The Evolution of the Beach Basket

It takes years of experience to know what you really need at the beach. Remembering back to my youth without scaring myself to death or naming any names, I recall how my beach baskets changed with time.

1960’s: big towels, Sun-In hair bleach, baby oil for tanning, transitor radio - tuned to 77WABC because the DJ, Cousin Brucie, would time your tan and say, “Okay, for you girls on the beach, it’s been fifteen minutes, time to turn over.” We basted ourselves in baby oil and turned on an imaginary spit on our towels to achieve the perfect tan. Sunblock did not exist. If you burned, you slathered on Noxema. Yoohoo in glass bottles with a bottle opener. Bologna sandwiches on Wonderbread. The bikini was just beginning to appear, but only sluts wore them. Cool sunglasses and floppy hat with Peter Maxx design. I love going to the beach. I love the peace, the beauty, I don’t mind the sand sticking to the baby oil on my body.

1970’s: big towels, Sun-In hair bleach and Love’s Baby Soft lotion instead of baby oil. Some expensive lotion from France arrived, called Ban de Soleil, and now there were vicious rumors circulating that we should not baste ourselves with oils, nor bask in the sun, something about skin cancer. Everyone wore a two piece, so now we had to tan our middles, skin cancer or no skin cancer, we had to be evenly tanned. Noxema, Fresca’s with the pull tabs on top so you can make pull tab necklaces on the beach. Hostess cupcakes (two in a pack), Devil Dogs and Slim Jim's. Cool sunglasses and brim hat with scarf. I love the beach. I never feel better than when I’m near the water.

1980’s: blanket from home that is on its last legs and beach towels that are brightly colored, but much thinner and with a shorter life than the beach towels of yesteryear. Suddenly there’s a man in my life and somehow, once we got married, he lost all his skills at being an independent adult. Now I have to pack beer and salami & cheese sandwiches. Worse than that, children have shown up claiming that I’m their mother and they have the papers on me to prove it. My two piece bikini has been retired and I’m back in a one piece, a Jansen with a formed cup bra. I have become my mother. I am dipping my small celtic children in 50 sunblock because they will burn if they are exposed to fireworks... The beach is too much work. I can’t track two kids on the beach. I tried just grabbing any little kid that ran close to me, figuring someone would grab one of mine and we could switch in the parking lot maybe, or maybe not - but everyone seems to want their own kids and no one wants any extras. I had cool glasses until I sat on them. My hair is a sun blown wreck. The beach is no longer fun. It’s where I get to do everything I have to do at home, but with sand.

1990’s We are no longer going to the beach unless we can drive up in a Winnebago and have it catered. My children are bratty monsters. Nothing pleases them. I am weighing the pros and cons of prison time against beating them into submission. Everyone has a cell phone with them on the beach, why? Aren’t they here to get away from everything and everyone? I hate listening to all the one-sided conversations. At least with two people in the flesh you can hear the whole argument and takes sides.

2000: Back to the beach. The children grew into people with brains and are considerate of others. I have no idea how this happened. I now spread an old comforter down and sit in a folding chair. I have a book in my beach basket, a book I can read without interruption. I have some kind of guilt free healthy drink and I am wearing sunblock, which sort of defeats to purpose of being in the sun, but I’m just choosing to live with the contradiction. I am in a one piece bathing suit that looks drapey on the outside but has an inner lattice work of struts and straps that rival the Eiffel Tower for uplifting engineering. I still refuse to buy a cell phone. Unless I’m on the list to receive a donated organ, I’m not granting the world access to me at the beach. I have genuine imitation Chanel sunglasses because at dusk, when the sun is directly in a passerby’s eyes, and if the passerby has had a few drinks, I might pass for Jackie O from the sunglasses up.

The Cat Days of July

The Dog Days of August aren’t even here and the thermometer is already getting too close to that dreaded third digit....the unthinkable concept of 100 degree heat with 98% humidity, so I have decided that all days over 95 degrees in July shall be known as the Cat Days of July. The Cat Days of July will not only be as bad as the Dog Days of August, but worse because there’ll be no cooling September to look forward to, no hint of promise of October weather to come. Just days of sweltering heat that cause the core body temperature to rise and the brain stem to heat up and fill the brain with thoughts that under any other circumstances would be rejected by your normal logical self, but in the Cat Days of July and the Dog Days of August, almost anything can make perfect sense.

“Honey, I was thinking, if we skip the new roof, we can get a boat this summer and get out in the bay breezes and not be locked in the house running the air conditioner all day. What do you think, Betty?”
“A new boat. You’ve been wanting a new boat. I know I’ve been saying no, but it’s too hot to remember why I said no. Are you sure it was just because I wanted a new roof since the ceiling plaster in the kitchen has more rings than a redwood tree?”
“Yeah, I think so. It’s too hot to remember all your objections, after a while your arguments against me just sort of blur together into one big homicidal rage.”
“I’m too hot to recall all the reasons I should kill or divorce you either. Tell me more about the boat, will it have a cabin? I want a cabin that sleeps two so we can anchor out at night and not get eaten up by mosquitoes. I don’t want one that sleeps four or the kids will try to come with us.”
“Cabin? We can have a cabin if we crack into the kid’s college funds. They don’t really need them. We worked our way through school, it would be good for their character if they had to work like we did.”
“Yes, it would, wouldn’t it, Joe? I’m sick of them hammering at me constantly to take them off Island because they’re bored every day want to do something like shop at the mall or go to a movie. Yeah, let them work through college and buy their own cars to get off Island. Why should we waste a ferry ticket on seeing Avatar for the third time? We like living on Island exactly because there’s no, ah, no...”
“Nothing to do, no nothing to create traffic, no entertainment, no big stores, no drive thru anything. It’s still like it always was. Except that we can have boat and escape all the things that aren’t here to do.”
“That make’s perfect sense, Joe. Let’s go to the bank now. I’ll keep the car running with the A/C on and drop you off at the door. Signal from the window when you’re ready for pickup and I’ll pull up to the step and get you.”
“We can get a boat, really?”
“Yes, but let’s hurry before I remember why I said no. I don’t want to say no about anything ever again, it’s too hot to fight.”
“I’m calling Jack now. He’ll give me a good price on his cruiser and we can be on the water, under a canopy by noon. I love you, Betty.”
“I don’t have the energy to pack lunch, we’ll grab what we need at the store.”
“Anything you say, honey.”
“Let’s go, Joe, it’s 9 AM and 82 degrees already, and there’s a sauna in my pants.”

Keeping Your Cool

How did we survive without air conditioning? We didn’t have air conditioning anywhere I can recall when I was a kid except at the movies and high end stores. Not even the library. None of the schools had air conditioning. I remember the teachers opening the tops of huge windows with a long rod that would tilt the big upper windows inward, then opening the bottom windows as high as they’d go. We might be allowed to have a fan in the room on the really bad days, other than that we just sweltered as we studied, we didn’t have the energy to organize a rebellion. It was too hot to do anything, even to think. Looking back now, as bad as I remember it for us kids, it had to be worse on the adults.

