Polygamy - the Game the Whole Family Can Play!

Polygamy, the Game the Whole Family Can Play!

The Old Testament is full of polygamy, but it worked back then because so many women died during childbirth, so having a backup wife made sense. I believe that's the reason Mormons thrived on the American Frontier, where one in four women died during childbirth. Having a backup wife, or two, could literally make the difference in survival. Islam allows a man four wives, as long as he can support each wife equally, which creates a self-leveling system. I recall reading that Brigham Young, the leader of the Mormon church in the west, had 73 wives, the youngest being 13 years old, whom he married when he was in his seventies. That's not a survival marriage, that's legal rape.

As the events unfold in Texas, all I can think is that it's a great system for a man. You get to acquire new sex partners throughout your life - with the church's blessing - and none of your wives are allowed to complain. If I were a man and there was a religion that encouraged women to be silent and compliant and I could have as many as I wanted, I'd sign up so damn fast...

The men made all the rules and they make all the decisions. The women aren't allowed to wear makeup or cut their hair, and they all have to wear prairie dresses. They are taught that if they disobey it will cost them their immortal souls. Wow! I've got to hand it to Jeffs. He has managed to acquire complete control over hundreds of people who think he talks to God. Amazing.

Clearly, a woman has to be born into this cult. I don't think any of us with a brain could check it at the gate before joining them.

* * *

Penny, age 30, who joined the cult a year ago: George, are you gonna mow the lawn today?

George, age 48: Not today, sweetcakes, I've got to get Lucy pregnant. God's commandments come first.

Penny: Not Lucy, she's your daughter, remember? I think you're supposed to plow Jennifer today. But how long can that take? You can still get the lawn done.

George: Have one of the boys do it.

Penny: Can't, they're at the Temple studying "Polygamy 101: Don't Bother With Names, Call Them All Sweetcakes."

George: Well, you do it then and stop bothering me. I command you to mow the lawn and forbid you to bring it up again.

Penny: Okay, then you'll need to order someone else to make dinner for 37 kids.

George: Oh, were you on for dinner tonight?

Penny: Not anymore. I'll be doing something I can't mention.

George: 37? Are we up to 37 kids now? How did that happen?

Penny: Well, I could give you a clue. But instead, how about you just count your total kids once a week. You know how many chickens you have, right?

George: 142.

Penny: I'm not sure where it's written in the Bible, but I bet a man is supposed to keep track of his children at least as well as his livestock. Something like, "Counteth not thy children before they hatch."

George: I know being the leader of this family looks like fun and games to you, but I work hard for all 21 wives, you know.

Penny: Twenty wives, you said you married me to replace Constance.

George: Constance? Where did Constance go?

Penny: She cheated on you with Bill. She's his 17th wife now.

George: Well, that makes us even. I stole Susan and Patrice from him.

Penny: Constance left her seven kids.

George: Left me with seven kids? I'll have her shunned for that!

Penny: They're your kids too, George. Aren't they?

George: Who knows? I'm so busy trying to keep everybody pregnant, if one slips by me, how am I gonna know?

Penny: On the outside, they'd say, "It's tough out here for a pimp."