St. Valentine's Day is different on Shelter Island. All over America, women receive traditional gifts of candy and flowers, but on the Island, other things have greater value.
Here, if a man calls his sweetheart and says he has crabs, it's a good thing. If he calls and says he has mussels, even better; if he calls and says he has crabs and mussels, get ready for a great night. That doesn't mean take a bubble bath and put on sexy lingerie - not here. It means boil some water and put the beer on ice 'cause Daddy's got the goods.
"Hi Mom. George has mussels and crabs. I'll pay you a peck of mussels and two crabs to take the kids tonight."
"Make it three crabs and it's a deal. But why don't you let them stay and turn it into a family dinner?"
"I'm not sharing my crabs with my kids, Mom, they don't deserve it and besides, I want to actually sit down through my whole meal and enjoy it."
"Remember when a private Valentine's Day dinner meant flowers, chocolates and sex?"
"That was before kids, Mom. Now a perfect evening to us means an uninterrupted dinner and "Happy Hour" means a nap."
In mainland America, a woman would not give a man his own slip unless he's a transvestite. On the Island, giving your fella a slip is a good thing. He now has a private parking spot for his boat. If he doesn't have a boat, he'll love getting a slip even more because now he has an excuse to buy a boat, and I know of no better gift for an Island man than an excuse to buy a boat.
"Joe, when are going to fix your roof? You got pots all over the place."
"Can't buy a roof Craig, gotta buy a boat."
"Get real. You need a roof more than you need a boat. If you buy a boat with the roof money your wife will kill you!"
"Craig, she got me a five-year lease for a slip half a mile from this spot."
"You need a new roof and your wife got you a slip? That's beautiful, man. We gotta get you a boat."
"It's big enough for a ketch."
"You better never divorce your wife, Joe, if you do, I got dibs next."
"Are you kidding? This is Shelter Island. A woman who lets a man buy a boat instead of a roof could be auctioned for thousands."
Of course some Islanders still like to go to the mainland for that special Valentine's dinner.
"He's taking me off Island for dinner, so I think the relationship is getting serious."
"Oh Loretta, that's great! Where are you going?"
"Does it matter? I told him I wanted to go off Island for a romantic dinner and he said he made reservations AND he's going to use one of his own ferry tickets."
"Whoa, that is a definite sign of love. Jerry always conveniently forgets his tickets and we have to use mine. It's a trick they all do to save their tickets."
"I know. That's why I think this is a significant step for us."
"Just don't read too much into things, Loretta. Remember when I told Jerry it was our three months anniversary? It reminded him that he needed an oil change. Men just don't think like we do. You have to be very specific about what you want or they just do the minimum needed to keep you in the relationship. What's the name of the restaurant anyway?"
"Claudio's."
"Loretta, that's in Greenport, you can see it from the ferry."
"Greenport? I'll kill him."
"Well, technically, it is off Island. I told you, be specific, especially with the Island boys. Next time tell him you want to have dinner in someplace substantially far away, like maybe, Water Mill."
"He hasn't been farther than Sag Harbor in ages."
"I'm just saying, it's worth a try, Loretta. Tell him that's what you want for next Valentine's Day. That way he'll have lead time to get used to the idea."
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