I believe there is a direct inverse ratio to a persons age and their ability to endure the heat. The younger you are, the more you can endure. The older you are, the closer you move your lazy-boy to the air conditioner. To be cool is to be calm. To be cool is to not lose your temper because someone is running the water in the kitchen just a few seconds longer than you do while performing the same task.
“How long are you going to run that water, Louise? How much does it take to boil corn?”
“I have to clean the pot first, Dad. We steamed clams in it yesterday and it has all those little clams bits stuck to the sides.”
”Well, hurry up! We don’t need to be running up the water bill, the electric is going to be bad enough this month. Speaking of which, did you get the mail today?”
“No. Mom picked it up when she went to the store.”
“Well tell her to bring it to me. Tell her I know the water and LIPA-suction bill came and tell her there’s no sense in hiding them from me.”
“Okay, Dad, just let me get this water on the stove. I have to go outside and shuck the corn. When I see Mom, I’ll tell her you want her.”
“I don’t want her, I just want the mail.”
‘You want a cold beer, Dad?”
“At ten in the morning?”
“It’s supposed to go to 97 degrees today. Mom bought you some Guinness Lite.”
“She knows I drink Bud and she bought me Guinness? Was she in a fender bender?”
“No, everything is fine. She just thought, on such a hot day, you’d like the good stuff.”
“Did she buy the beer before or after she picked up the mail? And look at me when you answer.”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“Liar. Where’s your mother?”
“Geez, you can already feel the heat coming on. I’ll get you a brew. Mom got you some shrimp too, it’s on ice in a tupperware bowl, but I think it’s chilled enough to eat now. Why not live it up a little and have a shrimp brunch?”
“She bought shrimp too? How big is the water and electric bill, Louise?”
“Daddy, please don’t put me in the middle. I won’t be able to find Mom until you’ve had your second beer.”
“I won’t yell at you or your mother or your sisters and your ....your ....hairdryers, hair straighteners, hair curling irons, phone chargers, stereos, computers, television sets, video games boxes, Tivo’s, Schmebos, or any other completely unessential electronic that runs up the bill. I won’t even start on the length of time it seems to take one of you to shower or brush your teeth, or how many times a day I hear the washing machine go on.”
“Daddy, your face is bright red. Do you want a beer or a Xanex? I’m not getting Mom until we have you sedated, I mean, until you are in a more relaxed state. It’s just money, it’s not worth having a heart attack over.”
“What was that clunk? Oh geez, Louise! My air conditioner went out!”
”Oh Gawd! Mom! Sharon! Paula! Get in here NOW! Dad’s air conditioner just died! Don’t worry Dad, we’ll get you in Paula’s car, she has the coldest A/C and we’ll pack frozen peas around your neck. Paula will get you over to the library. Sharon and I will run off Island and get you a new A/C. You don’t worry about a thing.”
“My air conditioner.....I can’t breathe...”
“The new high end air conditioners have remote controls, Daddy, just think about that.”
“A remote for my A/C? You’d get that for your old Dad?”
“Yes, Dad. Just hold that happy thought. See yourself in your chair with a TV, DVD and a new remote for your A/C in just a few hours from now. Three remote controls, all for you.”
“Can I have my beer now? I can get one down on the way to the library.”
“Yes, Daddy, we’ll start your medication in the car.”

And that is why American’s say, “Whatever happens, don’t lose your cool.”

Shelter Island Barbecue Season

A Man For All Seasons

Shelter Island has four seasons; Christmas and/ or Holiday of your choice, Spring Planting; Barbecue; and Deer Hunting. The Fourth of July marks the beginning of barbecue season. I believe that barbecue season has been around the longest because there’s something about raw meat and fire that goes back to the first man and certainly the first inhabitants of Shelter Island.

Year 1762, an nice sunny summer’s day
“Running Deer wants us to come over for barbecue tonight. He says bring that fat possum you caught and he wants me to make corn pudding.”
“Why should I bring my possum? He never has any meat except shellfish and that’s only because they can’t run. I don’t know why they call him Running Deer, all he manages to do is run them off. He should’ve been named Spooking Deer or just Clam Digger.”
“Be nice, he’s your brother. You know he was never fast, Rips Off Antlers, the Chief just gave him the name Running Deer to make him feel better.”
“Yeah, I know, part of the No Brave Left Behind Program...”
“I’ll pack and carry the baby, can you carry the food? It’s midmorning, we’d better get started if we want to get before dusk.”
“And that’s another thing - why does he have to live all the way across the Island?”
“He likes his privacy, besides if he lives too close, he aggravates you when he borrows your stuff.”
“Yeah, like my best bow. Oh man, you know how long it took me to make that bow? It was a beauty, a work of art. I let him use it once and that son of a .....”
“Honey, please, I didn’t mean to get you started on the bow. Just get the possum and let’s go.”

Year 2010, a nice sunny summer’s day
“Bill, Joe and Susan want us to come over for barbecue. He wants you to stop and get franks, the kosher kind, and pork chops. I made German potato salad with chopped eggs and bacon.”
“I don’t like it with eggs. Can’t you just make regular potato salad?” And how come I always have to get the pork chops?”
“He got all the barbecue stuff. As far as the salad, everyone else likes it with eggs.”
“Okay, so can you make me one without eggs?”
“Can we stop at IGA on the way and buy it?”
“I don’t want the store potato salad, I want yours, it tastes better homemade.”
“Ah, c’mon Bill, that’ll take another hour to make!”
“You said you cooked all the time for your first husband. If you could cook extra for that moron, you can cook for me.”
“Yeah but I traded up when I married you. I got him from the No Bachelor Left Behind Program and he was the last one because he was such an OCD pain in the neck. And you’re not like that. You’re wonderful, you never make me go through unnecessary effort just to please you. You are always willing compromise and go with the flow. That’s what I love about you......are you buying all this so far?”
“Yes if we can have sex tonight.”
“All right, sex is on the menu as long as you stop at three beers which is your Cain limit.”
“My Cain limit?”
“Yes, every man has a drinking limit when he’s sure he Cain, but he just ain’t Abel.”

Fourth of July 2010

Oh beautiful for spacious skies...

How did we get conned into arriving at airports two hours early to volunteer for body searches and have all our possessions rifled through? Benjamin Franklin said, "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

For amber waves of grain...

We found out what’s killing the bees; genetically engineered plants have pesticides in their DNA and it’s killing the bees when they eat the pollen. So, what’s it doing to us? Plus, I’m a little concerned that Albert Einstein said the planet can only survive four years without bees.

For purple mountains majesty...

Unless of course unless they have an profitable ore, then they're coming gown.

Above the fruited plains...

But who needs bees when we can clone fruit?

America, America, God shed his grace on thee...

And yet, we let one atheist, who doesn’t even have kids, get rid our prayer in schools. I recall having moments of silence in school to pray because of a national loss or local tragedy and a pastor was always present to help with a dedication or celebration. And I still think Christmas vacation was a lot more fun than Winter Break, so there...

And crown thy good with brotherhood...

Not even the government, regardless of which party is in charge, has yet wrangled this from us. I love how quickly Americans close ranks when facing a threat. 9/11 being the last example. New York City was crime free for 11 days after the tragedy. Nine million people, not a rape, not a murder, nothing...

From sea to shining sea...

In the case of Shelter Island, this is a fairly short distance. However, if the island is a microcosm of America, and I believe it is, there is hope yet. As much as we all complain locally and nationally about the government, if anyone challenges our patriotism, they’d better be prepared to have their heads knocked off! A Nazi colonel once told his troops that he didn’t understand how the American soldiers, who were the worst trained and undisciplined men that ever wore a uniform, could, when cornered, be the most deadly of fighters.

