Crabs & Roses

“I hate Valentine’s Day! I never get it right! Why do you women have to have an extra holiday besides Christmas and your birthday where the guy has to sweat out getting another gift? It’s not fair. I’m still paying off Christmas.”

“Blame no one but yourselves, Pete. For decades men have been so closed off emotionally that women only got to hear “I love you” on our death beds. Valentine’s Day picked up speed as a way for us to drive a wedge into your thick skulls and force you to demonstrate an emotion via candy, flowers, and gifts. The deal was, if you can’t say it, you have to show it. The florist and chocolate industries in this country were built on guys inability to be tender.”

“Yeah, but we’re tender now. We have all had force fed “sensitivity training to get in touch with our feelings....ooooo....” . We say “I love you” all the time now. We know we’re not to get any action without it. We got the message, and we’re still being fleeced every February 14th.”

“That’s true. Guys are much more in touch with their emotions now I guess.”

“No, that’s not what I said. We’re no more connected to our emotions than before, we just know we have to say “I love you” all the time, it’s a filler for us now. Like,

“Hi honey, I’m going to the store, what do you need? Milk? Okay, love you, see you later.” See? It’s a filler, instead of just saying “bye” I threw in, “love you”. We get free points every time we bounce a “love you” in any conversation. The points rack up, and eventually, we get a payoff.“

“You’re all using “I love you” as a filler? Just to rack up points for sex?”

“Absolutely. Every chance we get. It replaces a lot of things. Like if I make a mistake, I just say, “I screwed up, but hey, you know I love you.” I never have to say that other thing anymore.”

“You mean, “I’m sorry” ? Why are you holding up your hands and making across with your fingers? I’m not a vampire.”

“It’s those words. We don’t say the “S” word.”

“But you can say the “L’ word now - anytime?”

“Yup. The “L” word works, as long as it’s not connected to the “M” word.”

“Yes, but L is just before M in the alphabet. You don’t think that’s just a random coincidence, do you?”

“Up till this very moment, yes Sally, I didn’t think that there was secret message in the L-M order of the alphabet. But now that I’m listening to you, it’s clear that one of us is nuts.”

“So what are you getting Cindy for Valentine’s Day?”

“Flowers and candy, what else?”

“She’s an Island girl. Ditch the candy, go get some crabs.”

“Crabs and roses? Sounds like Guns and Roses.”

“Yes, but minus the drugs.”

“What about candy, crabs and roses?”

“A little short on love points are we?”

“Yeah. I made a small mistake, and blew her engine up yesterday, I didn’t tell her yet. So whaddaya think? Will candy, crabs and roses keep me out of the dog house?”

“Under the circumstances, you better add some drugs after all....”

“She doesn’t do drugs.”

“Well, then you take them. It will distract you from the pain.”

“Pain? She’s not gonna hit me with the crabs is she?”

“Of course not. She wouldn’t waste the crabs. The roses however, will need to be removed by your proctologist.”

“I guess I could break down and use the “S” word.”

“Nope, too late for sorry. You might have to resort to the “M” word...”

“Nah, I’ll just get a new girlfriend.”

“What a prince.”