep it separate from the rest of the foods for him......I'm not yelling! I want a peaceful, calm Thanksgiving dinner! I'm hanging up now. I'll see you at 4....."

I am truly sorry readers. I know you are all waiting. Just let me steady my nerves a bit. Pausing to take a zanex and let's just wash it down with a swallow of rum to to activate it a little sooner for me. I'm trying to manage my anxiety. I have this friend who is fouling up my plans. I had such a good plan...

Back to the recipe, we're almost done. Add the sauteed crap to the crumbs and stir, and now add the eggs......okay, I was a little premature on the eggs.... pick out the shells.....nut allergy, she should leave the kid at home....and to put us in a holiday mood, I'll have a few sips of rum which is getting smoother with each sip. Now, add the raisins and a whole cup of rum. And mix the mixture until, until, it looks like something that is mixed.

And now get the bird out of the fridge and throw him in the sink. Reach in the chest and pull out that bloody paper bag of turkey organs and give it to your cat. Next, flip the bird and stick you hand up it's....other side and yank out whatever the hell Butterball has jammed in that end along with that obscene turkey neck. Rinse the bird....damn.... not with soap....I was on automatic pilot there for a minute.....rinse off these suds. Well, it's a clean bird now.

Get the bowl with the stuff and stuff that mother and throw it in the oven.
Now, take the bird back out and, we should have done this earlier, find a pan. Use the biggest pan you have and sit the bird up if he doesn't fit laying down. Use wire to stabilize it into a sitting Buddha position and you can tell your guests that it's a nut free bird and all nut free birds are cooked sitting up. Of course, as the bird cooks, the stuffing will expand out of the bird's bottom and this may not be an optimal visual for the table, so have some sprigs of parsley ready to throw between it's legs before you put it on the table. Maybe put a little party hat on the top of the neck too...why the hell not? Excuse me readers, it's probably my friend phone, Cathy calling.

"WHAT?......no, no, no, nobody's making fresh guacamole in my kitchen!.....No, there's no taco chips and guacamole at Thanksgiving! .....if they're health nuts, tell them to make that green mush at home and bring it with them. I don't like people in my kitchen.....it IS a big deal....if they don't like the traditional foods, why are they bothering with Thanksgiving?...Okay... you know what, just do what you want. Tell her I have nuts all over the kitchen and everything in my kitchen has been touched by nuts.....I'm hanging up now...."

Okay readers, that's the last interruption, I promise. Put the oven on 350 and put in the bird, with or without the pan, I don't care. Drink one cup of rum. Crush any remaining zanex you have and put it into a container of milk that may be used for children later in the day. The zanex in their milk will enhance your ability to enjoy your meal.

Happy Thanksgiving!

You Say Tomato, I Say Potato

Right now, across the country, people are deciding whose house to go to for Thanksgiving, or whether or not they will host the dinner, or whether or not they will just go to a restaurant.

All the grandmothers want all their children and grandchildren to come to their house and they all want the Norman Rockwell family portrait of the perfect Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone in the picture looks happy and grateful. All the children are sitting nicely. My mother still wants this perfect Thanksgiving. But, if your family is like mine, there are family members who won't talk to other family members, and there's no way our kids would sit calmly at a table, and there's not a single bottle of wine or any of it's affiliates anywhere in the Norman Rockwell picture, I checked it twice. Small pockets of family groups within the family will group together and have Thanksgiving at different homes. But, if by some stroke of luck, your whole family does gather around one table, here's my advice for safe topics of conversation and topics to avoid.