A congressional aide told me, one hand written letter counts as 1500 people’s opinions to a member of congress, an email counts as 500 opinions and most legislators won’t pay attention to an issue unless they get three letters or ten e-mails. I find that fascinating. Gives me hope and motivation to get involved. Abraham Lincoln said it best: “The American people will get as good a government as they are willing to work for and as bad a government as they are willing to stand for.”

Have a happy and healthy Fourth of July. Today the Island will all be thinking again of our G.I. Joe, recently called home from the field of battle. No soldier dies in vain if the ones he loves remain free.

Spaghetti-O’s, An American Icon in Food

“Campbell Soup recalls 15 Million Pounds of Spaghetti-O’s
by Mary Jalonick, AP Jun 17, 2010
WASHINGTON- Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti-O’s with meatball after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company’s plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked.”

Spaghetti-O’s - only the name is still Italian. Inside the can are small circles of different sizes of grossly overcooked pasta, boardering on mush, coated with a red sauce created with unpronouncable chemicals and the real juice of one half of one cherry tomato to give it color.

Everyone I know has eaten Spaghetti-o’s. As kids we loved them. Plus, it helped introduce our bodies to processed foods and preservatives. A toddler can live on NesQuick chocolate milk and Spaghetti-O’s. Bachelors still live on cans of Spaghetti-o’s. Recall 15 million cans because the meatballs might be slightly undercooked? Are they nuts? Toddler’s eat cookies off the floor, they’ll eat anyting off the floor. Bachelors just eat anything whether it’s off the floor or not. I knew a bachelor who pulled three rock hard Kentucky Fried biscuits out of his fridge. “You can’t eat those,” I said, “they’re stones by now.”
“You just have to let them soak in coffee a minute and they’re fine,’ he said, and proceeded to eat them.

I don’t think a slightly undercooked meatball - especially since there’s only one meatball in a can - is going to have any negative impact on anyone. Even if the lone meatball is undercooked, surely the preservatives will kill any bacteria along with the nutritional value.

Every home with kids has a few cans of Spaghetti-O’s in the cabinets right now. They are fast food, if not at home, they are perfect for the beach ever since they added the pull tab peel off top. Spaghetti-O’s are a staple in Shelter Island beach bags. They don’t need to be wrapped, you can drop a few cans in your beach bag with the Oreo’s and juice boxes for treats. There’s no social rules yet on what you can give kids for beach food. As long as you have SPF sunscreen and slather them every half hour you qualify as a good mother, no one pays attention to what you’re feeding your kids. There were times when I wanted to feed mine to the sharks, but there’s too many witnesses at the beach, plus the sharks are only in the deep channel and I knew my kids couldn’t swim out that far no matter how much I encouraged them.

I’m just waiting for the news to report some idiot who will try to take advantage of the situation.
“She was a normal nine year old, my Brittany. She loved Spaghetti-O’s, we didn’t know we had a can with a bad meatball. We think the meatball was made from a mad cow because overnight, our angel, became bratty, rebellious, sneaky, and talks to us in “textspeak”. She keeps saying, “OMG, WTF is wrong with you people?” to us. We’re suing Campbell’s for three million dollars. They took our sweet little girl from us. Now, they have to give us three million, or they have to take her till she’s 25. We just want what’s best for Brittany.”

To Stand and Witness

If you need a laugh today, I guess you’ll have to go to another place on the internet. Today’s column will be a vain attempt to bring comfort to the part of the heart no one can ever reach but its owner and sometimes God.

Last Friday, June 4th, the Island lost it’s first son in uniform since the Viet Nam War. 1st Lt. Joseph Theinert, age 24, in Afghanistan. He warned away and saved twenty other soldiers from the bomb that killed him. In that moment, in my mind, he went home, home to a place of no pain where he was met by loving relatives already there, and entered into the peace of God. Today, Friday June 11th, his body will be laid to rest in Our Lady of the Isle Catholic Cemetery.

His body came home to the Island on Wednesday, June 9, to a hero’s return with all the dignity and honor the Island could offer. The rain was strangely appropriate because everybody else was crying, why not the sky too?

It’s odd, but once you’ve lived here, whether for a single summer or your whole life, you are always affected by whatever affects the Island. Doesn’t matter how far you move, or how long you go, part of you remains here. The irony is when you live here, you can’t wait for a chance to get off-island, and if you’re off-island too long, you can’t wait to get home again. I never met Joe, but I’ll bet he’d agree with me on that point.

He came from good people. I only knew his mom, Chrys Kestler. She’s a beautiful, hardworking and upbeat gal, always busy, I’d wave to her all the time in her van with the “Mamasita” license plate. With her as a mother, Joe was raised as right as any kid could be. I can’t imagine where she and Joe’s father, James, can find air to breathe since this happened.

It’s hard to comfort grieving parents. There’s a lot you’d like to say, but nothing would be adequate, and yet, saying nothing isn’t right either. I think sending a card is good because then they can open it when they can bear to. And if they never open the card, it doesn’t matter, because they can see your name on the return address and know you thought of them that day.

Sometimes, all we can do is stand and be counted. The people who stood by the dock that brought him home on the ferry. The people who stood along the road and faced the procession as it passed. The people who stood at the funeral, the wake, and the cemetery service. The people who embraced the parents, the people who sensed they needed to be left alone for a moment. The Islanders who are off island now, were counted as they called or wrote. Sometimes all we can do is say, I am here and I witness your pain. If there is any healing power in knowing that other people care, that is all we can offer the Theinert-Kestler family today.

Shells Angels ; Hell's Angels revised and edited

Picture above is from www.trikezilla.com/

“Hells Angels, Please Explain Lifestyle
Reuters; Thu Jun 3, 12:36 pm ET
SYDNEY (Reuters) Michael Perry Reporter: Australia's Hells Angels bikers will be forced to explain how they pay for their extravagant lifestyles with sports cars and high-end bikes after losing a court case brought by the Australian Crime Commission.....Sports cars, Harley-Davidson motorcycles, drugs, firearms, computers and financial documents relating to biker activities were seized in recent police raids, said the newspaper.... the 12 Hells Angels bosses were served with summons to appear before the commission, to answer questions on tax fraud and their finances...”

I guess it was bound to come out sometime. Hell’s Angels gangs are worldwide now and have even reached Shelter Island, but in a milder, greener form; Shell’s Angels.

You’ve seen them, we all have. They ride their bikes everywhere, sometimes three or four abreast across the road, defying any car to pass them. And flipping the bird at them what drives too close, these wild rebels of the Island...They bike all over the Island. Speeding down long hills with their arms open wide like they’ll get lift off at any moment.

And the Shell Angels chicks, with their “Born to Be Mild” tramp stamp tatoo’s....peddling along with children strapped into plastic chairs on their fenders. Everyone knows that baby seats are supposed to be rear-facing, but these social miscreants flagrantly defy the law.

To make matters worse, they’re all in great shape and the boys wear lycra shorts that leave nothing to the imagination, (thank God), which is that disgusting.

And unlike their Hell’s Angels cousins, who drive crippled members in side cars and let fat members drive three wheelers, the Shell’s Angels don’t have sidecars for adults, just drag carts that they load with children or groceries. And you can’t drive an adult three wheeler and be in their club. I know, because during my mid-life crisis, I tried.

