Valentine’s Day - No Man Is An Island, But Many Live Here

Men hate Valentine’s Day. They know they have to spend extra money and put on a little “I Love You” show in order to either attain or maintain domestic bliss. They must attempt once again, to answer every woman’s perpetual question, “How much do you love me and why isn’t it more?”
Candy and flowers does the job off-island, but on-island, men, well, smart men, put in a little extra effort. They get flowers, candy and...

A shell gift. How can I shell you how much I love you? A candle with embedded shells, a new shell napkin holder, a line up of new shells on her dashboard. Shells get into your blood here. I would bet everyone here has something - bedsheets, towels, mousepads - with shells on it. Matter of fact, if you don’t like shell or nautical motifs in general, don’t live here. You’d have a better chance of avoiding snow at the North Pole than nautical designs on Shelter Island.

Fresh layer of beach sand in her car. Nothing says, “I love you” Island style like vacuuming out her car and putting in a fresh layer of fragrant beach sand. When she gets in the car, she will smell Spring coming. And maybe, for a topper, a fresh scoop of sand in the cigarette tray for her butts. It’s the little things that touch a woman’s heart.

New beach towels. I don’t care how well you take care of beach towels, they always love beat up by the end of their first season. And the rule is, you can’t retire them to the rag bag until you get new ones. Yep, new beach towels - at least four that match - would be an extremely good gift on the Island. I’d go as far as to say that new towels would nearly eclipse the need to buy flowers - I said nearly - but you could get away with a small bouquet at least.

Fast food from any popular franchise. Since there’s no McDonald’s or Taco Bell or any wicked but delicious food here, any fast food from off-island is a big treat. A Big Mac can bring tears to your eyes. Give your gal a Whopper for Valentine’s Day and you can forgo the candy. If you spring for the whole meal, with a biggie sized coke and fries - and a toy - you can even forgo the flowers. Yes, although fast food is the crack cocaine of the nutritional world, it’s just as addictive and hard to find here.

Dinner at a nice local eatery. Eating in local restaurants gives other Islanders a chance to see that you are still together. It also lets you see who is together or apart. And if a local is dating an off-islander, it gives you a chance to see the foreigner and pass judgement. The only reason an Islander would bring an foreigner here is to evaluate how they might react to living in captivity. If you hear them ask the question, “So what are we doing after dinner? What’s the night life here like?” And they aren’t satisfied with the answer, “Everything’s closed, but we can rent a movie and watch it at my place,”, then they won’t be able to stand life on the rock.

Ferry tickets. A unique gift that says, “I love you” and “Get lost” at the same time. Ferry is another word for freedom here. You just can’t leave home without it...

Crabs & Roses

“I hate Valentine’s Day! I never get it right! Why do you women have to have an extra holiday besides Christmas and your birthday where the guy has to sweat out getting another gift? It’s not fair. I’m still paying off Christmas.”

“Blame no one but yourselves, Pete. For decades men have been so closed off emotionally that women only got to hear “I love you” on our death beds. Valentine’s Day picked up speed as a way for us to drive a wedge into your thick skulls and force you to demonstrate an emotion via candy, flowers, and gifts. The deal was, if you can’t say it, you have to show it. The florist and chocolate industries in this country were built on guys inability to be tender.”

“Yeah, but we’re tender now. We have all had force fed “sensitivity training to get in touch with our feelings....ooooo....” . We say “I love you” all the time now. We know we’re not to get any action without it. We got the message, and we’re still being fleeced every February 14th.”

“That’s true. Guys are much more in touch with their emotions now I guess.”

“No, that’s not what I said. We’re no more connected to our emotions than before, we just know we have to say “I love you” all the time, it’s a filler for us now. Like,

“Hi honey, I’m going to the store, what do you need? Milk? Okay, love you, see you later.” See? It’s a filler, instead of just saying “bye” I threw in, “love you”. We get free points every time we bounce a “love you” in any conversation. The points rack up, and eventually, we get a payoff.“

“You’re all using “I love you” as a filler? Just to rack up points for sex?”

“Absolutely. Every chance we get. It replaces a lot of things. Like if I make a mistake, I just say, “I screwed up, but hey, you know I love you.” I never have to say that other thing anymore.”

“You mean, “I’m sorry” ? Why are you holding up your hands and making across with your fingers? I’m not a vampire.”

“It’s those words. We don’t say the “S” word.”

“But you can say the “L’ word now - anytime?”

“Yup. The “L” word works, as long as it’s not connected to the “M” word.”