Topics to Avoid
On the basis that men usually compete with each other and women usually try to avoid conflict in family gatherings, I suggest avoiding the following topics:
The route you took to drive there; every man seems to know a shortcut that someone else doesn't know and little competitions break out over the fastest and shortest way to get there. It is the most meaningless conversation I have ever heard, but men will actually spend time trying to "one-up" each other on who got there by the smartest route.
Politics, religion, and I am adding sports as a sub-catagory of religion. Any conversation on politics goes south immediately and men don't discuss religion because it includes self reflection and/or (perish the thought) self examination, so avoid politics and religion. Sports cannot be discussed because the devotion and loyalty levels are too high and require verbal fighting over the table which can result in peas being thrown and maybe a potato. So, no sports.
Whose child is smarter; The answer is always that your children are the smartest and the others are just some DNA slop that got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking. So, no one can discuss their children.
Who had the worst childhood; sibling rivalry never dies. The "Mom loves you more" crap never stops. If you're a parent and you are accused of loving one child more than the other, as I was one day, I suggest using the answer I gave to this delicate and sensitive accusation. My response was, "Shut up! I can't stand either one of you! You're both driving me nuts!" The accusatory child shut up and the topic has never been raised since. While children are busy looking for ways to blame you for everything wrong with them, they never factor in your sacrifices and forfeiture of money, time and goals. I always say, there are no perfect parents because there are no perfect children, and they can only blame me for their problems if I am credited with all their accomplishments, it's an all or nothing deal...the little creeps.
Thanksgiving recipes; women like to discuss and share recipe ideas, but the men always jump in and either 1. they know a better recipe for the item -which they have never cooked themselves, or 2. their mother made it better than you. So, recipes, although they seem safe, might be okay for about ten minutes of conversation, but then you have to move on.
Boats, dock fees, condition of moorings; if you live on the Island, don't bring up these topics around the Thanksgiving table. Boats are like children, they take and take, but we love them and will give them anything they want, until we've had it and then we sell them - which is alright if you sell to a stranger, but if you sell to relative, you will never hear the end of how you took advantage of them and the accusations will start approximately three minutes after some innocent person asks, "So, Bob, how are you and Susan liking your new boat?"
Can't talk about the dead, that's bad luck, unless it's to miss them or laud them.
Can't talk about about money, no one has enough, ever, period.

So what topics are safe to talk about?

Family members who are alive, but not present at that table are fair game. Everyone can spew verbal arrows and shards of glass in complete safety and no fights will break out until someone at the table tells the non-present family member what you said about them. But who cares - you're not talking to them anyway, that's why they weren't invited to your dinner.

Tomatoes. After long and careful thought I have concluded that tomatoes are the perfect Thanksgiving topic. No one has anything against them. Everyone likes them and can name their favorite kind. There's very little controversy over tomatoes. Can't say that about other veggies. Zucchini conversations inevitably lead to body part comparisons. Red vs. white potatoes can be debated. Bell peppers can be blamed for indigestion. Onions are way too controversial and someone with Irritable Bowel Syndrome is always present with a repulsive "Well, you know what happens to me if I eat onions" story. So, I have concluded that tomatoes are the only truly safe topic for discussion at any Thanksgiving table. Hope that helps.

The Thanksgiving that Was ... But Wasn't Rockwell

What I've always wanted is a Rockwell Thanksgiving, just like in the painting. The food is perfect, all the people seated around the table look kind and polite, all the kids are clean and sitting patiently and perfectly behaved. My mother always wanted that too, and come to think of it, every woman I know wants that - a Rockwell Thanksgiving - just once.

But, it can't be. First of all, nobody, unless you have a chef in the family, can organize all the dishes so that everything is perfect and ready to serve all at the same time. We always have the nutty expectation that we can turn an ordinary kitchen into a culinary palace required to create a feast. We all watch the short cuts on Rachel Ray and it sure looks easy when she does it. But my dinner always looks like a 12-year-girl scout was earning her cooking badge that day. I try to spend extra time on table decorations. A large paper fanned out turkey casts a big shadow on the table to hide the burned pieces in the turnips. I have an orange painted hammer and chisel now on the table to help me serve the stuffing and anything else I overcooked. I also try to serve lots of cheap wine in advance of the dinner, it lulls the victims into a stupor and through the haze of alcohol, even my food is edible.

Then, there's the whole problem of the family members being all together at once. While the alcohol mellows them for the meals, it also seems to jog loose old memories and suddenly I can hear old fights being re-fought. Isn't it amazing that time does not erode grudges? Time erodes love, rusts cars, levels mountains - but wreck a relative's car, and 20 years later, they still bring it up. In those moments, I wonder, WHY do we think being together is a good idea ever? When you spend time with one relative, you can trash the rest of the family, but when everyone is together, you can't say anything bad about anyone... and you even start to wonder if they talk about you when you're not around, nah, that would never happen....

Finally we eat and everyone is well behaved for the five minutes it takes to consume the meal you spent hours to make. After that, somebody at the table says to someone else, "You know what you should do..." It never goes over well, whatever it is, and then everyone starts giving their opinions on how everyone else should live their lives and before you know it, you're running to get the desserts on the table to bring the momentum of the advice monsters lobbing verbal assaults back and forth to an end.

Finally, it's over. Everyone says what a nice time they had and you collapse in your chair swearing you will never host another Thanksgiving dinner again. And that vow always lasts for me until the next October, when the cooking shows give me new hope on how easy it really is to put on a turkey dinner.

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL!