Answer Me!

People who ignore you when you speak are being passive aggressive. When someone asks a question, shares some info, or gives direction - do not remain silent and leave the speaker to wonder whether or not you heard them until they finally repeat the question and you yell back, “I heard you the first time!” They would know this if you had ANSWERED them the first time and would not repeat the message.

I hate passive aggressive behavior, it’s cowardly, sneaky, mean spirited, and never leads to resolution, it just further angers the other person. There’s three good ways to deal with passive aggressive behavior: 1} Pretend you didn’t notice what they did or it was insignificant to you. If you don’t get upset then all their efforts to get under you skin were in vain. 2} Get evidence and confront them in front of other people. They fear confrontation - that’s why they’re passive aggressive - and will be mortified to be confronted in public. It will always end with them screaming their denial as they tear out of the driveway, but hey, they’ll think twice (hopefully) before messing with you again. 3} This third option is unique to the Island; feed the rumor mill.

Shelter Island, like most small towns, has five or six Town Criers, people who know everything that’s going on everywhere. They can outwitter Twitter. They know who’s sleeping with whom, who’s going into foreclosure, who’s pregnant - and they can tell you the paternity more accurately than any test! If you really want to get back at someone, sidle up to a Town Crier and casually let it slip that...

“I guess you heard that Mike has herpes simplex - and duplex since it’s in two areas....”
“What do you think Joel’s gonna do with all the money he won at the casino? $100,000 jackpot, that is impressive. I guess all the people he owes are gonna be happy.”
“Do you think Joe’s drinking again?”
“I’m worried about Greg. Is it true he’s dating someone young enough to be his daughter? Every time I see him, he’s holding in his stomach so tight I think his belly button is gonna get caught on his backbone.”
“I saw Mel’s truck in Peggy Smith’s driveway three times this week. You don’t think......nah.”
“Well, Bill sure got a lot of bluefish last week, I counted five.......what? Bluefish season doesn’t start for another two weeks? Well, don’t say nothin’, okay?”
“Sam’s taking viagra. I saw the label when the pharmacist handed it to him. I can’t imagine what for, Nancy’s in Colorado for a month visiting their daughter with the new baby.”
“I saw John was repainting the front of his new riding mower this morning, had blue paint on it.......what? Lou’s new car is blue and it has a dent in it? You don’t think John.... nah.....”

And then there’s the coup de grace, the worst rumor an Islander can start, “I heard he’s trying to resurrect the idea of building a bridge to Sag Harbor.”

Viagra vs. HGTV

“Hi hunny, I got a surprise for you. I redid the bathroom today.”
“Lois, you just did that.”
“No, Brian, that was in the Spring when I decorated it for summer. I redid it today for autumn.”
“Okay, just tell me what I can’t touch, starting with which towels.”
“I made it very easy for you this year. Don’t touch anything with an acorn or oak leaf. The guest towels have the embroidered acorns and oak leaves on them. They’re on top of the new light orange and brown towels that you can use. There’s matching acorn and oak leaf soaps in the soap dish, don’t use them either. You can use the regular soap in the dish in the drawer right next to the sink. There’s also an acorn shaped rug in front of the sink. Don’t stand on it. Stand next to it and lean over if you have to look in the mirror. There’s new potpourri on the back of the toilet, don’t throw used matches in it and set it on fire like last year.”
“Tell me dear, if I built you a second bathroom, could you designate it as a generic, user friendly zone that I could use anytime and use anything in it without fear of breaching that invisible clause in the marriage contract that says “and I swear never to touch guest towels, or anything designed for guests - even though the guests know better than to touch the guest stuff”?
“Are you serious? I’ve been begging for a second bathroom for years, why is it okay now?”
“Well, Lois my sweet, my huggy buggy bear.... I have a surprise for you too. Brace yourself.”
“Let me grab the counter, okay, I’m braced.”
“I had a special talk with the new doc today. We had the “little blue pill talk” and he gave me samples...”
“I didn’t ask you to have the “little blue pill talk” with him, our marriage is good, we don’t need to worry about anything.”
“Maybe for you, but haven’t you .....missed me?”
“Yes, um, sure, absolutely.”
“You don’t sound very happy, Lois, I thought you’d be thrilled.”
“Thrilled, that was the exact word I was looking for, thrilled. Yes, I am thrilled, can’t wait to be more thrilled in fact.”
“And the thrill can last for up to four hours.”
“I’ll kill you.”
“What?”
“I said, will you? I mean, four hours, geez.... that’s like a whole afternoon. A contractor could frame out a new bathroom in an afternoon. So how many pills did you get?”
“Six. I can take them as long as I don’t develop high blood pressure.”
“I see. Well Brian, you call a contractor while I make dinner and later tonight we’ll give those blue pills a test run.”
“Wait a minute, I didn’t say it was definite about a new bathroom.”
“But why wait? Let’s live on the edge for once, and spend some money on something we’ve always wanted, a second bathroom. And I promise never to decorate it. Just you, four walls and a shelf for newspapers. We’ll paint it blue to match the little pill.”
“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get an estimate. What are you making for dinner?”
“Lasagna with extra cheese and extra sausage, asparagus with hollandaise sauce, and cheesecake for dessert.”
“Perfect! Just don’t give me anything that will raise my blood pressure.”
“Of course not. I’ll just record Burn Notice and all my HGTV shows tonight.”
“There you go....sex trumps HGTV any day.”
“I’ll warm you up some fried chicken while you wait for dinner, hunny.”