Santa, My Hero!

Don't Give Up The Sleigh!

In 1999 I wrote an article called, “Don’t Give Up the Sleigh!” It’s my most requested reprint article from fellow Islanders and even some off-Islanders. I’ve updated it a few times as I have this year. I’m dedicating this article to the Lion’s Club of Shelter Island. I think they should be called the Lions from Zion, because they are a godsend to many people on this Island. The Lion’s Club and the Churches here on Shelter Island are the most community dedicated groups you can imagine. If you want to know where the Spirit of Christmas lives all year long, it lives here.

I believe there are certain people, things, and ideas that belong to the entire world. Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Einstein, Michaelangelo, Piaf, Pavorotti, all the greats in science and art, are people who belong to the world. The Pyramids, the Statue of Liberty, the Great Wall of China, the Wailing Wall are some things that belong to the world. The Bhagavad-Gita, the teachings of Buddha, the Torah and Talmud, the New Testament, and all venues of positive spiritual enrichment belong to the world. Kwanzaa with it’s focus on family, Chanukah with it’s theme of renewed dedication to that which is holy, Christmas with it’s message of hope, all belong to the world. And I believe, Santa Claus, the person and the idea, belongs to the world too.

We learn about Santa very early. Someone who loves us and brings us a present. We grow up a little and figure out the Santa conspiracy. As teens, we denounce our precious childhood belief. We become “cool” and pretty much know everything by the time we're twenty. It's beyond our comprehension how our dumb relatives can lead such screwed up lives. We'll never repeat their mistakes.

Through our twenties, we shun our families for our friends and lovers. We don't need Santa, or any holiday mishmash. We don’t need any family members enough to overlook their flaws.

We spend our thirties backtracking and correcting all the mistakes we made in our twenties. Most of us are married with children and suddenly we hear our parent's words coming out of our mouths. We worry a lot because there’s way too much month at the end of the money. We have discovered we are flawed. It seems to be easier to forgive others when we need forgiveness ourselves. Some old tape that says, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”, seems to be playing in our heads a lot lately.

Our forties are great, aside from the fact that body parts start heading south. We know we have all of what we need and much of what we want. We realize that money ebbs and flows in life. Money only increases choices. And money doesn't insulate anyone from pain, loneliness or despair. Possessions are just “things”, and things come and go. Forgiveness is easier now, in part from maturity, in part from middle age forgetfulness. It’s hard to keep hating the brother who smashed your car twenty years ago and never paid for it. Yes, he’s still a moron, but he’s the family’s moron and besides, the kids love him.

After we pass the half century mark, what we value most is time. The days are long but the years are short. We can never have one minute of our lives back, ever. There's not always a "next time". We might as well do what we like while it’s still legal. Old dreams come off the shelf. Restore the old car, write the book, see Europe, drink better wine.

You know you’ve grown up when your own opinion is what matters most, finally! Is it really going to matter what someone else thought of anything we did in a hundred years? Nope. You've matured enough to know that you're not better than anyone else, but damn if you ain't just as good.

You rediscover your very own amusing and annoying family. Suddenly the fact that Aunt Ida still uses that cracked, chipped teapot she got in Arizona on her honeymoon in 1942, doesn't bother you like it used to. That she gave her daughter the pretty new teapot you gave her is now understandable. What’s familiar has more value than what’s new.

By now Santa has made a dramatic comeback in your life and you meet him again for the first time. He doesn't dye his hair. He stays married to the same wife. He's fat and wears red. He’s aware of the new movement to reinvent him as a fit and trim man in a red suit. He says you can take your political correctness and shove in your stocking. He’s been fat and jolly since he first opened shop at the North Pole and he is exercising his right as a legendary figure to stay that way.

Santa’s not impressed with technology, he's keeping the sleigh and his way of doing things. You find you need Santa more as an adult than you ever did as a child. You’ve seen enough injustice and tragedy and not enough kindness and miracles.

But Santa is an annual miracle you can depend on. As soon as we hear Bing Crosby sing "White Christmas", we hear the sound of our own back door from childhood, the smell of our own pillow, echoes of our parent's voices. We’d give anything to be eight years old once more and bound down the stairs on Christmas morning and see our disheveled parents in rumpled robes sitting on the couch watching us through a flurry of flying ribbons and paper. Through believing in Santa, we keep those precious memories alive and well. Santa lives in our children’s eyes, in old wrinkled faces, in fat wiggly puppies, good hot chocolate, and unexpected much needed gifts, although not much you need now can be brought down a chimney in a sack.

As for me, I will always believe in Santa and though I no longer need Santa's presents, God above, how I will always need his presence...

God bless us, everyone!

God Bless Joe Horn !

Just a note to say God Bless Joe Horn!
I'm SICK of the pandering to illegal aliens in this country. I'm SICK of the law giving them every break for fear of being labeled 'racist' - how does race figure into this anyway? I'd be just as upset if 20 million Germans were here illegally.
Joe shot two illegal aliens DURING the commission of a crime! HOORAY!!!

Fruitcake - More Than Just A Doorstop

Fruitcake Defense

Every year I hear it, “I hate fruitcake!” “It’s a terrible gift!” “This thing could be a doorstop.” And the ultimate fruitcake insult from Johnny Carson, “I’m convinced there’s only one fruitcake in the world and it just gets passed along from person to person, year after year.”

The earliest reference to fruitcake comes from Roman times when it was used as a wedding cake packed with figs and pomegranates. Fruitcake was popular as a holiday cake and a wedding cake in the Middle Ages.

In the Middle ages, it was a custom for single people to take a slice of the wedding cake home and put it under their pillow to sleep on and the sweetness of the cake would seep into their dreams and reveal the one they would marry, hence the expression, “sweet dreams”. Sounds like a charming tradition to me, except of course for the ants that would come after the cake, but hey, no tradition is perfect. Besides, what’s a ear full of ants when you’re about to dream of your beloved. I’m not sure how the fruitcake revelations squared with the arranged marriages of the time...
“Father, I can’t marry Elmore. I dreamt of a better man coming for me.”
“It’s Elmore you’ll marry daughter, and that’s final!”
“But I don’t love him!”
“This is the middle ages, daughter! We have a life expectancy of 35 years and you’re already 20! I’m 37 and your mother is already gone. Now, Elmore is giving me 2 cows and 6 chickens for you. It’s a good trade. You’re a 2 cow maiden if there ever was one. Think of your little brothers and sisters. Think of the milk and cheese they’ll have if you forgo your existential bid for happiness and simply live a miserable life and succumb to plague like the rest of us.”

In the 1700’s fruitcake survived as teacake in England. Delicious tiny fruitcakes were served with tea. Experimenting with different fruits, spices and shapes for the little cakes was a leisurely pastime and there were even contests and prizes for Best Teacake.

Fruitcake made it to Ireland, again as a special occasion cake for holidays and weddings. Of course, my people added a special ingredient to the fruitcake, to help preserve the fruit of course. One of the earliest recipes for Irish Wedding Cake, from the 1400’s, begins with currants and berries soaked in whiskey for three days. The same recipe ends with pouring “2 ladles of whiskey o’er the cake for flavor and to well preserve it.”

My family still adheres to the adding of a ladle or two of a flavored spirit to a fruitcake just to soften it and of course, to preserve it. I can honestly say no fruitcake has ever spoiled in my home. Matter of fact, I age them for years and they just get better. Of course, you can’t drive after you’ve had my fruitcake.
“Which fruitcake are you serving this year, Sally?”
“I’m thinking of serving one of the 1982’s. That was such a good year.”
“Sounds wonderful. Serve that to the family, give the non-family the 2001.”
“OK. Here, let me open the 1982. Care to smell the cake tin?”
“Ahhhh...... an excellent year.”

Shopping for Rotten Little Kids

Naughty or Nice?

It’s that time of year when we all ask our loved ones, “What do you want for Christmas?” Kids under the age of 12 hand you a detailed list of at least 20 items, plus the stores that sell the items, and give you Map Quest printed directions if you need them. Teenagers only want one thing, but it has to be the most expensive advanced tech thing available and you must sell one of their younger siblings to get it. Adults want a lot of things, mostly practical, but hesitate to say what they want because of the pervasive assumption we all have, that if we can’t afford to get it for ourselves, you can’t afford to get it for us either.

Adults are the ones with the money, so - brace yourself for a radical concept - we can control how much we spend on gifts and for whom. We constantly buy into advertising and get our kids things we’re certain they’ll love, only to watch them make a fort out of the big box it came in, leaving the gift for another day. During a particularly poor Christmas for me, I made my kids a train from series of five progressively smaller boxes. I painted the sides to look like train cars and they absolutely loved it. They rode in the first two cars and their stuffed animal friends rode in the smaller boxes with a beanie baby in the caboose. I gave my daughter a box of ‘dress up’ things that year. She had hats, high heels, boas, and the works. Combined with the train, I think she was the first drag queen railroad conductor. Don’t read this and think, ‘Wow, what a great Mom,’. I wasn’t great at all. I was poor and creative, but it was a really fun Christmas.

Then one year, like watching a snowball getting larger, it hit me. Why are we spending so much hard earned cash on these rotten little kids that drive us nuts all year? If they can be satisfied with a cardboard train, let them have it. This way you can save money for something you actually need, like a new mattress or dresser. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you can’t save enough money just from kids toys savings to get an expensive item like a new dresser. That’s true. That’s why you also shouldn’t buy expensive things for arrogant and unappreciative teenagers.

Teens are smart and they know you have money, so you have to be really clever with them. Nothing will deter them from their goal UNLESS they think the desired item is now ‘uncool’ or a better version is coming out very soon. So look right into their eyes and lie to them, remember turnabout is fair play, tell them the newer version is coming out January 10th. Then ask if they’d rather wait for the newer version (more cool points). They will certainly answer yes. After the holiday, you can say, “Aw gee, guess I was wrong, do you still want the iphone with the golden cover?” When they answer yes, you can get it at a discount in the after Christmas sales thereby saving a lot of money - enough for the one thing that you, as the only hard working and truly deserving person in the house, deserve.

So, make what toys you can for the little ones, finesse the older ones and you can finally get four matching chairs for the dining room. It may sound cold hearted, but come June, when you’d enjoying your matching chairs, or new recliner, you’ll thank me. The alternative is to find yourself in June, sitting on an unmatched chair at the dining room table, looking at the Mastercard bill you’re still paying from Christmas 2007, and asking yourself, “What the hell did I buy?”

Christmas Shopping Procrastination

Tarry Ho’

Thanksgiving, the training wheels holiday for Christmas, is over. Oh, I know Chanukah and Kwanzaa are coming to, but neither of those lovely holiday can compare with the commercial and cultural juggernaut that is Christmas. Retailers put up the Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanzaa decoration in October. Personally, I hate the mixing of holiday decor when they bunch up and rush the holidays like that. I hate seeing skeletons next to a menorah or a manger, it just ain’t right. But now it’s official, shopping season is open, bring on the fruitcake, eggnog and credit card debt. I’m buying only American made products this year.

A lot of people don’t get their shopping mojo in gear until the 24th of December. They always say they’re procrastinating, dawdling, or puttering until the last minute. These words are not interchangeable and I need to straighten everyone out.

First, on the time misusage continuum, we have ‘puttering around’. Puttering is done first thing in the morning. It is not done by “morning” people because they wake up oriented as to who they are, where they are, and what they have to do that day. Puttering is only for those of us who are night owls and are forced to rise in the morning. We putter around getting dressed, grooming, drinking coffee and struggling to remember what the hell it was that we have to get done today. I generally putter for an hour, after which, I go to work, or if I’m not working that day, I begin a session of lallygagging.

Lallygagging isn’t the same as dawdling or procrastination, that comes later. Lallygagging is having a second cup of coffee and reading magazines, books, or watching a morning TV show. Lallygagging is the cadillac of time misusage. You could be doing something productive, like working on a project, but instead, you indulge yourself. After lallygagging, you might be ready to do some Christmas shopping. But if you’re not quite ready, you can commence dawdling.

Dawdling is a fine art. My ex was a dawdler. Dawdling involves getting ready to leave the house, but finding some bizarre problem to fixate on at the last minute that prevents you from leaving. My ex was the best. Once, we were both dressed up to go out to dinner and a movie. It was a movie I picked, because I got to pick every third movie, and I was on high dawdle alert. I had my purse on my arm and we were exiting the house when he decided to check his wallet for money and he suddenly noticed his social security card wasn’t in his wallet. I knew the night was over. I pleaded with him that wherever the card was, it was going to stay there until we got back and he could obsess about it then. But, no, it had to be found immediately. He had downshifted from going to see Moonstruck to dawdling. I went alone, leaving him as he tore up his desk searching for a card he hadn’t seen in years.

Now dillydallying is doing tiny things to hold everyone up. It’s not as annoying as dawdling and takes less time. I dillydally and hold up my family every single time I get in the car, because my car won’t start unless I have lipstick on. Family members have suggested I put on lipstick before I get in the car, but then I might forget to dillydally long enough to check my makeup in the mirror on the visor. So you see, dillydallying can have a constructive purpose for the dillydallyor.

Procrastination is when you definitely have something you must do and you must find a way not to do it. You putter, lallygag, dawdle, dillydally and even goof off, and the good news is, you only have to procrastinate till 3 PM. Three o’clock is too late to begin anything. So, after 3 PM, you can stop procrastinating and advance straight to loafing which you can do till bedtime.

Since it is Christmastime, I like to upgrade my time misusage to ‘tarrying’. Tarrying is loafing and lallygagging with an english accent, fits in perfectly with this time of year.

Thanksgiving and Football > A Bad Mix

I love Thanksgiving. I love the colors of the trees, the snap in the air, the warm up for the big holidays. I miss the family I grew up with at Thanksgiving. My whole family lived within 20 miles of each other and we all gathered at my grandparents house in Sayville for Thanksgiving; 8 adults, 17 first cousins; tons of chaos, it was great. Now, the family is all spread out and so many members are missing, having gone on to their reward. There is no central gathering place anymore. There are no long term married couples anymore, everyone is either between spouses, or with a new one. And what divorce didn’t destroy in the family for Thanksgiving, football did. I remember the men smoking and drinking outside on the back porch while us kids played in the yard after the feast. I remember everyone coming in, all chilled with icy fingers, for dessert of hot chocolate and pumpkin pie and the traditional listening to family stories retold. Now, men grab a plate of turkey dinner, and head for the living room to watch football while they yell at the women to keep the kids quiet and out of the living room. Try as we might to force the family to sit together, at least for a blessing, the men are straining at the bit to get into that living room and get that damn game on.

“Oh gosh, Sally, what have you done to the living room?”
“I’ve adapted, Patty. I covered all the furniture with plastic drop cloths and put a trough on the coffee table in front of the couch. The men don’t want to sit with us and the kids, so I’ve stopped fighting it. I’m no longer making a “kid’s table”, I’m making “men’s table.””
“What are you serving them?”
“Traditional Thanksgiving foods. I’m putting a small turkey I made just for them in the center, with big bowls of mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy, and all the remaining space I’m filling with nachos.”
“Where’s the plates and silverware? I just see big serving spoons and a carving knife.”
“They don’t need or deserve plates. They can just grab a big spoon and shovel the food in their mouths from a common bowl.”
“What about carving the turkey?”
“I figure one guy will carve the white meat and they’ll just rip the bird apart after that.”
“Eeeew! That’s so primitive!”
“I disagree. Ripping meat apart and ladling mashed potatoes and gravy into their mouths is how their ancestors ate. They can all feel like cavemen while they watch a grueling game of football and grunt and shout.”
“After you gonna give them napkins at least?”
“Nah. Napkins are too civilized. I’m leaving disposable baby wipes around. They can throw them on the floor, which is covered with a plastic sheet and when they’re gone I can just gather the whole thing and ditch it.”
“Don’t you think some of them will be insulted by the idea of eating from big bowls in a trough?”
“You’re an only child, right Patty?”
“Yes.”
“I have four brothers. Men always attack food like they haven’t eaten in a week. They’re pigs anyway, I’m just accommodating the reality. Wait and see.”
Four hours later. Patty walks into the living room during the game.
“Hi guys. How is everybody? Can I get you anything? Anybody need a knife or fork? How’s the food?”
Men on couch, “Everything’s fine. You’re blocking the TV. Everything’s fine. We’ll call you if we need anything.”
“Well Patty, are you satisfied? Did I do the right thing setting up a men’s table?”
“They didn’t even notice they were eating from a trough.”
“I rest my case.”
“Unbelievable.”
“More pumpkin pie? I pulled out the good china just for us. Isn’t this a beautiful pattern? It was a Neiman’s exclusive. I just love it.”

Flying Cow Lands on MiniVan

Udderly Implausible

SPOKANE, Washington (Reuters 11/7/07) - A cow plunged from a 200-foot cliff onto the hood of a minivan on a highway in central Washington state, according to police. The police estimated the animal weighed 600 lbs., the average size of a mature cow. It had been missing for two days and wandered 5 miles from home near the popular Lake Chelan tourist area.

“I swear to God, Carol, the cow just fell outta the sky on the van.”
“You talked me into letting you use my van to go deer hunting again - you swear not to mess it up this time but, nooooooo, you destroy it! Now I’m supposed to believe that - not only was it raining cats and dogs - oh no - it was raining cows! Are you kidding me? How am I going to get my insurance to cover that? Is a falling cow an Act of God? Why don’t you call the agent, ask what the deductible is for airborne bovine collision!”
“Carol, I’m serious, babe. Look, call Johnny, it nearly scared him to death, he’ll tell you, it’s the God’s honest truth.”
“Stop it! I’m so sick of this! You make up any excuse you can to go hunting as much as possible so you can avoid spending time with me and the kids! You always come home hungover and deerless, my van stinks of beer and doe urine for weeks, and now, somehow, you’ve crushed the roof of the van, and the best you can come up with is some cow and bull story about being attacked by flying cows in the night in search of hapless deer hunters in minivans. Tell the truth, you got blitzed and you have no idea what happened to the van.”
“Look, we were sober. I was driving. Johnny was opening up a bag of chips when, WHAM! There’s this huge crash on top of the van. I coulda had a heart attack - ever think about that? And then we hear something go ‘thud’ on the ground behind us. We turned around and saw the cow on the road and Johnny called 911.”
“You hit the cow.”
“NO! The cow hit US! The cops said it fell off a cliff.”
“A cow was wondering around and rather than face certain capture and deportation back to the farm, it decided to commit suicide by jumping off the cliff, and it just happened to hit you.”
“Yes.”
“How stupid do you think I am?”
“You’re not stupid, Carol, you married me didn’t you?”
“I think I just answered my own question.”
“Look, I’ll take the van in for repair first think tomorrow. You can drive my Chevy this week. I’ll get a ride to work with Carl.”
“I can’t drive the Chevy.”
“Why not?”
“The left side is crushed in.”
“You had an accident with my car?”
”No. We were driving home from the IGA when we were sideswiped by a rhinoceros.”
“Geez, Carol that’s not even close to a good lie. How the hell did a rhino get on a highway and sideswipe the car?”
“I don’t know, ask the cow, she should’ve had a good view from up on the cliff.”
“Good night, Carol, I’m going to bed.”
“My bed?”
“I guess not. I’ll get some sheets and take the couch.... hey, what’s with these sheets, they smell funny.”
“It’s my new cleaning agent for removing the smell of beer, cigarettes, doe urine, and campfire smoke.”
“Smells like kerosene.”
“Nope. Lighter fluid. Have a good night.”
“You’re killin’ me, Carol, you’re killin’ me.”
“Don’t tempt me......... flying cows.......”

iPod, iPhone, idontcare

Time, time, time, is on my side, yes it is

I have a memory from when I was a very small child of my great grandfather, Clancy Seaman, standing in the kitchen in his LIRR conductor’s uniform, with a vest that had a chain draped from a button hole to a small pocket on the vest. Clancy used a pocket watch as was the custom for his generation. I always thought he looked so proud and dapper in his railroad uniform. I think I fell in love with pocket watches because of that memory.

Pocket watches are novelties now, except for the real antiques, no watchmakers make them and no one uses them. A pity. The wristwatch came into existence in the 1920’s, courtesy of Tiffany’s who made them for the Army and called them tank watches, and we’ve had time on our hands ever since.

If you ever need to know if someone is right or left handed, and you don’t want to ask them, look at their wrist. Right handers wear their watches on their left wrist and vice versa. And if someone forgot to wear their watch on any given day, you know that by the fact that they look at a blank wrist and curse every five minutes all day long.

I noticed that many young people don’t wear watches at all. I asked my daughter why not, and she said, “Cell phones and iPods, Mom. You can set your screen to always show the time. Wearing a watch is for old people, it’s the sign of a TC, Technologically Challenged, that’s you Mom.”
“Yeah, but when you want to know the time, you have to find your phone or peapod in your purse first.”
“No, that’s what phone chains are for,” she said as she showed me her cell phone on a tiny tether to the strap of her purse.
“What’s the little seahorse and beads for?” I asked, observing that they were also attached to the phone.
“Phone charms.”
“Phone charms?”
“Jewelry for your phone. Should be a natural concept for you, oh Mother with whose breathalyzer test would show a blood glitter level of 2%.”

Using your phone as a timekeeper, jewelry for the phone, a leash for the phone, apparently an entire subculture centered around cell phones and their new role as timekeeping devices has been blossoming without my knowledge or consent.
“Maybe I should get one of these iPhones on TV,” I said.
“You don’t even have a cell phone, Mom, you aren’t ready or qualified to own an iPhone. You know they play music, right?”
“In your ear, while you’re talking? That’s terrible!”
“No, it combines a cell phone with an iPod, you know, the thing you call my ‘pea pod’.”
“Does it have a clock in it too?”
“Yes Mom. Not only does it tell time, you can set an alarm, and there’s a mini program that sends a signal to your coffeepot to start brewing and turns your TV on to a preprogrammed station.”
“Well, that’s convenient.”
“No, Mom, I’m joking.”
”Oh, it doesn’t tell time and play music?”
“Just forget it, Mom.”

Not long after that conversation, my daughter started a job and all of a sudden, started wearing a wrist watch.
“What happened to wrist watches being old fashioned?” I asked.
“Mom, be practical, I can’t look at my phone all day.”
“So, does this mean I’m smart after all?”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Mother.”
“Admit it, I am smart sometimes!”
“Keep it up and I’ll start talking about CD burners and wireless remotes and Bluetooth! Then we’ll see how smart you are!”
“Oh yeah? I got a hundred embarrassing pictures of you from childhood, they’re going up on YouLube.com today! What’s so funny?”

Eliot Spitzer Gives Licences to ILLEGALS !!!

I campaigned and voted for Eliot Spitzer because I believed he was listening to the citizens of New York. Now he is giving Driver’s Licenses to people who are here illegally and creating (from CNN.com) an "enhanced driver's license [for citizens] that will be as secure as a passport and can be used for voter ID. It would be voluntary and available for a small extra fee.” . Eliot is giving illegal aliens drivers licenses despite polls running 87% against it from New Yorkers. He is completely ignoring the voters he represents and is catering to a group he does not represent, can’t tax, can’t make accountable for anything. He has completely restored my belief that there isn’t a decent politician in this country.

As long as Spitzer is going to make regular citizens pay extra for an “enhanced” license that can still be used for voter ID purposes, I thought.... Shelter Island is always looking for revenue generating ideas....we have our own vanity license plates, maybe we can charge for an “enhanced, enhanced license” to drive on Shelter Island! I even thought of a test.

The Shelter Island Written Driving Test

In addition to all the standard Drivers Test questions, you must answer these.

1] Spell the name of the preserve that covers one third of the Island.
2] Translate the following: 1bdrm/1 bthrm apt. $900/mo OS, $6000/mo MD-LD.
No pts, no smkg, no chldrn. No util; No plyng ld msc; no prtys; no sx on frnt lwn.
3] How many pecks in a bushel? How many clams can you get without a permit?
4] If you own a truck, how many people per month do you have to help move something?
5] How many bottles of water and how much food is recommended to take with you if you’re going to be in the North
Ferry line on a Friday during the summer?
6] What is the minimum amount of nice, reusable, items you have to have left at the dump in order to live here year round?
7] On a map of SI, can you point out where the unmarked road is to Shell Beach?
8] Are you prepared to commit to having a magnetic map of SI on the back or your car or a SI Vanity plate?
(You have to have one or the other, or no license for you!)
9] Are you prepared to help defend Shelter Island against an invasion from Ram Island, in the event that global warming
raises the water on their side first?
10] Are you prepared to beat the residents of Greenport or Sag Harbor with beach chairs, or whatever you can grab, in the
event they try to build a bridge here?
11] Name three big Island families and at least 36 ways they are interrelated.
12] If you own a boat, how many times per month can you use it for your own selfish pleasure without inviting anyone else
along? (Just remember, making payments on the boat, renting the dock space, buying all the deck equipment, does not necessarily make it “your” boat.)
13] If you’re traveling north from the South Ferry at 32 mph, and your friend is traveling south from the North Ferry
at 27 mph, what will the weather be in China next Tuesday?
14] In the event of any reason we all have to gather at the school overnight, what are the most important things to bring?
(Blankets, beer and cigarettes are a given, what else is important?)
15] When driving by the library and you see a really annoying child tied to the tree in front of the library do you;
A} Report the parent for child abuse.
B} Point out the child to your children and say, “See what happens?”
C} Go up the the child and study the knot that is holding him so well.

Thank you for taking the Shelter Island Driving Test. Please remit a fee of $55 to Shelter Island in care of the Sally Flynn Jewelry Fund. Thank you.

Meerkat Manor Flower Power!

A Mom, by any other name.....

I’m a movie person, I don’t watch many network TV shows. I’ve never seen Seinfeld or Cheers or Raymond, but I’m nuts over Animal Planet’s show, “Meerkat Manor”. The star of the show is the dominant female, Flower.

Cambridge University has been studying meerkats in the African Kalahari desert for over ten years. Meerkats are unique in that they are one of the most cooperative mammals on the planets. There is so much we can learn from them.

#1 They share babysitting duties, only the dominant female has pups, and all the adult females in the gang (a family of meerkats is called a gang) lactate with her to share the nursing detail. Damn fine idea if you ask me. I don’t know how many times I wished I could go somewhere without the baby or a breast pump.

#2 Flower ran a gang of forty, all her and her partner Zaphod’s offspring. Like elephants, dolphins and lions, all the females in the group are related. Males are driven off when they mature. Only selected non-related males are allowed in the gang for breeding purposes. There’s another fine idea from the meerkats, once young males are mature, bit them on the tail until they leave the burrow. If you don’t they’ll just make trouble.

#3 Every morning, Flower designated a babysitter adult to stay with the babies, and then led the gang out on a foraging trip for food. That’s right - why take those annoying kids with you when you food shop? Leave them in the burrow with a sitter and get out there and get that IGA foraging done in half the time.

#4 Nutritional awareness; Flower would bring the young meerkats along and teach them what to eat. Once, while six weeks pregnant with her next brood, she worked hard to catch a fat millipede and held it in place while the kids gnawed on it. What mother can’t relate to that?

#5 Love in the afternoon; I have to say there was when Flower disappointed me. She had a thing for Carlos, a renegade male from the Zappa gang. A couple of times they met for a tryst in the the scrub. It’s clear to me that some of her pups were his. I don’t think she ever told Zaphod. And if he knew, he was too much of an upstanding meerkat to let on. I guess all females have a weakness for those bad boys in the bush.

#6 Move it! Flower moved the gang over thirty times last year whenever the burrow got over run with parasites and meerkat droppings. How smart is that? Why clean the house over and over? Get up, grab the babies by the scruff of the neck and move to another burrow. While you’re gone, the dung beetles will completely clean out you home and you can rotate back to a clean burrow in a few months. I love the way meerkats think!

