Waking Up
Sat. Mar. 29, 11:18 AM ET Muncie, Ind. - William M. Bowen woke up after a night of drinking with friends and realized he was inside a commercial trash collection truck full of waste. The driver had just emptied a commercial trash bin into his truck and was about to activate its compactor when he heard Bowen screaming.
"He looked up and this gentleman was standing out the top of our truck," said Larry Green, market safety supervisor for Rumpke Waste Disposal Company. Green said the only thing Bowen said to the driver was that he was cold.
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It's clearly Spring. I see little dirt piles everywhere indicating that the worms are turning. I see ants in the house. I hear birds chirping in the morning. In a short time the Island will be green.
I've also noticed that summer people are starting to trickle in already. As a public service to our summer residents who come here to relax and enjoy themselves, I thought I might review a few indicators that you have overdone the whole "What the Hell, I'm on Vacation" theme.
If you wake up after an evening of reveling and find yourself face up on the golf course with a tee in your mouth and a golf ball on the tee, and someone is about to tee off from your head, you had too much fun the night before.
If you find yourself tied to the railing on the ferry with a multitude of ferry tickets taped to you because you passed out on the deck and have been riding the ferry all night, you've been having too much fun. But at least you know you were polite to the ferrymen because they tie the rude people to the outside of the railing.
If you wake up to find yourself floating on the raft behind The Dory wearing only your underwear and Christmas tree lights, you've had too much fun and probably made the cover of The Reporter.
If you wake up to find ten fire fighters 30 feet below you, looking up and shouting, "Don't move! You're caught on the windmill! Wait for the cherry picker!" you've had too much fun.
If you wake up to find yourself in a huge nest made of rough sticks and you see egg yolk on your pants and a very large bird is looking at you as if it's deciding which of your eyes to pluck out, you've had way too much fun and hopefully you have a cell phone handy.
If you wake up to find yourself on a playground and you are surrounded by angry mothers who are looking at you trying to decide which of your eyes to pluck out, you've had way too much fun and a cell phone won't help you. However, if you can summon any of your sprinting skills from high school, this would be a good time to engage them.
If you wake up to find yourself in the girl's locker room dressed in a cheerleader outfit, and you are neither a girl nor a cheerleader, you've had way too much fun and you also have evil friends.
If you wake up to find yourself with one arm around a huge coffeepot and several half asleep workmen surrounding you with a look of "Give me coffee or I'll kill you" look in their eyes, you have breached the Holy Coffee Grail at Pat and Steve's. Step away from the coffee pot and don't make any sudden moves. Any amount of fun had the night before will be canceled out by the beating you are about to receive if the coffee doesn't flow.
If you wake up to find yourself in the cabin of a beautiful boat, and you come up on deck to a sunny morning with no land in sight, just the sparkling water surrounding you, and no one else is on the boat and you don't own a boat, not only did you have too much fun, but somewhere there is a group of stranded people. Go back in the cabin and look for the ship to shore radio and a bottle of tequila. Hit the mayday button, take the tequila up on deck and get hammered because you're going away for a long time. On Shelter Island, the rule is one year in jail for every ten feet of boat. If you're on a 25-footer, that's two and a half years.
Have fun, but not too much fun!
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