Marriage Advice from Kids

Marriage: The Good, The Bad, The Compromises

I found this charming collection of advice from kids about marriage and I had to share it as we enter bridal season; forewarned is forearmed.

The question: What do you think about getting married?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10 (spoken like a true man's man)

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

You can tell if two people are married if they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

What do my Mom and Dad have in common? Um, both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (great strategy kid, truth is over rated)

If your date is going bad, I would run home and play dead. The next day I would call the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9 (what happened to "hop on the bus" Gus?)

When is it okay to kiss someone? Oh that's easy, when they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (a girl after my own heart)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (so, Republican are BORN, not made after all)

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys have to get married because they need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (from the mouths of babes)

The important thing to do if you got married is to tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
- Ricky, age 10

The kids aren't so far off the mark. If you're getting married for the first time this spring, here are some things they don't tell you in the bridal magazines.

"The Romance Stops Here" should be stamped on the back of the marriage license. Men engage romantic gestures for only three purposes in life 1) to get you in the sack 2) to get out of trouble 3) on Valentine's Day, but only if you remind them and only because they have to, but otherwise they view Valentine's Day as a costly nuisance.

Whatever household chores they were able to perform pre-nuptials, they lose the ability to perform post-nuptials. Before marriage, men were able to live independently. They could cook, clean, do laundry and even remember to take out the garbage. Within six months of marriage, they lose the ability to do any of these things. The wedding band constricts their finger and cuts off blood flow to the part of the brain that knew how to do chores. They become eight-year-old boys again. Suddenly they can't do anything but watch TV. It happened to all my friends' husbands too. Suddenly, we, the liberated women of the 70s, were doing all the work our un-liberated mothers of the 50s did, plus we got to work full-time jobs. Just once, it would have been nice to come home to a dinner already made - take out doesn't count - but in 18 years, it never happened to me. I don't know of any women, unless married to a chef, who ever came home to a homemade dinner.

Fence mending - it's all on you. Prior to marriage, there is a chance he'll accept 10 maybe 20% of the blame for something he did. After marriage, HA! Once married, it's either your fault, or we don't discuss it. And regardless of whose fault anything is, it is you, the wife, who must be the first one to make the peace. All fence mending is done by you, period. Men can't admit they are wrong, or apologize because it burns a hole in their tongue. Otherwise, I'm sure they'd be happy to admit error for that prenuptial 10% of the time.

Lastly, your handbag. Once for your personal items, it must now carry his wallet, sunglasses, reading glasses, important papers, cigarettes and lighter, keys, garage remote and cell phone. Don't believe me? Look at a single woman's purse and then look at a married woman's purse. I rest my case.