#7 No means NO! Whenever Flower had a rebellious daughter, she booted her out of the gang. In order to get back in the group, the daughter would have to go to extreme measures to show submission and obedience to her mother. Like bringing her fresh scorpions and grubs, and biting all the fleas and ticks off of her back. I’m telling you, Flower had it going on.

#8 I’m only telling you ONCE. Flower gave the call to come or go and nipped anyone who had to be told twice. Seems harsh, but with forty children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, it’s a really good policy. Who has time to individually chase the stragglers? If the kids don’t come when called and get picked up by an owl for dinner, they have no one to blame but themselves.

Sadly, last week, Flower, the mighty and daring dominant female of the Whiskers gang died after being bitten by a cobra while defending her pups. What a meerkat, what a Mom. Rest in peace Flower.

Leave the Kids in the Cave !!!

Parental Time Off for Good Behavior

“AUSTIN, Texas - Three students rescued after spending 30 hours inside a cave they were exploring gave searchers a guide to find them: a trail of leaves they deliberately left behind.”

“Ms Flynn, great news! We found your kids. They’re in a cave, they left a trail of leaves for us to follow to get them. You must be so relieved!”
“Oh, sure Sheriff. Of course I’m thrilled. It’s been so quiet and peaceful here this weekend without them though..... Are you sure they’re all right?”
“Yes. The rescuers left food and drinks, flashlights, at key locations in the tunnels during the search and they disappeared, so I’m sure they’re fine.”
“That’s nice that you got some food to them. So, now that they’ve had a little snack, maybe they’d like to do some more exploring before they come home. I mean, it must be a lovely cave, they went to a lot of trouble to find it.”
“I thought you went in a panic about them being missing - isn’t that why you called 911?”
“No, that wasn’t me, must have been one of the other parents.”
“What - you’re not worried about your kids being lost in a cave?”
“But that’s just it, they’re not really lost. We know where the cave is and you said they left a trail of leaves to show them the way out of the windy cave, and gee, what could go wrong there?”
“Ms Flynn, I’m getting the impression you don’t want them home.”
“Well, not so much that I don’t want the little darlings home as I’d just like a little more time off. I read in National Geographic that people can get very adapted to living in the dark. I was thinking, if I leave food at the entrance, they could play in the cave for another five, six days...I could really get the house cleaned without them traipsing around, plus get into their rooms and route out whatever it is that is living under their beds and eating socks.”
“Most parents would be thrilled to have their children home with them.”
“Most parents don’t have my children. Have you met them? My daughter could make Mother Theresa homicidal. And my son? Stubborn, rigid - concrete slabs are less rigid than my son. They could use a few days in a cave.”
“But surely you miss them?”
“I have pictures.”
“Don’t you miss hearing their voices?”
“Neither of them speak to me.”
“Maybe you could work on being a better parent so they would speak to you.”
“I got a thousand dollars says you can’t spend 24 hours in that cave with two teenagers without losing your mind or using your gun.”
“I’ll take that bet, and I’ll leave my gun here.”
“Trust me, take the gun.”

The next day.
“How did it go Sheriff? How was it?”
“How can your daughter complain about the way the rocks are arranged in a cave?”
“She’s a teen, she can complain about anything. It’s some kinda gift.”
“Your son knows every species that lives in the cave.”
“Uh-huh.”
“He knows what they eat, where they live, what their mating habits are, what music they live - and he tells you. And if you interrupt him, he starts over at the beginning. He starts over and over until you listen to the entire lecture without interruption. And your daughter complains in the background. She refuses all suggestions and just keeps complaining. I’m so glad I didn’t take the gun.”
“Hey, listen, thanks for giving me an extra day of peace. I’ll go pick them up later.”
“No, you can’t get them later. It’ll take at least a day for the rescue crew to dig them out of the cave in. We’ll go tomorrow.”
“Cave in?”
“I was running away from your daughter when my shoulder brushed against the main support beam and caused a slight collapse.”
“Wow! ‘bout time I caught a lucky break.”

Sex in the Men's Room

No Moon for the Misbegotten

I’m so happy I could burst. Thanks to Senator Craig, I now know that there is free, anonymous sex available in bathrooms through the land! You just have to memorize the signals in the right progressive order. I am all over this...

“Sally, what are you doing in here? This is the Men’s Room.”
“Hey, Joe, I’m here for the anonymous sex. I know the signals, I’m tapping my foot, see?”
“This is Shelter Island, Sally, we all know you. You can’t have anonymous sex here. As a matter of fact, it’s going to be all over the Island that you were in the Men’s Room.”
“But I already cleaned out and decorated a nice stall, look.”
“Okay, it’s nice that you painted the inside of the stall to cover the graffiti, but the pink isn’t going to work.”
“And the toilet seat, see, new.”
“A lucite toilet seat with sea shells in it, very nice. But really, I think you’re missing the point. You don’t want anonymous sex with some stranger.”
“Of course not. I thought, if I could just get a man in here, I could throw the latch and maybe we could talk a little, I have some wine chilling in the bowl in a big ziplock bag, you know, just to keep it sanitary. Then, if things go well, I could fix a little dinner by the sink. We could sit by the window over looking the parking lot and watch who leaves with whom.”
“Very thoughtful. But the bathroom sex thing, it’s gay sex.”
“Well sure, almost any kind of sex makes you happy!”
“No, the other gay.”
“Can’t homosexual people use the word homosexual? I want gay to mean gay again, I get confused otherwise.”
“Well, you’re the only one. Now what’s this out here by the window?”
“I told you, I could make a little dinner. I set up these folding chair and this little table. Nice fabric tablecloth, matching napkins. Simple, but nice. And look, I covered all the urinals with the same fabric, looks like a row of canopies. Gives the place a little cafe atmosphere, don’t you think?”
“Yes, but what if a man comes in and wants to use the urinal?”
“Oh, he can pee outside, you all do anyway.”
“That’s true. But I just think all this effort is not going to have the effect you want.”
“Oh yeah? Just watch, first, I get in my stall.”
“Sally, what’s this note on the outside of the door that reads, “Please look inside, are any of the $100 bills yours?”
“It’s bait.”
“It’s entrapment.”
“No it’s not, not unless I use the handcuffs and chain them to me.”
“So, it’s true then, it’s that bad out there for middle aged women?”
“Finding a available, straight, breathing man now? Like a finding a honest politician. But I have run across one possibility on Island. He’s handsome, pretty beat up, but still looks good in his wheelchair.”
“And that’s a catch?”
“Oh sure, it’s a great advantage to have a man in a wheelchair. If you hide his chair, he has to sit and listen to you plus, and at this age, and this is the biggie, he has a handicap parking sticker.”
“I understand. At my age, I’m happy if she looks good, but home cooking is a turn on. Plus conversation.”
“Ah yes, amazing isn’t it, it takes us all this long to realize what a treasure intelligent conversation is.”
“Well, there you go, Sal, you can offer intelligent conversation.”
“No, I’m too dense for that. I get them with linguini and lasagna.”
“But not in a bathroom.”
“Oh, all right... not in a bathroom. I guest I’ll pack up and leave.”
“I’ll help you carry this stuff out.”

The next day in the grocery store;
“And I saw Sally and Joe coming out of the Men’s Room together. I just think a hotel room would have been more romantic, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Yeah, but you know her. She’s always been a little odd.”
“No, nuts. She’s always been nuts. But Joe? Geez, I thought he had taste...”

Better Living Through Chemistry and Vicodan

The Trifecta of Pain

Three of my four brothers work in construction and like all construction guys, they minimize any injury and ailment to the point of the ridiculous. If a construction guy saws off his leg, he’ll throw it in the cooler, duct tape the stump, and keep working, that’s the expectation. I see it all over the Island, all the time. I don’t know if any of the workmen on Shelter Island know that duct taping a wad of insulation over a gash isn’t sanitary. They all have fractured fingers now and then and they all splint the broken finger by duct taping it to the next strongest finger. They don’t even go to the doctor for an xray anymore.
“Hey, Donnie, sawed off your leg?”
“Yeah. No biggie. I’ll swing by the doc’s after work. But I still got my knee, so I can finish the flooring before I leave.”

You can imagine my shock when one of my macho brothers started missing work because of crippling migraines. I knew they were crippling because nothing less would keep him from going to work. I suggested going to the doctor several times. But construction guys only see the doc for traumatic amputations and possibly if they missed with the nail gun and now cannot remove their hat or other articles of clothing. Pain is not discussed because they are impervious to pain. Pain is only felt by the weak. Pain is in the non-construction world. No mere headache pain could possibly be enough reason to see a physician!

Finally, after battling these migraines for about five months, he gave in and went to the doctor. Turns out, our systems change with age and for some people, certain foods and combinations thereof, trigger migraines. Who knew?
“So, how did it go at the doctor’s?” I asked.
He listed the top ten foods most likely to trigger a migraine and said, “I told the doc, of the top ten Avoid foods, I ate seven of them this weekend. And the doc just said, “Well, there’s your headache.” “.
I looked at the list and sure enough, everything he loves is on the list.

As the oldest and wisest sibling in my family, I should be mature and always lead by example. Kind words should waft from my lips like gently falling autumn leaves.

