Valentine’s Day at Jerod's

Louise: “I think, for once, I’m going to get what I actually want this Valentine’s Day.”
Rachel: “What did you ask for?”
Louise: “I’ve been hinting hard for a month now, everytime the Jarod commercial comes on, I tell him how much I’d love one of those string on charm bracelets. I told him, “Make sure you shop at a store that starts with a “J” this year...”. I practically wrote it in magic marker on his private parts, so he’d see it everyday.”
Rachel: “I’m pullin’ for you. But men can miss the most obvious hints. You might be better off to drive him to the store yourself and send him inside with a note pinned to his shirt.”
Louise: “Nah, he can’t blow it this year.”

Valentine's Day
Pete: “Louise, I know you think I’m a dimwit sometimes when it comes to you and your needs, which seem to be as endless as waves in the ocean, but that’s beside the point, anyway....I got your hints loud and clear and I have gifts from the “J” store. Put on your fancy duds, we’re going out to dinner, and we’re going off-Island.”
One hour later...
Louise: “Pete, I’m not sure if eating at the Mexican restaurant that you can see as you get off the North Ferry counts as “off-Island”, I mean, we could have walked here and saved the ferry ticket.”
Pete: “Nope, nothing’s too good for you tonight. I don’t care if I waste a ferry ticket or not, that’s how much I love you. Why don’t you open your present now? There’s two in the box.”
Louise: “Gee, the box is much bigger than I thought. Such pretty paper though.”
Pete: “Here, hand me the paper. Ahhhh, speechless, eh? I told you I went to the “J” store, and you thought I didn’t listen....”
Louise: “Jerry’s Sporting Goods.....the box says, Jerry’s Sporting Goods...”
Pete: “Well, don’t get all choked up yet, go on, open it up.”
Louise: “A fishing rod....”
Pete: “A PINK fishing rod, special order, cost extra. You know how you always want us to have more quality time together? I was thinking of how you complain that all you get to do on the boat is cut bait....well, now you can fish with me. I figure you can cut the bait at home the night before. We’ll be side by side, wishin’ and fishin’. Makes me smile all over. And there’s another gift under that - something you’ll love.”
Louise: “And a Jets nightgown....”
Pete: “I remember how you said you hate those black and red lacy things I usually get? So this year, when I look at you tonight, I’ll see two things I love. Oh, honey, don’t cry. Oh, you’re such a sentimental girl. Isn’t this better than candy and flowers? I bet you never expected this!”
Louise: “No, that’s true, I didn’t see this coming.”
Pete: “See that? After 22 years of marriage, I can still surprise you!”

The day after Valentine’s Day
Rachel: “Did you get it? Did you get the charm bracelet from Jerod’s?”
Louise: “I got a pink fishing rod and a Jets nightgown - both from the “J” store, Jerry’s Sporting Goods....”
Rachel: “Do you want to kill him now or wait till Spring?”
Louise: “Let’s wait till Spring. I can till a nice spot in the garden to bury him.”

Love is Sharing Your Crabs

St. Valentine's Day is different on Shelter Island. All over America, women receive traditional gifts of candy and flowers, but on the Island, other things have greater value.

Here, if a man calls his sweetheart and says he has crabs, it's a good thing. If he calls and says he has mussels, even better; if he calls and says he has crabs and mussels, get ready for a great night. That doesn't mean take a bubble bath and put on sexy lingerie - not here. It means boil some water and put the beer on ice 'cause Daddy's got the goods.

"Hi Mom. George has mussels and crabs. I'll pay you a peck of mussels and two crabs to take the kids tonight."

"Make it three crabs and it's a deal. But why don't you let them stay and turn it into a family dinner?"

"I'm not sharing my crabs with my kids, Mom, they don't deserve it and besides, I want to actually sit down through my whole meal and enjoy it."

"Remember when a private Valentine's Day dinner meant flowers, chocolates and sex?"

"That was before kids, Mom. Now a perfect evening to us means an uninterrupted dinner and "Happy Hour" means a nap."

In mainland America, a woman would not give a man his own slip unless he's a transvestite. On the Island, giving your fella a slip is a good thing. He now has a private parking spot for his boat. If he doesn't have a boat, he'll love getting a slip even more because now he has an excuse to buy a boat, and I know of no better gift for an Island man than an excuse to buy a boat.

"Joe, when are going to fix your roof? You got pots all over the place."

"Can't buy a roof Craig, gotta buy a boat."

"Get real. You need a roof more than you need a boat. If you buy a boat with the roof money your wife will kill you!"

"Craig, she got me a five-year lease for a slip half a mile from this spot."

"You need a new roof and your wife got you a slip? That's beautiful, man. We gotta get you a boat."

"It's big enough for a ketch."

"You better never divorce your wife, Joe, if you do, I got dibs next."

"Are you kidding? This is Shelter Island. A woman who lets a man buy a boat instead of a roof could be auctioned for thousands."

Of course some Islanders still like to go to the mainland for that special Valentine's dinner.

"He's taking me off Island for dinner, so I think the relationship is getting serious."

"Oh Loretta, that's great! Where are you going?"

"Does it matter? I told him I wanted to go off Island for a romantic dinner and he said he made reservations AND he's going to use one of his own ferry tickets."

"Whoa, that is a definite sign of love. Jerry always conveniently forgets his tickets and we have to use mine. It's a trick they all do to save their tickets."

"I know. That's why I think this is a significant step for us."

"Just don't read too much into things, Loretta. Remember when I told Jerry it was our three months anniversary? It reminded him that he needed an oil change. Men just don't think like we do. You have to be very specific about what you want or they just do the minimum needed to keep you in the relationship. What's the name of the restaurant anyway?"

"Claudio's."

"Loretta, that's in Greenport, you can see it from the ferry."

"Greenport? I'll kill him."

"Well, technically, it is off Island. I told you, be specific, especially with the Island boys. Next time tell him you want to have dinner in someplace substantially far away, like maybe, Water Mill."

"He hasn't been farther than Sag Harbor in ages."

"I'm just saying, it's worth a try, Loretta. Tell him that's what you want for next Valentine's Day. That way he'll have lead time to get used to the idea."