Just a few notes to start off the summer on Shelter Island.
Early Morning Commuter Traffic. Watch out for it. It happens all over the Island when the drivers of two work trucks, traveling in opposite directions, stop in the road to converse. They stay there talking until each truck has three beeping cars behind it.
Dare Devil Entertainment. Coming out of Fedi's, balancing two or more cups of piping hot coffee and danishes and dodging cars to get to your car parked on the opposite side of the road.
Morning News. Have breakfast at the Pharmacy or Pat & Steve's to get all the up-to-the-minute news.
Sound Bite. No time to stop for a full news report? Drive slowly past Crissy Gross the Crossing Guard with your window down, and yell on approach, "Crissy, what's the latest?" She'll give you three updates by the time you roll past her.
School Rules. Please remember that the school stubbornly insists you take home the same child you dropped off. You can't trade to upgrade in the parking lot. I know, I've tried.
No Ganging Up On Treaders. When you see someone treading for clams, you cannot call friends and organize an attack strategy to get the bag as the treader exits the water. Shelter Island is very strict about this. If you want to steal freshly tread clams, you have to do it yourself, mano a mano. I generally approach the treader as they're coming out of the water and say, "I think your car is on fire! I'll hold your bag, you go check the car. I'll wait right here." They hand me the bag and run to their vehicle. By the time they realize their car is fine, I'm home, melting butter.
Car Notification Program. As I've said before, men on the Island know you by your car. When you get a new or different car, in addition to a NYS registration, inspection and all that other stuff, you have to tape a big note to your driver's side door for 15 days, announcing your new vehicle.
Cyclist Crunch Limit. All Islanders are limited to running over three cyclists per tourist season. More than three requires a special permit from the Board.
Honor the Honor System. Most of the little farm stands on the Island have a coffee can for you to leave payment. If you're a tourist, don't screw this up. Whether you're a local or tourist, if you can't put $5 in a coffee can for fresh veggies or flowers, get the hell off the Island.
No Pointing. One complaint tourists have, and they are right, is that the Island does not provide enough public restrooms. So, when you see a tourist heading into the woods from the roadside, no staring, pointing or laughing, please.
MapQuest. When a tourist asks for help as they stand next to their car with an open map of the Island, resist the urge to get them lost on purpose, or tell them that the last boat is at 6 p.m. and that they'd better get in line now.
Island Selective Hearing. There are official periods of time when all Islanders are deaf. At the annual tree lighting in the village square, despite the variety of keys being sung, you will only hear one. Remember that school concerts are good for the kids, and no matter what you hear, it's Mozart.
Mooning. Mooning tourists is limited to the last boats that leave the docks on summer nights. Underwater mooning, so popular last year, must be reduced. Mooning snorkeling tourists, when we all know things look bigger under water, is mean. They think they're being chased by a giant soft shell clam.
Sycophant Classes. They'll be held this summer for those who need to polish their kissing-up skills in order to gain access to a boat. What will be covered? How to identify someone who has a boat. How to help them realize how much better their boating experience will be with you on board. Beer selection. Making club sandwiches. Dealing with people who have identified you as a mooch, and ways to throw them overboard.
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