“What a moron! I can’t believe you ate all the foods that make a migraine! Especially the cheese, liverwurst, chocolate, you ate the trifecta of pain!”

“Thank you for the support.”

“Look at all the foods on this list! Coffee cake, sourdough bread, corned beef, beer, bacon, pickles.... you could open a restaurant with all this. We could call it, Migraine Cafe, or how about Chez Migraine?”

“Not funny.”

“Good evening, Mr. Flynn. I’ll be your server tonight. Would you like to start with something to give you light sensitivity and mild nausea? We have some excellent specials this evening for three day pounders. We also have a dieter’s plate for just a half day headache.”

“You’re sadistic. If I wasn’t so mellowed from the pain shot, I’d get up and beat you.”

“And we have the Crippler’s Platter, our special; featuring bacon, sausage, hot dogs, smoked and aged cheeses, all kinds of nuts and super rich chocolates. Our chef developed this dish himself and says it will give you a migraine to remember and you won’t be able to go out in the sun for six months.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” he asked.

“Remember that time you blew pollen in my face on purpose and I had a terrible asthma attack? And you and laughed because I couldn’t even talk?”

“No.”

“How could not remember? You tried to kill me.”

“We were always trying to kill you. That was out job. We were the creepy little brothers.”

“Ah-hah! Not so funny now, eh, Mr. “Give Me Vicodan, or Give Me Death!” Not so funny to be in distress and have your siblings make it worse.“

“I was seven when I did that to you.”

“No excuse.”

“That was forty years ago!”

“Forty, schmorty! I’m ripping the blinds off your windows and taking my revenge!”

“Is this what you women call an ‘issue’? Can’t you dump this on some talk show somewhere and leave me alone? Can’t you see I’m in pain?”

“Ohhhhh, please, I’m just gettin' warmed up....”

I HATE School Concerts !

I hate school concerts. To me they are sheer torture, hours of it. Yet, if I didn't attend those horrible concerts, I'd be branded a bad parent.

Take our Shelter Island School Concerts, please. Each and every concert is four hours of indescribable sounds and is always an experience one never forgets. I have indelible memories of those concerts. I frequently sat near another parent named James, our kids were in the same grade.
“Sally, I can see the earplugs. Take them out. That’s cheating. We all have to listen to every note that is played or sung.”
“Please, I need them. Just for the second grade portion, then I promise to take them out.”
“No. There’s a tolerance curve involved here. Getting through the first graders makes the second graders sound better and the effect is progressive. If you skip a grade, then, when you do take the earplugs out, your brain will explode.”
“Alright. But don’t leave me.”
“We’re all here, Sally. This whole auditorium is filled with parents and grandparents, whose devotion I think is exceptional.”
“Oh, don’t let those grandparents fool you. They’re all turning off their hearing aids. Watch. See how they discreetly reach up like they’re scratching their ears? They aren’t kidding me.”
“What song are the third graders singing, James?”
“I can’t make it out. Just smile, damn you.”
“What key are they in?”
“All of them, now smile!”
“How long do I have to hold this smile, my cheeks are starting to hurt.”
“When you have to rest from smiling, look down slightly, and dab an imaginary tear from your eye. That’s allowed. Your kid will think you were so moved you cried.”
“That works?”
“Oh yeah. Works great. My kids think I’m the greatest Dad in the world.”
“Do you think it has anything to do with giving them money and spoiling them?”
“Nah. It’s the tear thing. They think you really love them if you cry when you watch them.”
“Well, I’m always crying by the end of these concerts.”
“Yeah, but Sally, it’s not the same. You run for the exit screaming, “Let me out! Please God, I’ll do anything.” It took four parents to stop you the last time and frankly we’re tired of it. If we have to stay, you have to stay. We don’t want to cause any psychological damage and have these kids appear on Jerry Springer complaining about us.”
“I bet Perlman parents don’t have to go through this.”
“Sure they do, but with speeches added on the front end.”
“Oh no, not speeches!”
“Yep. Be glad for what you have. Besides, someday, these kids will grow up, have kids of their own and they’ll have to sit in these very seats and go through this too.”
“Poetic justice.”
“And we’ll be the grandparents sitting behind all the parents.”
“With our hearing aids off.”
“And iPods in.”
“Listening to the Moody Blues.....I love it.”

Heat and Homicide 101

If You Can’t Take the Heat, Move to Alaska

It happens to all of us at one time. The power fails, the air conditioner goes out and somewhere in the back of our minds, we think, “How did people survive without air conditioning? What did they do?” When I was kid, we went swimming while our mothers parked in front of fans, or we all went to the movies to sit in a cool for two hours. But what did they do a hundred years ago?

I pondered this for a while. And then it hit me. Guns. Gun ownership was common and everyone had basic firearms knowledge and skill. My own grandparents who left Los Angeles after the big earthquake of 1932, crossed the United States in a Model T Ford (top speed 40 mph), with my six month old mother in a laundry basket, a cat named Heiny Wertzschitzel, a rifle, and a Colt .45. They shot and ate game along the way. Grammie carried the Colt when she had to improvise a privvy behind a tree.

Gram had to use it once, when she and a bull startled each other behind some sagebrush. Makes you really appreciate the advantage of indoor plumbing; you worry about kids barging in, but rarely livestock. I never complained about my kids disturbing me in the bathroom in front of my grandmother. Any woman who has shot at a bull from a squatting position cannot be beat in the bathroom complaint department.

July 12, 1876

In a courtroom, somewhere on the American Frontier

“Mrs. O’Malley, will you please tell the court why you shot your husband in the leg?”
“Yes, yer Lordship. Well, sir, it was Tuesday, me candle and soap makin’ day. Hot enough to make Hell seem cool, it was. There I was yer Honor, bent over the tub dipping candles, halfway done I was, when Himself comes up behind me and tries to exercise his due, if you take my meanin’”
“Yes, Mrs. O’Malley, the court understands. But why was it necessary to shoot him?”
“Well, he’s a very insistent man, he is.”
“Wouldn’t a simple “no” suffice, Madame?”
“I gave him a simple “no” yer Lordship and he stopped.”
“Well then WHY did you shoot the man?”
“He doesn’t like the “no” yer Honor, sir. And to spite me, he brought down a whole line of washin’. Down into the dirt. Half days work, lying in the dirt and sun. I was already half crazy from the heat. Then he looked over at the rope where me finished candles hung... I knew what he was thinkin’ so I thought I’d better give him somethin’ else to consider. And that’s when I shot him.”
“Mrs. O’Malley, this is the third summer you’ve shot your husband. Don’t you ever worry that you’ll miss him?”
“Never, yer Honor. I’m a good shot. I take care to aim low and I haven’t missed him once.”
“We are frustrated with you, Madame. Every summer you shoot your husband and every summer we send you to jail. Your sentence will be three weeks this time since your husband wants to drop the charges and is begging for any early release, something about not wanting to be alone with your eight children.”
“Couldn’t you sentence me to a full month, yer Lordship? 30 days is a nice round number. I’m sure I deserve it.”
“Now, why would you want to be in jail another whole week?”
“Well, yer Honor, Maureen Murphy started her sentence last week for winging her Joe, and tomorrow you’ll be trying Kathleen O’Doud. She’s hoping to get at least three weeks in jail, but I told her not to get her hopes up, it’s only her first shot at her man and you can’t get much for a grazin’. Anyway, we’d all like to have some time together to finish a wedding quilt for Moira Kinney, she’s to wed Henry McGill in the fall. So you see, yer Honor, you’d be doing something lovely for them.”
“I suppose she’ll be before me next summer for shooting at her husband.”
“No, Sir, we’re not giving Moira a gun for her shower, or as a wedding gift.”
“Oh, pray tell, why not Mrs. O’Malley?”
“She’s not like the rest of us, yer Honor. She’s a got bad temper. We’re all worried about how she’ll be in the heat when she’s got a husband and young ones tuggin’ at her.”
“SHE has a bad temper? Thank you, Mrs. O’Malley. Thank you for helping me decide to accept a position in Maine.”
“Not a’tall, yer Honor, not a’tall.”

God Bless America!

What a Difference a Date Makes..

Many of the Fourth of July fireworks and celebrations have been scheduled for the weekend of the 7th and 8th of July, just like many St. Patrick’s Days parades were held the following weekend. This is annoying the hell out of me.

Here’s my beef. I can allow the observation of holidays like Washington or Lincoln’s birthdays to be attached to a weekend because there’s no specific activity linked to these holidays. But holidays that have activities attached to them are date specific, not time released and it is not okay with me to push their celebration to the closest weekend to insure that retailers make maximum sales.

For instance, the FOURTH of July should be observed on the FOURTH of July. Call me old fashioned, but whenever I think of the Fourth of July, I think of a day in July occurring between the 3rd and the 5th. I looked at my calendar closely and I see that there is not a second 4th in July, there’s just the one. Say what you will, St. Patrick’s Day parades do not feel the same on the 20th and Fourth of July fireworks do not feel the same on the 7th. I know these observances are moved to extend weekends and increase retail sales, but honestly, it detaches us from the soul of the day.