“I want a shiny red adult three wheeler with an ice cream bell and shiny red streamers on the handles.”
“That we got, but you’ll need some special additional modifications, Ms. Flynn. We got a deal on some second hand tires from the space shuttle that we think can take the pressure, we got a John Deere tractor seat on order and some shocks from Peterbilt.”
“I’m not going to stand out too much with all this special equipment am I?”
“No Ms. Flynn, no one will notice the space shuttle tires or any thing like that, but they will notice the large orange triangle on the back of your bike over the sign that says WIDE LOAD.”
“I’m not really an orange person, can we get the triangle in a soft green or aqua, something a little more summery?”
“Nope, has to be legal.”
“Well how am I going to express my rebel side? I wanna be a Shell’s Angel.”
“I dunno know. How about you go topless?”
“That’s a great thought, but I’d be too worried about catching a boob in the chain or the spokes.”
“Yeah, the Fire Department probably wouldn’t appreciate trying to untangle you from that. You know, I know a guy who knows a guy, I think I could hook you up with some hubcaps with double C’s”
“Chanel hubcaps? Oh, that would make those skinny biker chicks jealous.... I love it. I can just hear them talking about me now.... Sally Flynn, rebel without a cause....”
“No, it would be, Sally Flynn, rebel without a clue.”
“Chanel hubcaps, sparkling red streamers, baseball cards in the spokes, peeing in the woods...living on the edge, that’s me...”

No Kidding!

I got into a conversation recently with a young woman who was babysitting about whether or not she was ready to have a child. She was babysitting an adorable three year old and had a very idealized view of motherhood, so I enlightened her. Here are somethings to consider for any young gal who’s wondering whether or not she’s ready to enter the world of martyrdom, I mean motherhood.

For the first month, babies sleep all day and are awake all night. You can’t sleep all day, but test yourself to see how much sleep you can do without each night. If you can run all day on two or three hours sleep, that’s a good beginning.
Now, add colic for the next three months. You can still have three hours of sleep at night, but it has to be broken into half hour segments. And you have to be able to sleep in any chair that has arms to keep you from falling off. If you can still spell your name and repeat your address by memory after a month of colic, you’re doing very well indeed.
For the first six months the baby stays wherever you put him. Can you finish whatever you need to do in the next two years before the baby hits six months and starts to get the concept of crawling? Do you need to paint any rooms? Do you need to finish any degrees? Do you want to read a book? Whatever it is, you have until the baby is crawling to get it done, after that, it’s a five year wait till they start school before you’ll have any real time to accomplish anything.
Around eight months, the baby has gone mobile. Can you keep track of a constantly moving object without tying it to the leg of a chair with a bungee cord? Add babyfood and fling it around your dining room a bit, can you stand the look of dripping peaches on the wall for a few minutes until the flinger has flung his last? Or are you compelled to jump up and clean immediately? If you can’t wait, you may have trouble with motherhood.
Around one year, the baby begins to walk and undoes anything you do right behind you. To test your tolerance for a one year old, invite a friend over, get a big box of Cherrios and raisins. Both of you grind Cherrios and raisins into your carpet. Now, you get the vacuum and start vacuuming. Have your friend go behind you and grind fresh Cherrios and raisins into the area you just cleaned while holding onto your leg and crying. Can you stand it or do you have the urge to beat your friend with the conveiniently attached retractable vacuum hose? If you can stand it, then something is wrong with you. If you have the urge to beat with the hose, but are able to restrain yourself, you might make it as a mother.
Go visit a mother with an 18 month old toddler. If you walk into a clean house, she’s hiding something - like the kid in a closet somewhere.... But, if you walk in and nearly break your neck trying not to trip on any toys as you navigate to the couch, you’re in the right place (I always offered to rake a path for guests, but that’s just me). If all the visible surfaces are cluttered and /or sticky, welcome to a toddler’s home. Look at the exhausted mother in clean, but stained clothes. Look at the circles under her eyes and her horrible hair. Listen to her struggle to converse with you over a kiddie show blaring on the TV in the background. Look at whatever is playing on the TV, can you watch that all day without screaming? Watch how she talks to you, but her eyes never leave the child. When you go to leave, watch how she tackles the toddler before you open that door and give him a chance to make a break for it - can you move that fast?
If you’ve made it this far, I’d say you stand a chance to make it as a mother. But stop your exposure to toddlers at 18 months and skip straight to the 3 year olds. Do not go near a 2 year old, or you’ll pay any guy at the docks with a fillet knife and fishing line to ties your tubes.

It’s Not Easy Being Blue

NH Man Snares Rare, Cobalt-Blue Lobster
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. – At first, New Hampshire lobsterman Bill Marconi thought he had caught a shiny blue beer can in his trap. It turns out it was a rare, cobalt-blue lobster. ... only one in 5 million lobsters are blue... Marconi donated his lobster to the Seacoast Science Center.

“Hello, this is Jan Percy, coming to you live from the Seacoast Science Center in Portsmouth, where our special guest today is the new, one-in-five million, blue lobster recently donated to the Center. We’ve dropped a special microphone in the tank and through the miracle of iMacs, we will be able to talk to our new little friend. Hello there little blue guy..... how are you today?”
“I feel like crap. I’m sliding off a plastic reef, there’s nothing to eat but the rotten chicken they feed us. It’s true we eat things that are dead, but very few chickens drown and make it to the bottom of the ocean, you know what I’m saying? A couple of fish heads would be nice.”
“But you’re the only blue lobster in the tank. There’s only a few of you in captivity. Surely you must feel some sense of pride, of being special?”
“Puhleez.....I’m not the only lobster in this display tank you know, and I’m only one and a half pounds. There’s a big guy whose eleven pounds, he gets to live because he’s huge, but he’s a real bastard. He walks over all of us, especially the new guys, and guess how hard it is for him to spot a blue lobster? You might as well put a flag on my antenna that says, “Crush Here”. And crabs, you put us in the same tank as crabs.”
“What’s the problem with crabs? You live together under the sea - don’t you?”
“Let me help you out here sister, crustaceans, like humans, have a basic stratification to their society. Putting crabs in to live side by side with lobsters is like putting crack addicts in with neurosurgeons, okay? They can’t even walk straight. They’re the first ones on the scene when anything big and dead shows up and we usually just hang back till they eat off all the raggedy stuff and then leave. Lobsters only scavenge the best of the rest and leave the little tidbits for the shrimp who at least have curved tails.”
“I wasn’t aware of any of that.”
“Of course not, why would the Discovery Channel cover that? And we wouldn’t talk to them anyway. They just look for new species of crustaceans. We run and hide from divers because we know, what they film today, they fillet tomorrow.”
“So, I guess you’d rather be back in the Atlantic?”
“Picking up on that are you? Of course I’d rather be home. I miss my family. I had a nice girl and she didn’t mind me being blue. It’s not easy being blue when everyone else is a normal mottled green. I went through a lot. I got a nice place together with this blue sponge and we helped each other. I hid next to him and brought him food. It was a good life, until......”
“But still, living in the display tank is better than....you know....”
“Being boiled alive, bored out and dipped in melted butter? Yes, you could say that.”
“Do blue lobster taste different than regular ones?”
”Sure, I answer that, and next week I’m on TV in Martha Stewart’s kitchen. Blue lobsters taste horrible I assure you. Matter of fact, I think the blue pigment makes us poisonous. One bite and a human covers himself with butter and goes mad. This interview is over, have a nice day girlfriend.”
“All right then. This is Jan Percy signing off. And now over to Jimmy Kim and what’s cookin’ in his Crab Shack today.”

