Thong Injury!

"Woman sues Victoria's Secret claiming thong injury"

Fri. Jun. 20, 2008 AP: A woman who says she was hurt by her thong panties when a metal clip flew off and hit her in the eye has sued Victoria's Secret, saying in a TV interview on Thursday that the injury caused her "excruciating pain.'"

In a secret room in the basement of the Shelter Island Police Department, Officer John Smith conducts an interview:

"Now Ms. Flynn, we've talked to you about this before. Shelter Island is upgrading its image. Property taxes are skyrocketing to force the middle class people to sell out, and we are moving towards a population of millionaires and the people who serve them. People like you have to stop embarrassing the Island or leave. Now, where did you get this thong?"

"I bought it online. I thought I'd get myself something sexy for my birthday last year. I put it on, and then it disappeared."

"What do you mean, 'disappeared?'"

"I don't know. I put it on and it was gone until last week. I bent over to pick something up and - boing! The thong reappeared and a metal clip shot out and tried to kill me."

"First, you're going to drop the lawsuit against Victoria's Secret. And next, you're going to sign this statement agreeing never to purchase a thong again. We've added a few other limits for you, as well."

"Wow, this is a long list."

"It may appear long to you, Ms. Flynn, but the town board has approved it."

"Let's see, no tank tops, nothing sleeveless, no shorts, no sheer clothing, no thongs, no two-piece bathing suits, no belly shirts, no spandex clothing at all. Oh, c'mon, all my clothes will be boring now!"

"Not necessarily. We've eased the restrictions for you on sequins and sparkly things. You have a sequin limit for evening attire so you don't catch too much light and interfere with planes landing at Kleniwicus International."

"Do the other women on the Island have to abide by all this?"

"Well, you're our test case, but we're going to implement a program whereby the closer you are to your correct height and weight ratio, the more clothing options you will be allowed."

"I'm height/weight proportionate..."

"For an Orca, yes, but we are using a human scale for people."

"Geez, I didn't know you guys would be this strict. So, can I wear my top with the sequined regatta on it?"

"Only during the day. You're limited to one ship on your chest at night."

"My bright yellow pants?"

"Someone should have taken those away from you a long time ago. No bright yellow pants over size 12 will be worn on Shelter Island."

"If I dress by these guidelines, people will think I'm slipping into good taste. My image of being one of Shelter Island's sparkly gals will be lost."

"Don't worry about that. You are one of Shelter Island's official characters. We have all learned to tolerate your big mouth, like Roseanne Barr or Lisa Lampenelli."

"But I'm not like them, they're loud and annoying."

"If the thong fits..."

"What about the men on Shelter Island? Lots of them should have limits on their appearance."

"What are you talking about? All the men on Shelter Island are handsome and fit. Each and every one of us deserves a Miss November."

"The Miss Novembers of the world are dating corporate executives, not the regular Joes on Shelter Island."

"True. That's what I hate about beautiful women. They think their beauty entitles them to everything. They'll marry the ugliest men just for money. Look at Donald Trump - beautiful women line up to marry him. His current wife wouldn't have looked at him twice if he didn't have any money."

"And he wouldn't have looked at her once if she didn't look like that. So he's just as shallow as she is."

"I think your logic is flawed."

"My logic is perfect. You, like every other man, think you rate a Miss November, regardless of how you look or what you can offer."

"Just sign the form, Ms. Flynn."

"And if I refuse?"

"You'll lose your sequin privileges."

"Damn, you got me between a sparkle and a rhinestone."