“When are you getting Joe from the airport, Betty?”
“On Tuesday.”
“Isn’t that Christmas Day? The airport will be hell.”
“Well, it is the 25th, but we’re observing it on Friday the 28th. Kwanzaa celebration starts the next day and goes through till New Years Day which will fall on the 4th of January the following Monday. It’s really smart and just easier to have the holidays line up to start on a Friday and go straight through till the whole week and end on a Monday.”
“But why not celebrate Christmas on the 25th?”
“Because you can’t tell where the 25th is going to fall from one year to the next and you don’t want your holidays starting in the middle of a week. This way, we all know the holidays will start on the last Friday of the year regardless of the calendar date. Besides, it’s the spirit of the thing that counts.”
“It’s the spirit of the thing I’m talking about. Christmas won’t feel the same on the 28th.”
“Sure it will. A day is just a day. It’s just numbers on the Gregorian calendar. You know that the years and months were adjusted by Pope Gregory and Pope Leo centuries before him. No one know what day Jesus was born. Experts say it was probably in October.”
“But the 25th is traditional.”
“Traditions change. There is a first time for all things. Like the Fourth of July, it gets celebrated on the first Saturday following the 4th now, with the following Monday off and everybody likes it. You’ll get used to the new tradition. The super sales start the weekend before, perfect for shopping.”
“I don’t like it. It’s just not right. I want “the night before Christmas when all through the house” to be on the 24th. I want Christmas morning on Christmas morning and I want fireworks for the Fourth of July to occur on the day of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which we can prove was on the Fourth of July because they all signed and dated the document.”
“That’s what the signers claim, but was it notarized? Don’t you think a document important enough to start a country should have been notarized?”
“No. I don’t even think they had notaries then.”
“See? No legal validation for the Fourth of July at all. No reason we can’t move it where we want on the calendar.”
“This whole thing feels like a pine cone in my pants. No matter how I shift, I just can’t get comfortable.”
“Here drink this eggnog. The liquor store had a great Christmas sale on rum and this is delicious.”
“I’m not sure if inebriation will solve this dilemma, Betty.”
“Nonsense! Inebriation will definitely solve this. Just stay plastered until New Year’s Day and you won’t feel a thing.”
“Maybe I should just stay drunk till Valentine’s Day on the 14th of February?”
“Actually, we’re observing that on Friday the 16th.”

Women in the Army, Mother and Daughter

How You Gonna Keep ‘Em Down On The Farm?

My daughter, Chenoa, recently completed a hitch in the Army and is home from Georgia for the summer while she plans her next big adventure. From what I can see, she left the Army with two things. First, an annoying southern accent. I’m not too worried about that because with a little nonstop nagging, I can convert her back to her native tongue, an annoying New York accent, so that’s covered. The other thing she brought home is a boatload of wisdom she is sharing with me.

“Mom, a good work ethic is really important. You have to show up on time, identify the mission and keep a good attitude.”
“Really? I never thought of that.”
“And know your responsibilities.”
“Be responsible? Wait, this is getting good. Let me get a pencil, I gotta write this down.”
“Speak clearly to the people you work with. Don’t be afraid to exercise your vocabulary and articulate precisely what you want to say.”
“Vocabulary, speak clearly, get exercise, got it. What else did the Army teach you?”
“Organization helps a lot, Mom. Organize your home and work environment to serve the mission. Decide where things should live and return them to that spot when you’re done using them.”
“Ah, sort of like when I’d always yell at you to, “put it back where you found it”. “
“I’ll show you how to organize a closet, Mom. Similar things go together.”
“Like in my closet?”
“Yeah, now that I think if it.”
“Be patient with people. That’s very important. Not everybody comprehends or works at the same speed.”
“Oh yes, the importance of being patient, like if you were raising a rebellious teenage daughter?”
“Yes, but you didn’t have that. I wasn’t rebellious. Mom? Mom! Are you all right? Let me help you get up in the chair. Why are you grabbing your chest? Do you want me to call 911?”
“No, I’m okay. I just thought I heard you say you weren’t rebellious. I flashed on the time you ran away from home for a month when you were 16.”
“Oh, that. That’s ancient history. It wasn’t like I was an ongoing problem child. What are you doing now? Why are you wedging that knife between the counter tops? You’re not a Roman General, Mother, you don’t need to fall on your steak knife, I get the point. So, maybe I had a few problems with authority. I think I’m over it now. Besides, while I was in the Army, you really seem to have grown as a human being. You’re so different now from when I was a teenager.”
“In a good way I hope?”
“Yeah, very good. For one thing, you’re funny and interesting to talk to. It’s like your personality bloomed while I was away.”
“Right. I really didn’t have any personality before. This is all new, I just got it. I bought a “21 Days to a New You” personality course from late night TV and completed it just before you got home.”
“Well didn’t the Army teach YOU anything when you were in?”
“Not much really, just responsibility, work ethic, focus, organization, patience and such. Things I tried to pass along to my children.”
“You see that, Mom, the Army taught us both a lot. We have more in common now.”
“Yep. Whoda thunk it?”

"Awareness" Ribbons - I'm confused!

Tie a ribbon around this...

I don’t know if it’s a function of increasing age, peri-menopause or the ebbing of my ‘cool’ factor, but I’m losing track of my Ribbon Identity Publicly Officially For Factor, a.k.a., RIP OFF.

When Tony Orlando and Dawn had that hit in the 70’s “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree”, we all started tying yellow ribbons around trees, oak and non-oak for soldiers returning from Viet Nam. Gradually, everybody was tying yellow ribbons around trees everywhere to signal they missed someone. It was very sweet , politically correct and cool all at the same time.

At some point, somebody decided to make the statement portable by making a small yellow ribbon into a pin you could wear to make everyone who saw you aware that you were waiting for someone. It was always a conversation starter.

Then, I think it was Breast Cancer that joined in next and we all had to wear pink ribbons to remember our breasts, and to remember every October, to bring them to a place with squash pans to have them compressed into discs. So, now we were wearing yellow ribbons for returning loved ones and pink ribbons for our boobs. I was still okay with it and even bought the pen that Avon sold with a pink ribbon on the clasp for $4.99.

The ribbons have evolved into metal enamel jewelry pins. There are yellow pins, pink, lavender, rainbow, stars and stripes, white, purple, dark blue, light blue, jigsaw pieces, and I’ve forgotten the other colors and patterns I’ve seen.

I feel lost because I have completely lost track of what all the colors mean after yellow and pink. I know I’m the only one. It’s worrying me because now there are big magnetic ribbons on the backs of cars and I have no idea what they support. Sometimes I’d like to ask, but when I’ve done that in the past, I’ve gotten much more information than I want. And you can’t shut someone up by taking the big magnetic ribbon off the back of their car and smacking them across the face with it a few times, saying, “I just wanted to know the time, not how the clock works,” it’s considered by some to be rude.

So I’m going to create a plaid ribbon with every color I can imagine represented. That way we can all just wear a plaid ribbon to signify that some problem somewhere is bothering us enough to think that wearing a plaid enamel ribbon pin will help the situation. I’m going to call it the “One for all and all for one” plaid ribbon special. This pin will cover all causes except for the sea foam green pin that will represent Shelter Island and our own local causes.

So, just plaid and sea foam green ribbons from now on. Okay, and maybe a red ribbon pin. I don’t think any group has claimed the color red, and that’s my favorite color, so that ribbon will be just for me. If you wear a red ribbon, that means you’re on my team. Oh, and what about turquoise, such a lovely color....

Life on Shelter Island

“I had one like that, but I left it at the goody pile.”

Summer is in full swing. The tourists are touring, the bicyclists are blocking traffic, all the cars are being locked in the IGA parking lot. Locals never lock our cars here. It’s a little faith test we go through. If we lock our cars, it means we don’t trust our neighbors and that makes us like the rest of New York, so we don’t lock as a matter of principle. It’s a moot point for me since my van now has one window that is all the way up and won’t go down and the other window is all the way down and won’t go up. I never worry about it. I figure, anyone who steals a seventeen year old minivan stocked with beach shells, old Happy Meal toys and towels, has very low self esteem or is severely mentally challenged. I’ll have to get a newer car soon, but for now, Buttercup (all my cars have names) has to get me through this Summer at least. I never really notice how old she is until I park someplace that’s loaded with newer cars.

Last week, Buttercup and I went to the elegant Pridwin and had a delicious lunch of fresh sea bass. I had been invited to speak at the Women’s Community Club of Shelter Island annual luncheon. An amazing group of women with excellent taste and judgment but for their choice of me as a speaker. One of the ladies, whose name escapes me, talked to me about the fact that the newer residents (summer and year round) need to get more involved in this community by joining groups like this one, or maybe our wonderful League of Women’s Voters, or any one of the groups that are here “on Island” , to speak in the lvenacular.

She’s was so right. What makes a community is exposure to each other, to our lives, problems, goals and such. The trick is to know how much of yourself you can expose without going over the legal, or lethal limit. So I came up with a few guidelines to follow. Consider these when you are joining an Island group and they ask that innocent sounding, but deadly question, “Tell us a little about yourself?” The key word is ‘little’. Say as little as you can.

1] Anything you did under the age of 18 that is not Honor Society related, or has to do with rescuing cats from trees, is under the legal limit for exposure, so don’t say anything.

2] On Shelter Island, and I mean ESPECIALLY on Shelter Island, you never slept with anyone but your spouse. Revelations here will not only be over the legal limit, but will be over the lethal limit as well.