The Lobster Liberation League

NH Man Snares Rare, Cobalt-Blue Lobster
Aug 21, 2009; PORTSMOUTH, N.H. – At first, New Hampshire lobsterman Bill Marconi thought he had caught a shiny blue beer can in his trap. It turns out it was a rare, cobalt-blue lobster. The 52-year-old lobsterman was out hauling 400 traps with his son Wednesday when he snared the 1 1/2-pound lobster in between his dock and the Isle of Shoals, about six miles off the coast. New England Aquarium Research Director Mike Tlusty told Foster's Daily Democrat only one in 5 million lobsters are blue.
Tlusty said blue lobsters are different in that they are better at processing astaxanthin, an antioxidant with a red pigment derived from algae. The substance bonds with proteins in the lobster's shell, resulting in the blue pigment. Marconi donated his lobster to the Seacoast Science Center.

Do you ever wonder what lobsters think about when they see us looking at them in tanks?

“How you doin’ today, Joe?”

“I’m okay, a little depressed. They got Sue and Larry yesterday.”

“Yeah, I saw. But at least they went together and that’s something. You know they met in this tank just last Tuesday.”

“Yeah Bill? They acted like they knew each other for weeks.”

“Well, that’s how it is Joe, a few good days, stroking antenna, can seem like a whole week.”

“Did you hear about that blue son of a bitch they found in Maine? Little s.o.b. got donated to a museum just because he was blue. He could be an idiot, he could be a schmuck, he could be one of those lobsters that hangs outs with crabs, those low life side walking little pricks, but Ohhhhh....he's blue, so that makes him better than the rest of us. One in five million they said, and just because he has the right DNA, he gets to live.... it don’t seem right, Bill.”

“It ain’t right, Joe. We need a gimmick, something to keep us alive. If we can’t be blue, maybe we can learn to tap our antenna on the glass in time to the music...not many lobsters can keep time, and if they’d unband our claws maybe we could click in time to music, you know, like marachas - that’d be a reason to keep us alive.”

“Damn if you ain’t right, Bill. We gotta get organized and get a gimmick. The Lobster Liberation League - showing humans everywhere what a friend we can be. We could be pets like their dogs - they don’t eat them you know.”

“Yeah... and we’re as good as any crummy dog. We can live in a sink or a pan. They could talk to us, we wouldn’t tell any secrets.”

“And home security, Bill, we'd be great at that. What burglar would expect to be hit in the face with a live lobster? Grab his nose with your crusher claw and his lips with the pincher.... the guy would run screaming from the house. We’d get written up in papers. I can see the headline now....Lobsters; Law Enforcement’s Best Friend.”

“It’s a beautiful thing, Joe. Oh geez... wait.... here comes a hand.....move over ,Bill....Damn! He got me, Bill!”

“Joe! Joe! Stay strong. Remember - Long Live The Lobster Liberation League!”

“Keep the faith brother... and get the others to dance or something. Hell, talk to the crabs if you have to - goodbye Bill!”

Divorce Shelter Island Style

“Italy Hosts Its First Divorce Fair
Reuters Wed May 5, 3:21 pm ET
MILAN (Reuters Life!) – Italy is holding its first divorce fair, offering services such as life coaching and beauty advice to a booming number of separating couples in the Catholic country. The organizers said the fair (www.puntoeacapo.it), which will be held in Milan on May 8-9, aims to help divorcing people start a new, happier life. "Smiling is key to this fair, which also offers serious, practical advice for often dramatic situations," Franco Zanetti, who created the event, told Reuters. The services include divorce planning, anti-stalking help, and "new look" tips, the organizers said.”

Divorce Fair - Island Style

Divorce Lite = Separated, both still living on the Island, but haven’t bothered filing for a divorce because the tax benefits are better as a couple. The Divorce Lite couple still talk to each other and are civil in all public situations. No food fights at the Fireman’s BBQ. No fighting over who gets the kids, each parents takes turns with the creeps. No dating in-laws. Dating your spouses first cousins is acceptable and even damn near unavoidable on Shelter Island. And she still gets to call him with any car problems.

Divorced Regular = Both parties still live on the Island and for the most part are civil to each other. Exchanging barbs or the finger in public on occasion is acceptable, but no fighting in the IGA check out line. Each parent still has to take a turn with the kids, although they can pretend they want more time with the little darlings just to irritate the other person. Dating former brother or sister in laws for revenge is acceptable, but not recommended, it’s easier and less complicated just to key the other person’s car. She has to call him with car problems or listen to a big lecture on how she chose an idiot to repair the car.

Divorce Invisible = Both still live on the Island, each pretends the other does not exist. They can sit together anywhere because they can’t speak a single word to each other without it erupting into exactly where they left off during the last fight. They only communicate through e-mails so each has a chance to thoroughly overanalyze what that the other didn’t mean or is trying not to say.... Their children are not pawns in the game because the kids have their own system worked out in which their parents are pawns.

Divorce Severe = This couple has divided everything in half perfectly and each swears the other got more. They even divided the ferries - one gets the North Ferry and one gets the South Ferry. Both are determined to stay on the Island and drive the other one off. They work hard to date the person their former spouse hates the most on Shelter Island. They don’t have to stalk the former spouse because everyone on the Island lets them know where they saw his or her car last. The CIA could take lessons in brilliant espionage from angry divorced couples on the Island. She’d never call him for car assistance, because given the chance, he’ll drive her car into the bay.

Divorce Do Overs - Formerly divorced couples who remarry after some years of dating other people. They slowly come to the conclusion, that unless something is terribly deranged in their former spouses, it’s a lot easier to stay with some one you’re used to and vice versa, than to train a whole new person to bend to your will. And once again, she has the joy of walking in and saying, “Honey, the car’s making a funny noise.” She listens to a few curses and goes to start dinner knowing he’ll take care of it.

Boating; More Tips for Newbies

Notes for Boats #2

I got many responses to last weeks Rules for Boating. Here are some of the funniest.

From Bob P. > You can’t do anything for a seasick person. Find them a place to hang their head over the side towards the back of the boat preferably. Give them something to sit on. Remove all sharp objects from view, because if they have a chance to kill themselves, they will. Wish them luck and return to your party.

From Peggy G. > “Beware of Flying Tarantula’s” > In 1964, Peggy was a young gal from New Mexico. She was going boating on the Atlantic for the first time. She thought it would be like the calm lake boating in New Mexico. She paid for a terrific beehive hairdo ($40 bucks was a lot then) which included a “switch”, an extra hairpiece for volume and height. She sprayed her beehive using half a can of hairspray, confident that her hairdo would last the day.
But, Peggy was going boating off Martha’s Vineyard in a Boston Whaler..... Whalers go very fast and in five minutes after take off, her whole cone shaped beehive had shifted to the back of her head, making her look like a cartoon character who was zooming by. As she struggled with her hairdo, the sea spray and wind speed of the boat tore off her switch and the sticky, hairspray-laden, brown hairpiece landed on the face of her boyfriend who was sitting behind her. He screamed and said he felt like he’d be hit with a flying tarantula. Another male member of their party said he looked like he’d been hit by something else that ordinarily doesn’t fly, but Dan’s is a PG-13 magazine so you’ll have to use your imagination.

