Cookbooks Lie!

My brother, Joe Beaudry, gave me Good Housekeeping's Best Home Cookbook for Christmas. Joey used to be a chef, so he really took the time to select an easy to use cookbook with terrific recipes. This spiral bound cookbook lays flat when you use it, has coated pages that wipe clean, and an "Emergency Substitutions" page telling you what you can use instead of an egg, for example. It tells you how to set up a kitchen, how to set a formal and informal table, what wines work with what foods, just everything. There's probably even a page with a recipe for picking the right lotto numbers.

The book puts a heart symbol next to recipes that are heart-smart, there are symbols for sugar free recipes, Low Cal, Low Carb and such. I appreciate the little extras, but there is one area in which all cookbooks lie: "Preparation Time."

"Preparation Time" supposedly represents the average amount of time it takes to prepare the meal. But the clock starts when all the ingredients and equipment are gathered and ready. THAT'S the lie! They need to give estimated "Pre-Preparation Time."

"Has anybody seen my measuring cup? The little Pyrex glass one?" the mother calls out from her lonely kitchen. She hopes to prepare "Easy to Make Swedish Meatballs with Mushroom Gravy and Cranberry Chutney - Prep Time: 20 min."

"I think Katie's using it for her paints, Mom," answers a disembodied voice from somewhere in the house.

"Okay, how 'bout the bigger one? I need a measuring cup with a pour spout if I'm going to make gravy for this recipe."

"I think Dad has it in the garage," answers the voice.

"JOE!" mother yells through the garage door. "Do you have my one quart measuring cup?"

"Yeah," responds Joe from somewhere in the garage, "I used it to put oil in the car. You want it now?"

"Yes please."

Cleaning off the cup, she wonders how the Penzoil will taste mixed in with the olive oil and will these people even notice considering the way they bolt down food like condemned men?

"Where's my ladle?" she calls out.

"Grace has it in the sandbox outside," calls out another disembodied voice.

Mom retrieves the ladle, washes it and opens the refrigerator.

"Who ate the hamburger meat?"

"Jerry made burgers for his breakfast, Mom," comes the response.

"Tell your father I went to George's to get hamburger," yells Mom as she grabs her handbag and schlepps out the front door.

Finally dinner is served and everyone likes it.

"This is great, honey," says himself. Mother smiles and decides to try it with 30-weight Penzoil next time.

"Easy to Make Swedish Meatballs with Mushroom Gravy and Cranberry Chutney - Prep Time: 20 min; Pre-PrepTime: 1.5 hours."

There are blank pages at the end of the Good Housekeeping Cookbook to write in your own recipes. Someday I'll fill it with the phone numbers of places that deliver food to Shelter Island. Prep Time: 30 min., Pre-Prep Time: 0 min.

Someday I hope to write my own cookbook, from my "Good Luck with Housekeeping" book series. Most cookbooks boast recipes that are kitchen tested and terrific. I'll have a book of kitchen tested recipes that aren't necessarily terrific, but good enough to feed the unwashed, nagging, and unworthy masses. I'll call it the You've Had Worse Things In Your Mouth So Shut Up cookbook.