3] Don’t expose any secrets. Anyone who has lived on Shelter Island more than six years has at least three secrets that they must take to the grave. And the number gets bigger every year you live here. I’m up to five secrets now and I’m thinking of purchasing a sixth from a friend who has a surplus. Everyone knows that secrets and rumors have a ripple effect when revealed. What’s different here is that anything you unleash, however fascinating and juicy, will always, eventually, ripple back around to you.

4] “I was just picking up a check for a charity.” Memorize this phrase if you’re going to live here. Every man and most of the women on this Island, can identify you by your car. You will be asked over and over, “I saw your car at (fill in the blank), what were you doing there?” Answer: “I was just picking up a check for a charity.” You won’t believe the number of times this will save your ass and your reputation.

5] “I had one like that, but I left it at the goody pile.” This is the other phrase you have to memorize. When you are asked, “Wasn’t that your jacket I saw wadded up on Joe and Susan’s boat? Isn’t she in Ohio visiting her mother?” When you are asked, “Was that your husband acting like an idiot at The Dory with those college girls?” Your answer to any potentially dangerous question is: “I had one like that, but I left it at the goody pile.” (The goody pile is a big table at our town dump where useful items are left for anyone to pick up.)

So, there it is. I hope new residents think of joining some of our terrific local groups and really allowing themselves to be knit into the fabric of the community. Just remember my guidelines and you should do well.

Paris Hilton Goes to Jail Island Style

Paris in June

Well, today’s the big day, the day we’ve all been worried about, Paris Hilton starts her twenty one day jail sentence for driving drunk without a license while having her license suspended for driving drunk without a license. I’ve been up all night worrying about her. Since we lost Anna Nicole, it falls upon Paris to be our official worthless celebrity slut. Her every move must be documented and reported to keep us from stressful news like the increased US naval maneuvers in the gulf guarding the increased exports of Iraqi oil by Halliburton/Exxon. Lite and trite beats might and fight when it comes to news broadcasting.

Thinking about the punishment Paris has to endure got me to thinking, Shelter Island (my home island off the east coast) is always looking for ways to increase revenues. What if we ran a Sheltered Celebrity Shelter? Then important celebrities could do their “time” here and we wouldn’t even have to build a separate building for them, just assign them to live with a local family.

“You have to get up, Paris.”
“What? It’s only 7 a.m.!”
“Yea, but it’s summertime. We have to get to the IGA by 8:30 to get a good parking spot and get out while it’s still cool. The cool only lasts until 10 AM. We gotta shop, get home and unpack the groceries.”
“Why don’t we go tonight if you’re so worried about the heat?”
“IGA closes at 6 PM.”
“So we’ll go somewhere else.”
“Nowhere to go. It’s the only grocery store on the Island. Except for Fedi’s which is our version of 7/11, but it closes at 7 PM.”
“How can you live here?”
“After we bring in the groceries and unpack, we have to organize the garbage and recycle.”
“What do you mean, organize the garbage?”
“We have to separate the all the recyclables; glass, plastics, paper, from the non-recyclable garbage.”
“That’s so sick. Can’t the garbage men separate that stuff at the curb when they pick it up?”
“There’s no garbage pick up here.”
“What? How do you get rid of your garbage?”
“We take it all to the dump ourselves and put all the recycle in the appropriate bins. It’s very exciting. You meet everybody at the dump and get to talk to lots of people.”
“Ewww! That’s is whack! Tell me the truth, I’m in hell aren’t I?”
“And the non-recyclable garbage has to be bagged in special yellow Town Bag that we buy at the store.”
“Why does your garbage need to be in special bags?”
“The sale of the bags pays for the operation of the dump.”
“Can’t the bags pay for garbage men too?”
“No. Then we’d have to charge more and the bags are pricey enough as it is.”
“When my father sends my money, I’ll buy you a garbage truck. Wake me when the mail comes.”
“No mail delivery, Paris. We all pick up our mail at the Post Office. We can do that after the dumps. We’ll run into the same group at the Post Office as at the dumps because we all do things in a pattern and we all empty the garbage out of our cars before we pick up packages.”
“Great, I’m doing time in Green Acres. Well, after the shopping and the dumps and the Post Office, can we at least go shopping?”
“Sure! We have a few stores.”
“How few is few?”
“Umm, Cornucopia, Bliss’ and Jack’s Marina.”
“How many floors in Cornucopia?”
“One. One floor, one room.”
“Which is the shoe store?”
“Well, Bliss’ has Topsiders.”
“Topsiders? Are they Italian?”
“No, practical.”
“Did you say a marina?”
“Yes, Jack’s has marine supplies and toys, puzzles, and games.”
“Of course! When I think “toys”, I always think, “marina”.”
“I’m going to need to hit a good liquor store tonight and get some tequila after today.”
“Both liquor stores close by 7 PM. Who are you calling on your cell?”
“My lawyer. Shhhh. Hi, this is Paris. Get me off this island that time forgot! Get me in a real jail, puhleez!”
“Oh, Paris, don’t go. It’s not so bad once you get used to it.”
“Why would I want to get used to this? You people are insane!”
“No, but it helps.”

Lease a Man

Please Re-Lease, Don’t Let Me Go.....

I have a coworker who is young, thin, beautiful and intelligent, but I like her in spite of her faults. The first time I saw her she was wearing pants that appeared to be spray painted on, with strange curved seams. I thought it was a new fashion.

Last week, I looked over at her desk and she had a framed picture of a HORSE on her desk. I thought that was weird. Then I looked above and she had several pictures of the horse on her bulletin board. I commented that she must really love her horse. She said she did and added that he was leased.

“Leased?” I asked incredulously. “You can lease a horse?”
“Yeah. That way you can trade up for a better horse as your riding skills increase.”

I’ve heard of leasing cars, but a horse? A living thing? Initially, I thought this was off the map of logic.... but then again.....that’s where I live.

“Well, why don’t you just leave him?”
“I would Mom, but why bother? His lease is up in a few months and I can trade up.”
“Oh, I keep forgetting the new Male Marital Lease Laws. We were always stuck with them you know, for years and years, until we went through an expensive divorce. Now, you kids just have to wait till the lease is up. I think it’s wonderful.”
“I have my eye on this really nice man I saw in Sag Harbor. I think he’ll be available to lease just as I’m free.”
“Is it a trade up, honey?”
“Oh, yeah Mom. He has a better job than this one. I checked his bank statements. It will take me five years to max out his credit.”
“That’s so nice. We haven’t been on a real shopping trip in a long time. Do you have to have relations with him?”
“Yeah, they always expect it. But you only have to be good at it for about six months. By then I’ll have us in a new house and he’ll have to work two jobs to make the mortgage, he’ll be too tired to bother me.”
“And what about the kids darling?”
“I’m trading them in too. I’m sick of their attitudes and their messes.”
“Are you going to get more, or be childless for awhile?”
“Childless for this next Marriage Lease, Mom. I want to relax for this one. After this I might lease some kids who are just about ready to leave for college. They’re a lot more expensive, but you only have to see them at holidays.”
“Your sister just got a new husband.”
“What? She didn’t tell me!”
“Well, she wasn’t really looking. She was just visiting her friend Sherry in the city, on a shopping spree when they walked by a restaurant. She saw him in a window and just had to have him.”
“She has a real problem with impulse leasing... I hope this doesn’t end up like the last one. Those early turn in fees really killed her finances.”
“Oh, that construction guy. Wasn’t he something?”
“Who knew the human body could produce so many sounds and smells? He was gross. I never understood why she kept him as long as she did.”
“You’ll understand when you’re a little older, dear. Sometimes it’s just easier to keep a man that’s already broken in to all your likes and dislikes. He was gross, but remember how he used to rub her feet and cook for her?”
“Yes, I remember. Why can’t you get everything you want in one man?”
“You can’t, baby. That's why the new lease law is so nice. You get some of what you want with every man and leasing really works better with your life because you need a different kind of man at different stages.”
“Thank goodness for President Clinton, Mom. I know you didn’t vote for her, but you have to admit, she sure has come through for the girls team!”

Pissed Off Pilot!

Maybe he should have used a Palm Pilot....

AP Sat, Apr 7 Las Vegas: A Northwest Airlines flight was canceled because the pilot was yelling obscenities during a cell phone conversation while people were boarding, and cursed one passenger, a federal official said Saturday.
The pilot of the Las Vegas-to-Detroit flight was apparently in a heated cell phone conversation in the cockpit, then went into a lavatory, locked the door and continued the conversation, ..."Passengers who were boarding the aircraft could hear his end of it." Authorities were told that the pilot cursed one passenger who confronted him. There were 180 passengers and five crew on the flight to Detroit. ...Passengers were accommodated on other flights to their destinations. They also were given meals and hotels during any additional time in Las Vegas.

“Julia, I cannot have this conversation NOW! You know I’m already on board!
Well, can’t it wait till I get there? It’s only a two hour flight. Why are you crying? Don’t cry Julie, what did you do? WHAT IS IT, JUST SAY IT FOR F...K’S SAKE!”

“Captain, please.... you need to keep it down.”

“Fine! I’ll go in the bathroom! Will that make you happy?”

“Sir, just keep it down... the passengers....”

“Scr...the passengers!” Slam!