From Joe McF > Don’t let seasick people try to jump for the dock as you come in. They are desperate to get to any stable surface, but they suddenly think they can jump eight feet when they see the dock. When they fall in, only let one person go in after them. Three is too many and if they’ve been drinking, you have to remind them to let you cut the engine, and hence the whirling propeller, before they try to climb up on the back of the boat.

From Jackie V. > Jackie is a nurse and while boating with friends, she tripped and got an inch gash above one eyebrow. The pilot was also an MD and had his doctor bag in with the First Aid kit. He had a little suture set and stitched her up. He said he hoped it would look all right, he didn’t ordinarily stitch women’s faces. She asked him what his specialty was, he said, “I’m an Ob/Gyn man.”

From Jimmy > Putting smelly, sticky, bait in your girlfriends designer blue jeans while she’s swimming is not as fun an idea as it sounds. But it is a good way to find out just how hard she can hit and how long she can stay mad.

From my family files > My Uncle Walter never lived down the time we were all boating and his wife yelled at him not to jump in the water with his new watch on. So, he carefully took it off, pushed it into the pocket of his cut off jeans, and jumped in the bay. Yes, alcohol was involved.

Safe boating everyone!

Boating; Things that don't mix with Tequila

Notes for Boats

Boating is one of the greatest pastimes in the world. I love it. You get out there, alone on the water. No TV’s, phones, you can just talk, have fun and enjoy the beauty of the day. Some people are new to boating, so I thought I’d pass on some tips for new boaters.

* When launching your boat from a boat trailer, BACK down the boat launch ramp so that the boat goes into the water first....
* The right side of the boat is the starboard side and has a green light. Left is Port and has a red light. Boats approaching from opposite directions do not have to pass each other on the left like cars do. It would be ideal, but just making sure there’s a safe distance between vessels is enough. If you can throw a beer to the passing ship, you’re too close to pass safely and swiftly, but if you slow down enough, you can exchange items via crab net; beer for cheese and crackers, suntan lotion for margarita mix, whatever seems like an even swap.
* Do not cross the ferry lanes unless you can do so quickly and completely. Ferry's are clumsy to navigate, it’s like trying to steer a giant soap dish, they have right of way and can push aside anything smaller than they are. I’ve have seen some people cut across so close to the front of the ferry that I could see what page of Dan’s they were reading. So please, don’t be the cause of a ferry accident, it will back the ferry lines up for days.
* Boat cushion fights; sometimes the mixture of sun, sea air and alcohol, can result in a boat cushion fight breaking out. They’re sort of like pillow fights, but with harder pillows and always the chance that someone could be knocked out of the boat and and attacked by a passing shark, which rarely happens in normal bedroom pillow fights, but it’s that extra little risk of coming home without a limb that adds a unique fun factor to boat cushion fights.
* When towing a water skier, occasionally look behind you to see if you are still pulling a vertical object or just a lump that is bobbing up and down in the water. If boats pass you and people appear to be signally wildly for you to look behind you, you should interpret this as a sign to check for that skier.
* Taking the children boating; like the Norman Rockwell painting of the family at Thanksgiving, this concept works in fantasy, but not reality. Taking children boating means you get to do all the things you have to do for them at home, plus add sunscreen to all exposed flesh every 30 minutes and listen to extensive whining in a confined space. I think this is why dinghies were invented. It’s a way to give kid a “time out” on the water. And if they continue to stick bait in their sister’s hair or - perish the thought - throw the beer overboard, you can always lengthen that dinghy rope, just don’t let them dip past the horizon because then the connecting rope could get in another boater’s way.
* Boating nude; another concept that works in fantasy far better than reality. When I was very young and there were absolutely no boats anywhere in sight I let my boyfriend Arnie talk me into this. The sunburn I got that day in the Hawaiian sun was the stuff of legend. He burned parts of himself that no man even wants to imagine. My advice is, stick with the fantasy, because at least you can still sit down without crying the next day, and the same goes for me too.

New and Improved tax Deductions

Tax Deductions

Now that we’ve all gotten through another tax season and have moved even further into the land of, “Does ANYONE know what the IRS is really doing? And how do they come up with all these rules?” For me, figuring out taxes is like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall. I got different results from TurboTax and TaxAct, why? Who knows? Did you know that the IRS is the only federal governmental agency that does not conduct outside audits. They audit themselves, and they always get a passing grade.

I’m putting in my wish list for new deductions now. Next year I think we should have deductions for:
* Medical injuries incurred while trying to free products made in China from some form of plastic that not even your ginsu knife will cut. As you hacksaw, tear, curse, pry with a butter knife and everything else you try you eventually cut your hand, happens every time.
* We should be able to deduct any rebate that never comes (Epson is the worst offender in my book).
* We should be able to deduct the final bill for any utility that we terminated and they failed to get us our final refund/settlement within thirty days of termination. I say, if the utilities are going to be so strict about timely payments, then how about we get timely refunds or we get to deduct the last bill? Bet that might provide some motivation.
* I don’t suppose anyone will agree with me on this, but I frequently babysit a toddler. I think I should be able to deduct the duct tape that I use to strap her to the chain link fence at the park for fifteen minutes so I can have a drink and perhaps, take a Xanex, or grind a little up for her bottle. It’s definitely a work-related expense along with any treats I have to get her from the IGA or Fedi’s.
* On very rare occasion, usually in summer, and always a tourist, will cut ahead in the ferry line. I think any front end damage to your vehicle should be tax deductible as you push them out of the line. And no charges should be filed against the ferry worker who pulls them from their cars and beats them while slowly and clearly explaining that unless you have a medical emergency, you wait in line. Not even President Clinton, had he chosen to live on Shelter Island, would be allowed to cut the line. I understand from the old-timers that when Frank Sinatra visited, he couldn’t cut the line either. Here are three universal truths to remember; The sun rises in the east and it sets in the west, and you don’t cut into a ferry line on Shelter Island.
* Someone on some talk show suggested the government tax overweight people to help pay for health care - and thin people get a deduction for being height/weight proportionate. Okay, then we tax all the alcoholics, smokers, people who aggravate us which puts us on anxiety meds, and parents of teenagers should get a free pass till those creeps are eighteen and can be legally pushed out of the nest. I agree I should buy extra airlines seats, well, in my case, I guess I’d have to buy the whole row, but please, if you tax my derriere, the weight of my asset alone will put me up two tax brackets.

These are just a few of my ideas. I have a whole year to cook up more.

Kindle vs. iPad, both KO'ed by iGal

I Glad For iPad, But I Pal of iGal

CNN reported two days ago about the crisis in the newspaper business. Simply that all media printed on paper is in severe decline owing to the fact that most people read their news online. I think the small local papers will survive where a person does not have access to the internet on a daily basis, but one by one, I think we will see the big papers stop printing on paper altogether. When the New York Times print its’ last paper, that will be the end of newspapers as we have known them. I will miss them. I am a high tech gal, but some things I still like low-tech, like my day planner book and a copy of USA Today on the dashboard.

However, we can’t stop progress. Today I have a bit of a spoiler alert. Ever sensitive to future forecasts and trends, I have long been preparing for the end of the paper paper and soon I will announce the iGal. Unlike it’s predecessors, the Amazon Kindle and the Apple iPad, the iGal will be uniquely qualified to serve women.

Check out these applications that come standard with the iGal.

