Graduation Day!

Graduation Day!

Graduation Day is June 28th on Shelter Island. There will be wild celebrations, excessive drinking and lewd conduct - and that's just the parents. Who knows what the kids will do...

For the graduates, I have this advice:

1. There are many ways to serve your country. Don't put profit ahead of patriotism. Support your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

2. Don't worry, your parents will get smarter as you get older.

3. People can always handle the truth better than a lie. And a lie always gets found out, and usually at the worst possible moment.

4. Pay your own way, pick up your own things and don't make excuses - your enemies don't believe them, and your friends don't need them.

5. Pack your own chute. I saw an interview of a sky diver years ago. The interviewer asked him why he wasn't afraid to jump out of airplanes, and he responded simply, "I pack my own chute." I thought that was a great axiom for many things in life. When it is important, when you are the one most affected by the decision, pack your own chute. Take responsibility for what needs to be done, and personally see that it is done right. If your parachute doesn't open, you're the only one who pays the price.

6. God exists. And things do have a way of balancing out. Have a little faith.

For the parents I have this advice:

1. Luggage is an appropriate graduation gift. But pre-packed with a plane ticket attached is going too far.

2. Shredding the birth certificate will not help. Even though they move out, they never really move on. They'll always call for money.

3. You MUST wait for the child to move out so you can do a proper cleaning and de-fumigation of the room. If you're in a hurry, try to do a controlled burnout - it worked for the Romans when they cleared lepers out of a dwelling, so it could work for funky teenage rooms.

4. Before you can have a small bonfire and burn posters, old sneakers, raggy clothes, video games and other teenage items, you have to obtain a special permit from the town, a $35, "Parental Mental Health Reclamation Permit."

5. Hide the vacation brochures and the "101 Ways to Blow Your Kids' Inheritance" handbook until after the little darlings leave.

6. Don't get carried away with your first post-graduation food shop. It is a bit of a shock not to have to buy Tostinos, Mystic Pizza, tortilla chips and guacamole, the four teenage food groups. It takes a period of adjustment to realize you can spend your money on what YOU like to eat, and not make do with what you had to buy for them. Personally, I'm looking forward to buying fruit instead of single-serving frozen pizzas that taste like cardboard.

7. Music: Crank up the oldies station and glue the dial in place. Not only will you get to hear your music again, the sound of it will drive the kids out of the house even faster.

8. Books: Soon you will be able to read books again because you are not constantly cleaning. A wiped table stays nice all day because there is no one there to leave cereal bowls, glasses, scattered papers, keys and other little messy tidbits. You will have time to read things longer than a Reader's Digest article!

9. Money in your pocket - your money in your pocket! It will be a strange sensation at first, looking in your wallet and seeing $10s and $20s in there. And it'll be even stranger later the same day, when the bills are still there - and again the next day! It's wild, but so welcome!