“Okay Julie, I’m in the can. Just spit it out!
What about my car? You’re talking about the Chevy right? Not the Porsche. You didn’t drive my Porsche, right?
Julie...JULIA! Repeat after me....I did NOT drive the Porsche. Just say it!
Ahhhhhh, noooooo, not my new car..........what were you thinking?
Well, if you weren’t driving it who was?
Roger? Roger who? Roger Wilcox? My co-pilot? Are your sh....g me? I’ll kill him!
Wait a minute... what was he doing driving my car? Why is he at the house? Is that why he’s not on this flight with me now? Because he’s there?
He’s there NOW? No, don’t put him on the phone - tell me WHY he’s THERE Julie!
What problems? We aren’t having any problems....since when?
Where were you and Roger going in my new car when he drove it through the back wall of the garage?
Of course I’m shouting, you slut! You’re leaving me in MY new car????
(Knocking at the door) “Captain, I really hate to disturb you, but.....”

“Good! Then don’t!” Slam!

“Julie, so help me God, you better be there when I get home and Roger too so I can kill him!”

(Sheriff arrives on board, addressing Head Flight Attendant) “I don’t know, Officer... something about killing someone named Roger. He sounds really upset.”

“This is the Sheriff! Open the door, Captain! Okay, let’s hear your story, Mac”

“911? Hello again. This is Margaret Johnson, the Head Flight Attendant, we just spoke. Yes, the Sheriff came. Yes, they talked for a few minutes. I don’t know, now they’re both trying to fit in the bathroom and scream at the person on the other end of that cell phone. Something about a broken porch on the garage...”

Coloring Easter Eggs and Homicidal Ideation

Every Bunny Loves Some Bunny Sometime

“WHY do I have to do this, Shelly?”
“Because you’re a parent, Joe. Now sit down and when she comes in, look interested.”
“I can’t look interested in coloring eggs. This dye is going to get all over my fingers and I’m going to have to go to work with multicolor fingers tomorrow.”
“Man up, will ya? The dye won’t touch your fingers if you use this wire dipper.”
“This flimsy thing? This won’t support an egg...my father didn’t color eggs. We did this with our mother.”
“You are sooo not getting out of this.....”
“What’s all this stuff?”
“This is the Deluxe Easter Egg Decoration Kit. Stickers and wax crayons, so she can design, the dye doesn’t take where wax is.”
“You’re not serious. When did they add all this crap?”
“It’s not crap. It’s Easter Egg art. It encourages creativity in children. If you don’t encourage your daughter’s creativity, she’ll be on Oprah in ten years complaining how you stifled her.”
“Not if we sell her to Sudanese slavers first....”
“Tried it already, they want too much to take her....”
“What are these strips for?”
You hook them together, reinforce them with tape and they create a little stand for the egg.”
“A stand? I thought we were just going to throw them in a basket?”
“Some eggs are so beautiful, they get their own stand. You just have to ooooo and aaaaahhhh.”
“Yuck and bleecckk are out? Shouldn’t she learn early to handle the truth?”
“She is our child, Joe. Truth will never be part of our relationship, just lying, manipulating, and empty threats. And we can expect the same from her.”
“What happened to honestly, love, kindness, Shelly? All the stuff in the psycho books?”
“That’s overrated. It’s just to sell books. Don’t think for one minute that they have it any more together than we do. Besides, the people who wrote those books have never lived in this house. How long do you think a stranger could stand our delightful Catherine?”
“Catherine the greatest six year old lying con artist on the planet?”
“That’s the one....”
“Maybe we should send her to them as a test case.”
“Good idea in theory, Joe, but Dr Phil, the current psycho king, has only raised boys. He thinks girls are innocent, sweet, and guileless.”
“Please can we send him Catherine? So he can have a learning experience?”
“No, Joe, it’s too cruel. I don’t want to watch him drink hemlock on his show. But it might knock Anna Nicole Smith out of the news....”
“What’s the latest on her? Is she still dead?”
“Yes, but she was buried with a camera, so we get regular reports on all the networks.”
“Oh, thank Gawd.”
“Alright... we’ve got six colors in six cups, three dipping things, stands, crayons, stickers, paper towels, and two dozen eggs. I think we’re ready for Catherine. Call her in, Joe.”
“Can I have a shot before I get her?”
“No liquor Joe, not now. We’ll have drink after it’s over. I have the pre-prepared Pina Colada mix in the blender in the fridge. Let her in.”
“Hey Catherine! Where’s my Easter bunny?”
“Daddy!!!”
“Hey, look ...we got everything ready....eggs, pretty colors, stickers...we’re going to dye Easter Eggs this morning! This’ll be fun!”
“This is stupid ! I hate real eggs ! They smell ! I told Mommy - I just want chocolate bunnys and chocolate easter eggs. Don’t you ever listen to me? You’re not good parents. Patty has nice parents. Her parents bought already-decorated eggs. They didn’t make her do it herself! They don’t treat her like a slave! I don’t know why they can’t adopt me!”
“NO! SHELLY! STOP! Put down the toaster oven! Catherine, go to your room! You’ve upset your mother. Put it down, baby.... she isn’t worth it....that’s my girl...let go of the toaster.....you just sit here. I’ll get the Pina Colada’s.”
“I spent the last two hours boiling eggs, Joe. Setting up cups, melting dye tabs...”
“I know, I know....listen, we’ll sit here and color eggs together. Just you and me, okay?”
“Okay, I don’t care.”
“Sure....don’t cry, baby... look, I’ll put one egg in each cup to get us started. We’ll turn this into a nice morning.”
“What about.....HER?”
“Don’t think about HER. She’ll be gone in twelve years. We just have to hang on.”
“We shouldn’t have drinks at ten o’clock in the morning.”
”It’s that or we kill the child, Shelly.”
“Make it a tall one, Joe.”

The Men of Shelter Island

How Ya Gonna Keep Em Down On The Farm?

Sat Mar 24, 2007 TORONTO (Reuters) By Jonathan Spicer - Real men don't pose for the cover of a Harlequin romance. And that's something the publisher wants to change.
Marleah Stout, Representative of Harlequin Enterprises, the world's biggest publisher of romance novel series said, "We're looking for some guys that are not your usual models, but have that iconic look that women go for -- sexy, sensitive, beautiful and fit," said Harlequin spokeswoman, who attended the open casting.
"We want real men ... exactly what you think in your mind when you're fantasizing or imagining that ideal man."
Toronto-based Harlequin, a division of newspaper group Torstar Corp., sold 131 million books in 94 countries last year. It estimates that a third of American women have read at least one of its titles.

“And what group do you represent, sir?”
“We’re the men from Shelter Island. We’re here to be the new models for your Romance novel covers.”
“All of you?”
“Yes, of course. Is there a problem?”
“Well, there’s twenty of you....and we have certain criteria. I don’t want to be rude, but there’s certain things we require, like hair...”
“Hair? Oh, we got hair! Gerry! Show the lady your back! Look at that! You ever see back hair like that in your life? Looks like he’s wearing a sweater!”
“I see. Uh, well, we also want six pack abs. I don’t see anything like that here.”
“Ooooh, Miss... six pack abs? You’ve come to the right place. Johnny! C’mere and bring the beer out of the ice chest in the car. Now watch this. Okay John, you and Bill, show this nice lady how you can balance a six pack on your stomachs. Look at that.... now that’s talent! Bet ya never seen nothin’ like that before!”
“No, I can honestly say I haven’t. What are those tattoos with the erratic pattern that you all have?”
“Maps of Shelter Island. Island man has to have an Island tattoo. The women all have magnetic maps on their cars. Some wear necklaces of the map. It’s sacred to us. Look. Here’s the Heights... this is Ram Island, and of course, Little Ram, and here’s Coecles Harbor...”
“Stop! I got it! I don’t want to see anything else. Look, I’m sure you’re all nice men. But we need a certain type. Romantic and rugged, that’s what women want.”
“Romantic and rugged? Why didn’t you say so? Joe, get the drills from the toolbox. Joe and me, being sensitive artists in our souls, realized a while ago that different drills have different pitches and David here, sings opera. Joe and me are going to play a little Turandot on Bosch and David’s gonna sing Nessum Dorma. You’re gonna love it.”
“Thank you, that was so special. I never heard the power tool arrangement before. The truth is, you’re just too sexy for our covers. You might overwhelm the women of America.”
”We know. We overwhelm our women on the Island. It was their idea for us to come here.”
“Really? Let me have a phone number. Let me do a conference call with them.”
“Sure.. I get it. You want to work out our fees with them....close the deal, eh?”
“Yeah, that’s it.”

“Hi. Is everybody on the line? This is Cheryl Hinch with Harlequin. Whose idea was it to send the husbands to our audition? Okay, somebody has to stop laughing and talk to me.”
Voice 1: “I won the pool! You called us within an hour!”
Cheryl: “Very funny! How am I gonna get rid of them? They think they’ve got ‘it’ going on.”
Voice 2: “We know, we know. We were just hoping somebody could bring them a little closer to reality.”
Cheryl: “Bringing your guys closer to reality could be a federal grant project. I don’t have time for this. I’ll put the leader on the phone and you can tell them to come home.”
Voice 4: “For how much?”
Cheryl: “Blackmail? You’re blackmailing me to get rid of these guys?”
Voice 1: “Send them home with Chanel bags and Gucci shoes, or we leave them with you.”

“Well boys, it wasn’t a total loss. We had a nice day off island and geez, wait till the wives see these consolation prizes we got; bags, shoes, champagnes, chocolates, Broadway tickets....it’s the jackpot for us tonight! Who knew we were this hot? Next year, more of us will go in. They love us! Maybe we’ll do a calendar....”