The iGal can be mounted on the dashboard of your vehicle for hands free operation. The DPMS (iGal’s Don't Push Me System); like it’s cousin the GPS (Global Positioning Service) which just tells you where you are in the world - like you didn’t already know that - the DPMS tells you where you are anywhere in a fifty mile radius. It shows you where traffic is heavy or slowed and provides you with back road alternatives that are not only picturesque, but if you hit the optional FSL (Farm Stand Locator) button you will be able to pick up fresh fruits and veggies as well. The DPMS also has a PSL (Parking Space Locator) that kicks in automatically when it hears you say, “Oh shit, where am I gonna park?” Suddenly, little the screen highlights spaces you can drive to in one minute or less. There is an expensive extra app for the iGal DPMS called DETAT (Don’t Even Think About It) which projects a hologram of your can in the desired space until you drive into your own silhouette. The iGal DPMS also has a nice little app called the CopPop; little red dots just pop up on the DPMS screen showing your the location of any cop cars within a five mile radius, just in case you have a reason to want to know that...

The dashboard mounted iGal also acts as a phone of course, but with the iNod app. This records your voice saying, “okay, yup, I see what you mean, you’re right, yup, okay talk to you soon,” with spaced intervals between each word or phrase so the listener can prattle on and on while you sound fully engaged in conversation while you do something else, like... drive.

In addition to all the features of the iPad, the iGal also has the uBlab, an app that keeps you abreast of whose coming and going in rehab. For celebrities, there’s the MissTwit app which Twitters your fans where you are, but with a two hour delay before posting, so you’re actually telling them where you were two hours ago.

I love the uWho? application for those of us who tend to forget names. Just discreetly get your iGal within 15 feet of anyone and hit the uWho and a micro beam scans and reads any ID they have on them and tells you who they are, really handy. There’s the uMoron app which helps when you’re forced to share space with a moron. You just hit the secret alarm button on the iGal that flashes a loud and noisy “Emergency! Call your (family member of choice)!” allowing you a polite exit. If that fails, there’s another secret button that shoots out a spray of black printer ink, just like an octopus, and while the moron is lost in the ink cloud, you can make your escape.

The iBoss app can be put on automatic and it switches your screen to the project you should be doing whenever your boss approaches. Along with this, I’d get the ICU (I See You) which shows you on a tiny screen what is going on behind you.

For shoppers there’s the OnSale app; it gives you a running scan of what’s on sale inside of any store you stroll by. There’s a companion app called iBuy; this compares the price of the sale item against the money you have in the bank and all available credit you have left on all your cards and lets you know in a flash whether you can afford it or not. The iGal has a little secret compartment for valium so you can discreetly take one before you go in and get that dress that iBuy just sent you the message “No, don’t do it, you will regret it later when you are the best dressed homeless woman in town.”

The iBeach app gives a running update on all the beaches; parking and people congestion, surf conditions, winds, etc.. The iGal comes with a pop out cup holder that can be set to keep you drink hot or cold. It also has the iBlow app which allows the user to blow into a port on the side of the iGal and get an accurate blood alcohol reading before heading back to your car.

These are just a few of the great little apps that will be available on the iGal. Just remember your Kindle can dwindle and your iPad go mad, but with your iGal you wow!

A Bag By Any Other Name, Still Carries A Lot of Stuff

A Bag Carried By A Bag is More Than Just A Bag

Some women are nuts for shoes. As a matter of fact, that’s the one stereo type about my black friends that I refuse to surrender. Every black woman I have ever known is a shoe nut. Never go shoe shopping with a black woman unless you pack a lunch and bring a flashlight, because you are going to shop all day and and far into the night. You have to drive to every shoe store in a fifty mile radius and she puts one or two pairs of shoes on hold at each store, or she has a system of hiding the shoes she wants to find later. When I have asked my friends what outfit they are trying to match the shoes to - in an attempt to be helpful - they say, “I’m just getting the shoes, I’ll find something to match them with later.” I gave away my last high heel shoes over ten years ago because my feet found Birkenstocks and have rebelled against any other shoe ever since, so the concept of buying uncomfortable shoes to match an outfit I don’t have is like choosing a steering wheel based on it’s cute buttons and someday, I’ll get a car to go around it.

Some women are nuts for shoes, but I can’t get too angry because I’m nuts for handbags. I am a bag lady. I was in grade school when Mrs. Quigley walked into my Fourth Grade with a red leather bag with a quilted pattern. I love red. I love geometric designs. I love utilitarian things. The red quilted handbag was a trifecta of joy and I can still see it in my mind.

Mature woman have three levels of handbags. One: The “Mary Poppins” big bag (the one where she pulled out a lamp, mirror and a Buick) that carries all we need, including a book, and has a separate compartment for the “others”. The “others” are children or partners whose items you get stuck carrying. When I was married, I carried my hubby’s wallet, reading glasses, sunglasses, keys, little pocket knife and assorted business cards he picked up. For me, I carried a wallet, lipstick, packet of tissues and slim datebook. My handbag weighed eighty pounds I think. I still use the big bag on occasion , but now I have a book and my own reading and sunglasses to carry.

The next level is the medium size bag, the “Big Girl Bag” - I’m carrying my stuff, you have to grow up and carry your own stuff bag. This is a very practical bag and almost always has the four little metal feet on the bottom because we are done with the sloppy hobo bags that flop over everywhere and things roll out. In this bag we have a wallet, glasses, keys, lipstick and that’s it. We aren’t carrying anyone else’s stuff. We’ve schlepped other peoples’ stuff for years and we are sick of it!!! When you see a man with a belly bag, he has a wife with a medium bag with four little metal feet....

Last, is the “Bagette” the mini-mini bag. I love mine. It has my driver’s license, debit card, ferry tickets, money, one lipstick, and a small zipper packet that I can use for change or earrings. I leave it packed just like that all the time and can drop it into a Big Girl or Mary Poppins bag anytime I need to. Oh, and did I mention, it’s leather, red, and has a quilted pattern? I think big things make us happy, but it’s the little things that give us joy.

P.S. The fantastic bag above is by Hermes.

Spring Planting, Seed Packets try again

Seed Packets are in the stores. I love looking at the nice pictures on the front and imagine that my plants might remotely look like the pictures on the packets. I always buy five or six packets a visit with every intention of planting them. I plan my garden as I drive home. I imagine how nice it will be to have fresh squashes and cucumbers and especially those tiny tomatoes that I can eat like candy.

Once I’m home I put the seed packets on the windowsill over the sink so the pictures will keep looking back at me and remind me that I want to do this. I make a plan to garden like my mother in law used to. She bought little kiddie wagons at garage sales, filled them with potting soil and planted them. This way she could garden from a stool, no pressure on her knees or back. Plus, she could easily move the plantings around the patio for more sun or rain, overall, a very clever idea.

Just to further prove my intentions, I buy a tee shirt with stencils of seed packets on it. This way, anyone who looks at me will see me as a serious gardener - who else would wear pictures of seed packets on their chest? I buy the soil, some new cutsie gloves that are always too small for my hands, but again, we’re going for affect here.

Somewhere around June I begin to become suspicious that I’m not going to plant any of the fifty seed packets that now face me with hateful stares from the windowsill. I tried to appease them by organizing them alphabetically into groups of flowers vs. vegetables. Still, they stare at me, the Zucchini whispering - “Why am I always last? Why not reverse the alphabetical order and let me at think you’ll plant me first. We both know it’s not true, still, I could enjoy the fantasy, however brief, of being first, before you put us all in the junk drawer with the seed packets from last year.” He’s got me there. Zucchini have always been a very wise vegetable.

