The Thanksgiving that Was ... But Wasn't Rockwell

What I've always wanted is a Rockwell Thanksgiving, just like in the painting. The food is perfect, all the people seated around the table look kind and polite, all the kids are clean and sitting patiently and perfectly behaved. My mother always wanted that too, and come to think of it, every woman I know wants that - a Rockwell Thanksgiving - just once.

But, it can't be. First of all, nobody, unless you have a chef in the family, can organize all the dishes so that everything is perfect and ready to serve all at the same time. We always have the nutty expectation that we can turn an ordinary kitchen into a culinary palace required to create a feast. We all watch the short cuts on Rachel Ray and it sure looks easy when she does it. But my dinner always looks like a 12-year-girl scout was earning her cooking badge that day. I try to spend extra time on table decorations. A large paper fanned out turkey casts a big shadow on the table to hide the burned pieces in the turnips. I have an orange painted hammer and chisel now on the table to help me serve the stuffing and anything else I overcooked. I also try to serve lots of cheap wine in advance of the dinner, it lulls the victims into a stupor and through the haze of alcohol, even my food is edible.

Then, there's the whole problem of the family members being all together at once. While the alcohol mellows them for the meals, it also seems to jog loose old memories and suddenly I can hear old fights being re-fought. Isn't it amazing that time does not erode grudges? Time erodes love, rusts cars, levels mountains - but wreck a relative's car, and 20 years later, they still bring it up. In those moments, I wonder, WHY do we think being together is a good idea ever? When you spend time with one relative, you can trash the rest of the family, but when everyone is together, you can't say anything bad about anyone... and you even start to wonder if they talk about you when you're not around, nah, that would never happen....

Finally we eat and everyone is well behaved for the five minutes it takes to consume the meal you spent hours to make. After that, somebody at the table says to someone else, "You know what you should do..." It never goes over well, whatever it is, and then everyone starts giving their opinions on how everyone else should live their lives and before you know it, you're running to get the desserts on the table to bring the momentum of the advice monsters lobbing verbal assaults back and forth to an end.

Finally, it's over. Everyone says what a nice time they had and you collapse in your chair swearing you will never host another Thanksgiving dinner again. And that vow always lasts for me until the next October, when the cooking shows give me new hope on how easy it really is to put on a turkey dinner.

Happy Thanksgiving to ALL!