“Yes, but L is just before M in the alphabet. You don’t think that’s just a random coincidence, do you?”

“Up till this very moment, yes Sally, I didn’t think that there was secret message in the L-M order of the alphabet. But now that I’m listening to you, it’s clear that one of us is nuts.”

“So what are you getting Cindy for Valentine’s Day?”

“Flowers and candy, what else?”

“She’s an Island girl. Ditch the candy, go get some crabs.”

“Crabs and roses? Sounds like Guns and Roses.”

“Yes, but minus the drugs.”

“What about candy, crabs and roses?”

“A little short on love points are we?”

“Yeah. I made a small mistake, and blew her engine up yesterday, I didn’t tell her yet. So whaddaya think? Will candy, crabs and roses keep me out of the dog house?”

“Under the circumstances, you better add some drugs after all....”

“She doesn’t do drugs.”

“Well, then you take them. It will distract you from the pain.”

“Pain? She’s not gonna hit me with the crabs is she?”

“Of course not. She wouldn’t waste the crabs. The roses however, will need to be removed by your proctologist.”

“I guess I could break down and use the “S” word.”

“Nope, too late for sorry. You might have to resort to the “M” word...”

“Nah, I’ll just get a new girlfriend.”

“What a prince.”

Valentine's Day - Oy Vey!!!

Valentine’s Day: ICU means I Love You

Valentine’s Day. The day when all men must answer the question, “how much do you love me and why isn’t it more?”

I feel sorry for men on Valentine’s Day. They know they have to get it right, but they are so lost on how to do it. When men are courting, they truly want to get it right because they want to build the relationship. But after the foundation of the relationship, and you, have been laid, Valentines Day becomes a nuisance to them. A maintenance task like mowing the lawn or changing the oil.

Men struggle to find the cheapest and easiest gift they can get you that will still fulfill the female need for yet another protestation of love. Courting men try to choose the cheapest gift they can get that will still make her feel obligated to show her appreciation. Married men no longer hope for any intimate access for their efforts, they just don’t want to get in any trouble. THey don’t want their woman slamming kitchen cabinets the next day and finding the single fake rose they bought stuck to the cabinet with a steak knife through it. Please don’t feel bad if that happened to you, all men in a long term relationship make the mistake of buying the last minute fake rose with a crappy card once, but just once. If they make that mistake twice, we move them into the divorced, or soon to be divorced, man category.

All of the flower and candy companies have a range of gifts for men to select from. I recall a male friend looking at a FTD type newspaper insert that showed all the different flower & gift combo’s he could choice from. His eyes scanned back and forth in desperation, finally he slapped the table and said, “Well hell, I don’t know what to pick.”
“How much gratitude do you want?” I asked. “This tiny rose plant in a coffee cup you’re looking at will get you a hug and a kiss on the cheek.”
“You mean, there’s a system?” the fool asked incredulously.
“Yes,” I said nonchalantly.
“How would you know?” he asked, mistakenly thinking that a middle aged woman who looks like a PTA mom, has no past (let me tell all you guys right now, we all have a past).
I gave him that well practiced icy stare that all women have. The one that shrinks them to the size of a bug. “Ask the crew of the Nimitz,” I said very quietly.
“Ouch! I’m convinced. Will you tell me how this works, please?”
“Absolutely. There’s a direct correlation between the amount of thought and money spent on a gift and the amount of appreciation we feel obligated to show you to insure that we’ll get another great gift next year as well.”
”Okay. How much appreciation could I get for a dozen red roses?”
“You could get a decent make out session.”
Well, what if I, if I, ah, would like a little more appreciation?”
“Depends on the vase. Send the roses in a plain glass vase wouldn’t get you any extra points. But send them in the murano glass vase, you could get a lot of appreciation for that,” I answered.
“Is there anything in this flyer that could get me anything ah, exotic appreciation?”
“Sorry, there’s no kinky sex bouquet. You have to add jewelry to roses and candy to get anything like that.”
“Did your husband know about this system?”
“Yes, he did. I got a pair of emerald and diamond earrings totaling 4 carats one Valentine’s Day.”
”Wow, what did you have to, I mean, I guess you had to show a lot of appreciation for that.”
“Oh yes, he was well appreciated that night. He didn’t complain once the whole next week when he was in the Intensive Care Unit.”

So, for all you guys shopping for the Valentine’s gift this week, get real flowers or real (sterling or 14kt) jewelry. Buy a nice card, I don’t care if it costs you $5, you don’t want to see your card with a steak knife through it, do you? And if you get a really spectacular gift, you too, could wind up in ICU.