Soon it will be July. I like July. The pictures on the packets have faded from the sun and I feel less guilty. It’s too late to plant them now and we all know it. I know my junk drawer has last years seed packets in it. I begin to slowly throw them out, just a few at a time so it’s not obvious to this year’s packets. I’m sneaky about it, but once in a while a few seed packet on the windowsill see what I’m doing- making room in the junk drawer that will soon be their tomb. Like brave Samurai, a few wait and choose their moment of demise. And suddenly I’ll look down and see them floating face down in the dish water. Their paper packaging soaking up water and disintegrating, freeing the seeds to feel themselves immersed in hot soapy Dawn grease cutting water is better than never having felt water at all I suppose.

By August, all of this year would-be crop will be laid to rest in the dark junk drawer, with screws that go to something, batteries that may or may not be dead, keys that can’t be thrown out until I figure out what they unlock, coupons that won’t be used, and receipts that are too faded to read anymore.

Next year, I’m planting at least six vegetables and three flowers, no, really, I will, and I’ll get the tee shirt to prove it.

Jesse James the Jerk Rides Again...

I have been a big Sandra Bullock fan for years. Ever since she did The Net. It was one of the first films where the heroine didn’t need rescuing because she outsmarted her nemesis herself. No rescue from Prince Charming needed. I loved it.

Now, while she probably hasn’t even landed from her Oscar win high, she is slammed to the depths by the person she loved and lauded on every talk show since she married him. Jesse James. We all thought he was a stand up guy. Tattooed and intense, espousing to be a reformed alcoholic, he won us all over with what appeared to be unshakable integrity. And now, with his recent admission of an affair with a woman who is so tattooed, she even has a tattoo on her forehead, he rends his carefully crafted “bad boy gone good man” in twain. He’s like Peter Cook, the moron who cheated on Christie Brinkley. I guess for Sandra, like dear Christie, it’s not enough to be beautiful, have a flawless figure, be a millionaress, be on the A-list, and the capper, be by all accounts, a genuinely decent and moral person. I can only imagine the pain Sandra is feeling today. After praising him in her acceptance speech, today she must feel a ton of humiliation on top of the hurt.

What does a woman have to do to be enough for a man? I asked myself that, but then it occurred to me, that’s the wrong perspective. I think we should ask why can’t a man realize when good is good enough? More isn’t always better and more will get you in trouble.

What’s wrong? She doesn’t look like the girl you married? How close do you look to the guy she married? Did you allow you body to be stretched and ravaged by pregnancy with rotten kids that now only want money and car keys?

What’s wrong? She doesn’t cook gourmet? Why is that? She couldn’t find the time to study gourmet cooking between working full time, wrangling kids, school obligations, making sure your bait was thawed by morning, and doing all the household chores?

What’s wrong? She’s not a freak in the bedroom? Did you shower before you got in bed? When was the last time you saw a dentist? Were you considerate all day today, or did you just start being nice at 9 PM? Do you still think she’s turned on by a disgusting porn tape, or have you finally realized she’s just pretending for your sake? How about you make her a scented hot bath and pretend it’s a turn on for you?

What’s wrong? She doesn’t make enough money so you can pay all the bills and get all the toys? Apparently no woman can make enough money for a man. If Christie and Sandra can’t do it, none of us can.

What’s wrong? She doesn’t get along with your mother? YOU don’t get along with your mother. You’ve just put it on your wife to the buffer, meaning whipping boy, between you and your mother. When your Mom calls, do you signal your wife to give you the phone or wave her off and dive for the nearest exit because you don’t want to listen to your mother ask you questions that always lead to her giving you advice that you know you should follow and know you won’t.

What’s wrong? She left you “for no good reason, I didn’t do anything”. And that’s the problem in a nutshell, you didn’t do anything. I think good marriages, straight or gay, happen when you both realize that you can find a hundred people with qualities you like, the trick is finding a partner with bad qualities you can stand. Instead of wanting more, choose what you have, unless the issues are major, like addiction or similar, work to stay together. Somewhere I heard a great saying; “there’s no perfect fit in an off the rack world.”

Good luck Sandra Bullock. I’m holding a good thought for you. You have a lot of women in your corner. And as far as Jesse the Jerk is concerned, the Italians in my neighborhood have a succinct saying, "Fuck'em where they breathe...."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick’s Day. As I write this column on the 12th, St. Patrick’s Day is still five days away. We are making all the usual preparations.

First, we bought beer. But now we have to do that again because somehow the bought beer has been tested for quality to the point of extinction.

The seven quality testers now have to argue over which brand should be bought for the party. Four are voting for Guinness because of tradition. I’m sure it’s for the flavor and has nothing to do with the higher alcohol content. Two are advocating for Bud, which is mother’s milk in my clan, and one tester is wisely suggesting that we buy a variety of beers so everyone will be happy. That idea won’t fly because it eliminates too many arguments over which is the best beer. The fewer arguments, the less the chance of the hooley (party with punch) becoming a donnybrook (punching party), well, we can’t have that... My mother, who was not one of the quality testers, suggested her favorite beer, Coors light. Only the fact that she is a mother saved her ejection via the back door. I’m not a beer drinker myself because I hate the taste of it, tastes sour, bitter and just awful to me. But there’s something about the mention Coors light that makes a serious beer drinker’s head pop up and spin around. My brother's call Coors Light "piss water".

We will be having the traditional corned beef and cabbage - because we actually like it. I love colcannon (mashed potatoes except you replace half the boiled potatoes for boiled cabbage, very tasty). I have my grandmothers handwritten recipes for tea brack and soda bread. I’d make the tea brack from scratch but I discovered a fast, easy and delicious shortcut; buy the dough for roll-up crescents and sprinkle raisins and dried fruit bits on the dough, roll and bake = delish! Seems odd though, to serve tea brack with coffee instead of a bracing Irish tea, but that’s the way Irish Americans do it. Of course, it is Irish coffee (which contains our four basic food groups; coffee, liquor, sugar and milk) a nice big cup of Irish coffee first thing in the morning on St. Pat’s and continuing through the day - it helps block the smell of boiling cabbage.

We’ll be making green cupcakes with green icing and green sprinkles. The only scary thing about food green food dye is that it remains green on its journey through the body. It can be a wee bit of a shock unless someone clues you in beforehand. I forgot to tell it to my husband one year and he was prepared to rush to the E.R. the next day, certain that his intestines had gone gangrene. I did a fantastic job of keeping a straight face while addressing his concerns and simultaneously ignoring the wicked family members who were laughing in the background.

Next we have to delegate someone as the Designated Defender. Just like a Designated Driver, someone has to be the Designated Defender at Irish family parties now. This is the person who answers the door and talks to the police when they come. We didn’t need them when I was a child in Sayville, NY, because the police (whom we either knew or were related to) would come in and have a short one with the family before admonishing us to keep it down. They were always invited to come back after their shift.

In truth our St. Patrick’s celebrations have become thin and sedate as the family has spread out over the country and everyone tries to have no more than two DUI offenses on their record these days. Still, I know we all think back to our happiest times with too many people drinking too much, singing too much, fighting too much, the near arrests, the property damage .....ahhhh, it’s those little things I miss.